Question of the Week

What are you looking forward to in the new year?

I am looking forward to getting outdoors.  I cannot wait for the time to change back so that I have more sunlight at the end of the day to go out. 

Pixelated Xmas Memories

Everyone is a Hero

It's been a great holiday season.  I don't normally feel this way at the end of the Thanksgiving to Christmas season.  I usually am the Grinchy one at the holiday party.  I am not a people person.  During the holidays, I have a (what seems un-ending) list of parties and charity events to attend.  I have gotten so overwhelmed I have trouble cooking a simple breakfast for my princes and princesses.  I should have figured out by now why I get so grumpy during holidays.  It's was only this year that I took an inward look at myself.  I asked God and myself why cannot I keep from the grumpy feelings. 


 I simply needed to recharge myself more often through quiet, alone time.  I took our dog for a walk this morning to the library.  It was fabulous.  I walked some of my frustrations out.  I really wish I had some cold weather bike gear.  I know that I would drain all my grumpy out on the trails. 

Youngest Prince at the Movies

Oldest Prince at the Movies

To continue, I had a good holiday.  I didn't really expect anything from any of my relatives this year.  I know that my expectations have caused me anguish in the past (I'm not proud to admit that).  I didn't expect anyone would get me much this year because of the economy.  My attitude really helped me focus of the givers rather than the gifts.  I was much happier that way.  I also really tried to put some thought into the gifts I gave this year.  When I really try to think about the person whom I giving the gift to I come up with more meaningful gifts.  This year's Christmas surely will stick out to in my memory.  I will end with some photos of my nephew at our big Christmas celebration.

That's all I have to say for now, God please bless us this year and next.

Christmas Stuffing

Sorry that I don't have more of a post but I have already over stuffed myself with Christmas left overs from our big family Christmas brunch.  I promise to get something up tomorrow, but I also need to get some sleep tonight.  I am going to shop for under privileged kids tomorrow with some other fellow cops.  It's a great event that I am looking forward to but requires getting up really early.  So, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

That's all that I have to say for now, God thank you for sending your son to this world.

Dream Interpretation

This was something that I wrote down after really having this dream.  As with all dream ideas, they sound great in morning but after that you cannot get the same feeling out of them that you had when it was a dream.

I dreamed that a dying millionaire gave me his fortune just before he died.  I knew that if I kept the money I would never have peace again.  People would always be bugging for the money.  I knew what I needed to do was give away the money.  I set up trust founds for my kids, my nieces and nephew, and for some friends kids.  I also donated millions to the medical fund for some family friends.  I created a scholarship for Camp Elim and paid for the land construction.  I also rebuilt the camp lodge.  I think the dream is about what Jesus dead for and gave us.  In Matthew 28:18-20 Jesus said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  The dream is about all the things I am meant to do with the inheritances Jesus gave me to use in this world.

That's all I have to say for now, God be with us throughout this week.

Manly Man?

What is it to be a man?  That's not an easy question to answer; I know that millions of men before me have tried to answer that question.  My friends and I are starting to read a book titled "Iron John: A book about Men" by Robert Bly.  We are meeting as a group of Christ believers, men, fathers, singles, and husbands.  I haven't even been able to start the book yet, but I have participated in the discussions.  I was struck by the need in the group for many of men to come to terms with their jobs.  I heard quite a few men agonize over some desk job that made them feel more a trapped than a fulfilled.  I didn't saying anything during this discussion because of my profession.  I am a cop.  I am living the dream of thousands of boys and men.  And yet, as a cop why do I feel less like a man so many times?  What's happening?

It's not something that I can really accurately describe to everyone.  I have learned how to shoot, drive, and fight over the past six years of my life.  Still, there are times when I am cowardly and to scared to get out of my own car.  Most of the time, I am oblivious to the danger that I face everyday.  I get numb to it.  There are other times in my career when I have just shut down with terror at the people I come into contact with.  Why is it that I live the ultimate man's job everyday, but I don't always feel like a man sometimes? 

I don't think that I have all the answers for this problem.  I know one thing that gives me courage.  Several times during my job I have stopped and prayed for various things.  A back bone, calm, and ideas have all been on my pray list.  I know that each time I pray I get what I need in some form.  So, one thing that makes me feel more like a man is not the guns or the cars but the faith that I wield.  But that can be fleeting if I don't stay God centered.  Another thing that I know gets me out of the car is my own stubbornness.  I am my own worst drill sergeant.  I talk myself into an idea or plan of action.  Often, I am presented with easier ways out.  I have to make the harder decisions because they are usually the right ones.

In the end, I don't think that any man can say that a career gives him the fulfillment he is looking for in life.  I know God gives me the most life I could ever handle.  Sometimes it's hard to live up to even courage that God gives.  It can be scary not to fear.  Other times you’re your only life coach.  You have to give yourself that inner motivation.  What makes you feel fulfilled in your life? 

Have a good week and may the Lord keep you safe.

Question of the Week #1

I want to ask you a question....

 In Romans 6:20-23 is reads, "When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. ²¹ What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! ²² But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. ²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (NIV)"  The part that was pointed out to me today was the phrase, "slaves of God."  The author of this passages is very clearly stating that even though we are free in God we are still His slaves.  In the West, we have very strong emotions connected to the term "slave."  There aren't many people that I know who would call themselves "slaves"

Do you think of yourself as a "slave of God?" And what comes to mind when you think of being a "slave of God?"  

Parenting Against my Nature

I am having been having a rough few weeks of being a parent this month.  My biggest problem is that my little angels are growing up.  Each of them is having a problem of some kind that altogether is draining my energy everyday.  My queen is feeling the same strain.  She has the hardest part which is that she has to live with the royal offspring almost twenty-four hours a day.  I don't envy her, but I also really appreciate what she does. 

Anyways, my youngest prince has been really having some huge temper fits.  He was one of the more easy going kids in the family until just recently.  I don't know what the change is about.  If he doesn't get the answer that he desires the first time he tumbles to the ground in a crying, screaming tantrum.  This is completely uncharacteristic for him.  My queen and I are completely at a loss to explain why he started this behavior.  My only idea is that he is displaying some kind of middle child thing.  He is the closet to middle that we have.  My youngest prince has to be feeling like his older brother gets most of my attention because of his autism.  I guess I am going to have to find a way to make my little prince feel special all by himself.  Simple right?  Here's hoping.

My oldest prince is doing better since we upped one of his medications.  I still haven't started the "talk" with him.  You may think it a little early at the age of ten, but with his autism I want to make sure that we get everything covered before real changes begin.  I have no idea what it will be like.  No one really knows.  My oldest prince's autism could have some effect on his puberty or none at all.  It's like playing Russian Roulette.  I have a fifty-fifty chance it will go off in my face.  Even though this sounds really depressing it is exciting to think that my children are getting older.  I would love it if I could have everything figured out before it changes just once.  I think that is part of the reason I parent with so much anger sometimes.  I am not good with change.  I like to get social situations figured out.  I don't like it when they change.  So, now I have to figure out how to parent despite my handicap.  I guess that is where God comes in.  God knows I need to fight myself, but he also gave me my kids for a reason.  I learn almost as much as I teach.  I learn to parent them and in turn God teaches them how to parent their own kids.  Wish me good luck. 
Happy Holidays and have a good week.

The Name Change

I wanted to let you all know that I have wanted to make this name change for quite a while.  I had tried to get feed back from the Net nobody gave me any ideas.  Anyways, the new name is great.  My queen helped me come up with it.  Enjoy!

Learning to be myself

 I am an avid listener to the Podcast "This I Believe."  I have mentioned in previous posts that I wish to submit an essay to the organization but cannot seem to come up with the right essay.  This weeks essay (which you can listen to by clicking on the title above) was about the life lessons that one man learned while hunting with his father.  I am not an avid hunter so I won't try and bore you with a post about what I might be missing by not hunting.  Instead, I immediately thought of the activities in my own life that I share with my children.

I share the activity of biking my oldest princess and my youngest prince.  I taught both of them to ride their bikes without training wheels within twenty-four hours.  It really was simple.  I was patient and kind with both of them as we worked through their fears and set backs.  I am not normally a patient man especially with my kids.  I am scary often overbearing.  So, it surprised me that I was able to get both my princess and prince from not even being able to balance on training wheels to a two hour journey a few weeks ago.  I am a different man on a bike.  I don't feel frustrations the same way as when I am on the ground.  I understand that I have limits, and I accept that not everyone will be able to ride at the same level.  I forgive myself.  I feel a bound stronger than steel with my kids when I am leading them down the road.

The challenge now is to find that same bounding activity with my oldest prince and youngest princess.  Each one of them presents separate challenges.  My oldest son is Autistic which makes him very unique.  He and I run on similar batteries but they aren't 100% compatible.  My youngest daughter is a fiery red head with spirit.  If you think this is sounds pat it's not.  She is exactly as described.  The challenge with her is merely age.  As young as she is now, I just need to take her the nearest 7-11 to get snacks and that is special to her.  I wonder what she will want to do when she's thirteen?  But isn't that the challenge?  As dad's we have to meet our kids half way in their lives to get to know them and conversely they get to know us.   They see use through our activities and we get to see them.  We just have to be open to trying out what brings our children joy.  Good Luck.

Lazy Saturday Ride

This Saturday my oldest princess, my youngest prince, and their friend came with me on a bike ride down the Lee Gulch trail here in Littleton.  We started out by making our lunches then packing up the hydration packs with water and food.  I had not even gotten dressed in my bike shorts when we ran into our first problem.  My princess' back tire was flat.  I had filled it up when doing my safety check of the kid’s bikes.  I didn't really have to more than five minutes and the tire was flat again.  Luckily, we had a secondary bike nearly the same size that would work.  I got dressed prepared my bike, and we were ready to go.  Not yet, once my princess' friend D showed up his chain was falling off.  No problem, the adjustable wrench worked its magic and off we rode.  We rode quickly through the streets getting on the trail.  Five minutes on the trail, D lost his chain again.  I made a quick repair with my chain tool removing a link from the chain.  I figured if the chain kept falling off it was either the wrong chain size or it had stretched out to much.

We finally got on the trail.  I didn't really know if I could keep everyone together on the ride.  My princess and D started out strong leading the way.  My prince struggled up the hills but did pretty good. We recently got him a bigger bike.  I am really glad since the larger tire size means he moves more easily.  D and my princess stayed in the lead till we got to the lunch spot.  I chose a bench near a lake on the trail.  D wanted to show us his secret hide out that lay near the lake in a grove of trees, but I asked him if we could locate it another day.  We got out the turkey sandwiches and trail mix.  My prince asked me if the lake was safe to swim in.  I looked out over the brown water, and I observed the half dozen ducks swimming in the mirror still water.  I told my prince that I really didn't think that it was safe water to swim in.  D chimed in saying that it was probably full of gross stuff.  Yep, ducks got to poop somewhere I pointed out.


Once everyone was fed we were back on the trail.  Everyone rode really well.  Our destination was a dirt jump park setup by the parks and rec.  D was great at keeping the other two going even after they started getting tired.  Both the prince and princess alone don't really have the motivation to make it as far as we were going but with D there he gave them a reason to keep going.  I was so proud of them.  We rode a lot faster than I thought we would.  We arrived at the jump park in little under forty minutes.  When we got there I took one look at the size of the jumps and thought this whole trip might have been a bad idea.  Personally, I look at the jumps and they don't really look all that big.  I am not saying that they are tiny by any means.  To give you some perspective to the size the largest jump is about as high as my shoulder (my height being 5'10").

Taking all the kids sizes into account, I thought they would be too intimidated by the jumps to try.  I was proved wrong right away when D just tore right down the hill toward the biggest jump.  He cleared it without any problem.  He then cleared three more jumps in a row.  My prince took his run next.  The prince like D went for the biggest jump.  To my relief he cleared the top, but then my heart skipped when he turned sharply to the right.  These are table top jumps so imagine a vertical dirt ramp up to a flat top then another steep ramp down the other side.  If one stays straight you'll clear it no problem but off to left or right the sides just drop straight off.  The prince turned sharp right on the top flat move his butt behind his seat and rode down the straight vertical side, pretty impressive for a six year old.  Then I got my turn at a run.  My princess was not going to have any of it, so she would just watch.  I made a couple of small jumps nothing to impressive.  I thought I should give the large jump a try since a six year old made it.  I tore down the hill right up to the jump.  I braked a little too much before hitting it so I was pedaling right up the face.  I cleared the top, though.  Great, I did what a six year old could now on to second jump.  I rolled off the top of the first and toward the second table top.  I don't remember if I had enough speed going into the second, but I can tell you I cleared the top.  Once my front tire cleared, I clearly remember questioning myself as to why I had turned my front slightly to the right.  Before I could answer though physics caught me.  My front tire hit the downward side of the second jump at a slight right angle.  I could see the tire in slow motion lose traction then continue on to right sliding sideways.  I hit hard on my left side taking most of fall in my shoulder and bicep.  God has blessed me with a great instinct on how to take a fall.  Ask my wife and she'll tell you about the time I got throw forward off a horse.

After freeing my foot from under the bike (luckily my feet popped out of the clips), I dusted off and tried again.  This time I didn't fall but I was starting to fell it in my back.  We rode home on the street to save time.  D had to get home on time his mother was taking him somewhere.  I was really happy on the trip home, and I hope that this is the start of a great family activity to share with friends.  To end I will leave you with the only injury I sustained from my fall.  Have a great week.

Four things I have learned while Mountain Biking

I started mountain biking as a part of my job.  Last summer, my sergeant called me one day to tell me that I they needed more people in the police biking class in order to hold the class.  I was not reluctantly to agree to be one of the students.  The class was perfect.  I stretched my body so much that at the end I had basketball sized bruise on my stomach.  My love of mountain biking was cemented in my psyche.  As the riding season draws to a close, I am reflecting on what I have learned.  I love to push my body as part of both physical and spiritual wellness.  I wanted to share some of the little things that I think I have overlooked previously.

1.  Enjoy the ride don't focus on what others have.  As a man I am not immune to gear lust.  I was blessed with my bike, and I worked hard to earn it.  So it stands to reason that as soon as I get it on the trail and see someone coming down with a more expensive bike I become dissatisfied with my own bike.  I have had this same problem with other pass times.  I have made a commitment to myself that I will not buy bike magazines to save myself gear lust and gear envy.

2.  Riding alone gives me a chance to find out who I really am.   I ride alone because most of the time I cannot find a riding partner.  I enjoy riding alone as a way to recharge my batteries.  As I stated earlier I love to push myself, but recently I have also discovered I can give up pretty easy.  Why?  There's no one to push me further.  I also think it's because my body is still getting used to this new activity.

3.  Riding with friends is extremely enjoyable.  I like to ride with others because they push me to keep going.  I also enjoy going out afterward to wind down with a meal.  I don't think there's anything more enjoyable then a mountain bike adventure with friends.

4.  Passing my love of biking on to a new generation strengthens my relationship with my kids.  My enthusiasm for biking helped me teach two of my children how to ride a bike without training wheels in little over 24 hours.  Since that time my children have enjoyed riding with me and with their friends.  They could not have those experiences without my help teaching them to ride.

This Blog was Brought to you By the Committee for the Other Guy

When my fireplace began to fill up with all the political fliers that had been mailed to my house I began to wish we never had elections.  I even wish that we could elect our politicians to longer terms so that their political debates would not interrupt an episode of "The Good Guys" (my current favorite).  I am not a political moron.  I listen to the "Political Junkie" on "Talk of the Nation" whenever I can.  I just don't want to hear another junk ad on why Bennett shouldn't be re-elected.  I knew who was going to get my vote even before the year started.  What I didn't know was how I was going to vote for County Coroner or for Colorado University Board of Regents. 

I want to hear for those candidates.  I want to see a debate from candidate A and B about why they would be the best city councilman for my district.  Maybe in your city this kind of things happens.  But I doubt most of us know who's running for county sheriff unless we work closely with that agency.  These politicians have the most impact on me.  My state congressman or senator could vote to take away my job or do away with the funding for my patrol cars.  This year as I voted my Queen told me about the two candidates for county coroner.  The incumbent is a medical doctor with years of experience doing the job of a medical examiner.  His opponent is a politician without any medical credentials.  That would have been nice to learn in a debate or simply a get to know the candidate. 

I want to hear from the candidates that matter to me.  The ones who might examine my corpse when I die or the one who makes decisions on how many cars I can park in front of my house.  Let's hear from you guys and gals.  Let you candidacy by heard so that next time I have to vote between you or the name below you I don't have to flip a coin.

Letting go can take a few years

I have had to deal with a lot of difficult situation in my life such as: getting my queen pregnant before our wedding, having a son with autism, and being reprimanded for dereliction of duty.  I lived through these life experiences, but I have not always dealt with them on an emotion level in a timely manner.  It was years till I apologized to my queen for having sex before marriage.  My oldest son was in first grade before I would acknowledge that he had a problem and agree to the school testing him for services.  Finally, tonight on the car ride home my queen helped me realize that it's time to deal with one more life experience. 

About five years ago, I was working in the detention facility as a jail guard.  My queen was pregnant with our youngest, a daughter.  My queen was having a lot of health problems during this pregnancy.  She was hospitalized once with stroke like symptoms that were attributed to complications of a migraine headache.  My queen was also going through several emotional trials that made being alone with three very young kids difficult, next to impossible.  She would often call me at the jail in tears over the stress.  I started calling in sick on the Fridays and Saturdays the first two days of my shift.  My sergeant was not pleased.  I began to run through all the sick time I had available.  Soon, I was using sick time as soon as I earned it.  To cut it short, I was reprimand for calling in so much without a "legitimate" excuse.  Basically, I was told I was derelict in my duty at the jail by leaving other to cover my shift when we were short handed or so I was told (realistically we had plenty of guards).  I have often looked back and asked myself why I couldn't give them something that proved that my sick time was legitimate.  I cannot answer that question all I have to say is all the time I used was legitimate.  My queen was not doing well in her pregnancy and need my he

I have not been able to move past the reprimand go for all these years.  I am angry about it.  I know that I am angry as stated in my previous post.  I think part of that angry comes from my emotional issues around the reprimand and whether I felt it was legitimate.  I felt I had dealt with it, but really I only experienced it then tried to forget it.  I having been consciously and subconsciously driving myself not to make any mistakes or be absent from work.  It has been slowly killing me.  I cannot let it go.  There is nothing to do about it now.  I cannot change anything.  I need to let it go because after having been home for two weeks taking care of my queen I want to find myself.  I want to find the me that I was before all this.  I want to forgive me.  I am praying to God that He would help me let this go and forgive myself.

Been taking time to live Life

It's been a few months since my last post.  Life gets that way sometimes with me.  I think I'm going to stay with something for every and every, but instead I drop it the first few hours after life gets hard.  I shut down.  I want to come home just want to drop my daily problems off in my office and watch some TV.  My Queen and royal lineage get in the way of that plan, though.  Pretty soon, I am anger at my Queen and the royal lineage.  I'm not really anger at them, though.  I take it out on them for being right there in my way.  The thing that I am really angry at is life itself.  But what is life that I can take my frustrations out on it?  Life is me, right?  I am angry at myself. 

I used to just get really depressed when I was a teenager.  When life wasn't what I wanted I would pretend to be a tragic figure like a suicidal person.  Thing was I didn't really ever think about suicide.  That wasn't me, I needed to deal with my emotions.  I really just didn't have a way to explain the moods that came over me or the emotions that seemed to rule me. 

So, why am I angry at myself?  Is there an emotional blockage?  Probably, I have never been good with my own emotions.  It has gotten especially bad since I started working in law enforcement.  I don't work in a profession that gives you an emotional release.  Cops don't where there hearts on the outside.  Being a cop means controlling your emotions keeping them in check.  Why am I angry at myself and taking it out on my family? Because, I feel emotionally bottled up.  I don't know how to let off the pressure.

Camping Trip 2010

I just got the pictures back from my camping trip with my boys and my dad. We were only gone for a night but it was pretty fun. The youngest boy got sick the next morning so we had to cut things short but he said he had a lot of fun. If you look at the slideshow to the right you'll see so photos I took.

Time for a Change- Win a $25 REI gift card

I was Googling my blog title to see if there is any hope of finding it. I realized that the title "Raven's Writing Desk" (while cool to me) is not the most original title. Between the rock bands and website design companies, I could not find my blog. I know that I don't post enough to get noticed that way, but I really would like to get away from the title "Raven's Writing Desk."

So here's the deal, I am going to be holding a naming contest. I want your suggestion on titles for my blog. I will take comments on this blog plus comments on Facebook (click on the title above to get to my Facebook profile). The deadline for comments is July 4th. After Independence Day, I will randomly draw five titles to be voted on in an online poll. The winning title earns you a $25 gift card to REI. So, comment even better become a follower. Remember to leave me some contact info since I need to get a hold of you when you win.

LEGALESE: Please serious titles only. This is a family blog so keep it PG-13. Also, those of you whom I work with may notice that I have not really included much about my employer or specific employment. I would like to keep that out of the title to protect me and my family.

The Wilson clan has finally planted the first garden. We have carrots, beats, pumpkins, corn, strawberries, and raspberries. I am looking forward to harvest season already. Here is a picture.

10 Things for 10 years of marriage

I had my ten year wedding anniversary at end of May. My wife and I sat down to write down ten things that we have learned in ten years of marriage. I didn't really get to thinking about how much an accomplishment ten years of marriage were. Until, I started thinking about some of my childhood friends. One friend has gotten two separate women pregnant without marrying either, another friend has been divorced at least twice, and the rest are working on at least their second marriages or recently single. So, maybe ten years is the exception not the rule anymore. Here is the list that we came up with:

How to Survive the First Ten Years

1. Honesty is the best quality- be honest about everything.
2. Shared hobbies are good, but separate hobbies are even better.
3. Don't move furniture together. Get your friends to help or hire someone you
don't want the headache.
4. If you want something done your way do it yourself.
5. Try to avoid interruptions to your lovemaking.
6. Make time for each other everyday. Just saying, "I love you" can be enough.
7. Spur each other on to greatness without nagging.
8. Expect that you will each change over time.
9. Dream together about life after kids.

10. BEWARE THE 7 YEAR ITCH.

If you have some more rules that got your marriage through ten years or more (even better). Please leave them as a comment, email, or Facebook comment.

Summer Schedule

So, I finally got my summer schedule for work. It is not the best schedule that I would have wanted, but it is better then other schedules. I will get to work days most of the summer. I will be in the cooler mountains on some weeks. I will work my old stomping ground other days. All in all the schedule is not the worst. My oldest son will start his summer school in a week as well. That should be interesting. I hope that summer school is somewhat fun. I would hate to send him to it only to have him coming home with homework every night. The reason we want him in school is not for the homework but for the routine. It is better that he stay in the routine of school then get out of it. The work is not as important. Well we see how it goes.

I am testing out the capabilities of my new cell phone. Here is a picture of my sweet ride for the summer a 1979 Ford Ranchero.

Where is the Church?

"Now you get to be the Church where ever you go." That is a quote from my pastor that I wrote down in my Bible this morning. I was immediately intrigued by this quote, because I began think about all the frustration and anger that I had gone through while being the Men's Ministry leader at my old church. I had come into the position with a vision all my own. That vision quickly got over shadowed by the whims of others in the church. I never was able to get back to what I wanted out of the ministry.

But taking the previous quote to heart, I came to realize that God was whispering in my ear the beginnings of an idea. What if I could start my own men's ministry from home? What would be wrong with that? Why would I have to have endorsement of a church to start something so near and dear to my heart. The answer to all my questions is that I could get it done if I truly wanted to do it. I am confident God would bless the ministry. The hardest part now is getting from the idea stage to the doing stage. So many great ideas don't ever get to the doing stage because it is so much easier to dream. I hope that I can make my idea a reality though and be able to share the experience with others.

Living a Jesus Centered Life

This weekend my wife and I were discussing how we felt about our new church. I have enjoyed my experience at the church. I feel like myself with friends and relationships that make me feel alive. The church is unconventional as I have stated in previous posts. I find it a great challenge to my own spiritual life. Anyways, my wife has not had such an easy time getting used to church. She has told me that part of the reason that she finds it hard to be comfortable with open style of our church is that she has been doing "church" for so long.

This Sundays discussion was about living a more Jesus centered life. A life of relationship with Jesus not following all the rules of the "church." "Church" could also be inter-changed with "the law" as in the law of the old testament. Jesus and Paul told us that Jesus came to make a new covenant. One that would do away with the rules and regulations of "the law." Our pastor stated that Christianity was supposed to be the anti-religion. Jesus fulfilled all parts of the old testament "law" giving us access and a fresh start. My wife found the discussion very helpful.

So in the end, It comes down to something my wife said. That our church is all about relationship and that takes time and can be messy.

Exciting Weekend

This weekend was filled with excitement. My younger son learned to ride his bike without training wheels. I then got my oldest daughter to ride her bike as well. All in less than twenty-four hours. They even have requested to go on a bike ride. This all makes me happy since I now can share my hobby with my children. No longer will I have to leave them at home. I can enjoy something as father and son/daughter.
It is exciting to have two of my children learn such a great sport from me, but my oldest son has resisted any attempt to teach him to ride. Maybe with time I can teach him as well.

Being Asked to make the Leap

Yesterday, I listened to my pastor ask the congregation to consider giving more to the church. I feel that I should explain first that we are not a traditional church that works on tithes alone. The philosophy has been that we should give where we felt God was leading us to give. For my wife and I there were a few non-profits that we both liked to give too. Unfortunately, the money in our budget dried up. That's not a good way to put it but it's the truth. The first problem I have with what I just wrote is that I said the money "dried up" as if I only give when I have excess funds. But that's the truth. I gave only when I had the extra money. In the early years of my marriage we gave nothing at all because we couldn't seem to fit it into the budget. That didn't benefit us at all.

Back the main point, I heard the pastor asking us to consider giving even if we didn't have the money. I assure you that he was not trying to bleed us dry or con us out of hard earned money. Our pastor merely laid out the verses from the Bible that showed the tradition of tithe and the benefit God said he would shower on us for giving even when we couldn't. During the whole talk, I heard God speaking to me. I imagined myself walking the high wire balanced perfectly over the abyss of debt and bills. I heard God asking me to leap. I physically felt the rush of adrenaline flowing through my blood. I always hear it in my ears. It sounds like rushing wind mixed with the high pitched whine of a finely tuned engine.

Who knew that God could cause such a reaction in my just sitting in church? I take money seriously. I don't have a lot so I want it to go as far as I can. I am doing better at putting more toward the family and less toward the billing, but I don't have room to mess around. I know what God has asked me to do. He gave me some pretty good ideas how I could make my budget fit around the tithe. Now it is up to me to make the leap. It's really scary, but I know from experience that God will catch me.

Just trying to get something down

I am sitting here listening to Coldplay's Yellow. I am in a mood tonight. We had to finally admit this weekend that we had jumped in over our heads with the dog. He has bitten at least all the children and nearly attack some of the girls friends. I don't know why I thought this would work out. I really wasn't thinking about how big a dog a Saint Bernard was. I also wasn't admitting that I had become the dog's master not my son. The whole point for having this dog was so that my son might have a companion.

Why do good intentions go so wrong? I really started out with the best of intentions. I wanted this only for my son. But within a day or so this dog was not his but it was mine. I was being selfish. I have always wanted a dog. Especially, a dog that was just mine. A childhood fantasy of mine maybe, but it's not right that take away my son's chances just to give myself something. So now it's over. I have a heavy heart. I know that the next time we try this experiment it must only be about my son. I need to let him pick out the dog. He needs to be it's master not me.

It's been a while since I wrote anything

I think that I missed the whole month of March blogging. Life got in the way of having any free time to write. We got a dog for my son which brought a whole new set of issues with it. I love the dog and so does the rest of the family. He is really big and a tad bit unpredictable at this stage. We've had some scares, but we seem to be getting back into the swing of life with a really big dog.

To top that event in my life, my wife was involved in an accident. She was not at fault at all but having never been involved in accidents we were a bit at a loss. Insurance is great until your trying to get your questions answered. My insurance company was great and answered all my questions, but the other guys insurance seemed not be able to return my phone calls.

I guess it is time though to put all these events behind my though. I really have let my writing suffer as a result of my life getting in the way. I feel that I could have done better. Even a sentence would have showed some more commitment to this project than I've shown in the last few weeks. There is no going back though. I plan to continue this goal of trying to blog every week for the entire year. I like the idea because it gets my creativity flowing. I feel more like myself when I do this than any other time during the week. So, God give me a renewed spirit I hope to carry me a little bite further.

The Monster and other things

Things have changed a lot here at the house. We finally got the service/companion dog that we have been waiting on for my oldest son. It is not the same dog that I blogged about months ago, but that is another story for later. My son's dog is named Monster. Which is appropriate since he is a large Saint Bernard. He is great and he seems to be my buddy currently. Monster has attached himself to me which I love since I have always wanted to have my own dog. I know that the dog is for my oldest son and that is fine. My son is not ready to handle the dog yet but it will come with time. If Monster listens to me and my wife we can at least be assured that he will be well behaved and not drive us crazy.

I also listened to a great interview with Reverend Desmond Tutu. I loved listening to him talk about God. The thing that struck me the most was the way describe being silent in front of God. When asked about how he felt about God Reverend Tutu said, "I am learning to shut up more in the presence of God," he says, laughing. One model of prayer, he acknowledges, is that "you have a kind of shopping list that you bring to God" — and even Desmond Tutu confesses that "I still do."

But more and more for him, he says, communion with God is about "trying to grow, in just being there."

"Like when you sit in front of a fire in winter — you are just there in front of the fire," he says. "You don't have to be smart or anything. The fire warms you."
I enjoyed hearing it for this great man. I have never been able to put into words the way I felt about God.

Accepting Second Best

This week was a very long week for me. Many of you probably heard of the latest school shooting that happened in Colorado this week. It is really close to home because I am one those "security guards" the news referred to this week. Deer Creek was one of my schools last semester, and I personally know the "security guard" who was assigned there this school year. I am not going to blog on the shooting this week it is still to fresh to me. Instead, enjoy my take on the current health care debate.

My wife sent me this link this week. It is an article about the current health care debate and our role as modern Christians. The author states that as a follower of Christ maybe we should elect not to have the best tests or get that designer drug for our restless leg syndromes. Basically, if your healthy by keeping from using up medical services frivolously we leave that doctor's time and drugs for others who may truly need it. I know that you could take this debate to the extreme. If your old don't try and prolong your life by taking that expensive treatment or body part. Sure, there are a lot of people who think me a monster for suggesting that the sick and old not hold on to life. But isn't that what God calls us to do.

Matthew 16:24-26 Jesus said,"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

The real question I am asking is where is your soul invested. Is it invested in this life or is it invested in the life to come? What have I gained by extending my life another day or year if I haven't used those days to bring God into the lives of those around others. And I don't mean to say that I need to spend time converting as many people as I can possibly find to listen to me. I mean bring God into peoples lives even just one life by loving them and caring for them. Alter calls are great but teaching someone to love as God loves will benefit them their whole life. I am not the best example of this but I know one thing that is for sure I know where I am going when I die. I don't need to worry about the end of my days. I am free. Are you living free as well?

Retiring a trust parenting tool

I recently had to retire one my most trusted parenting tools (ie threats) that I have to use with my oldest son and oldest daughter. My wife and I made the decision that the two oldest children could no longer be spanked as punishment or discipline. I made the decision because I felt that I was using that discipline to much and too easily. There is also a point at which as a parent you have to grow up and change things up. I cannot keep trying to spank a teenager. It might do some teenagers some good but that it not what I want for my children.

Giving up spanking for me really has been hard because I don't really see the effectiveness of time-outs. I feel like the child just takes the time-out and is laughing at the parents the whole time. I know that there has to be some studies out there that say that physical discipline is not as good as time-outs but that's not how I was raised. I originally thought it should be "spare the rod spoil the child."

But recently, I read the Message translation and it opened my eyes.

 ²⁴ A refusal to correct is a refusal to love;
   love your children by disciplining them. (Proverbs 13:24, The Message)

I feel like the passage is not calling me to beat my children into submission. I am called to discipline them with wisdom. That means the discipline that leads to love and correction. It is hard to change how my understanding but I really want my children to love me not fear me.

Sick Day from the Blog

Ok, so you may be wondering why I am blogging about a sick day but even I have to take a sick day. I got a nasty cold this weekend that has burned up my creative energy. So see you next week with another fabulous and interiging blog about my life.

What happens when you cannot find joy in it anymore?

"What happens when you cannot find joy in your past times anymore? That sounds more shallow than I'm intending. This weekend was my annual paintball weekend in east Colorado. I have been to this event for four years in a row. I have had fun almost every year but this one. I cannot say if it is the event itself, or the fact that I don't find pleasure in my past time anymore."

I wrote this statement down right after I had gotten back after a really unpleasing day of a weekend long scenario paintball game. I never published the comment for a reason that as of right now escape me. I think that I may have worried that someone close to me that helped me attend the scenario game would be offended by my lack of appreciation. Since that day, I have played paintball only one other time. I did have fun, but as always I played at a cost. Paintball is not a sport that I can share with anyone other than my friends who play paintball. My wife doesn't want to go out the games just to sit in the parking lot waiting for my to come off the field. My sons at this point are not old enough to participate, and I really don't think that I want my oldest son getting into paintball. He would be so damaged if he ever were to get hurt in a game. My son would also not really understand the paintball game and a real battle. That means paintball pulls me away or at least drives a wedge in between my and my family. It means I never feel that good after the game as I do when I'm going to the game.

The result of all the factors listed is that for a while I have been thinking about ending my paintballing pastime. I've separated myself for paintball before. When I was a senior in high school I sold all my paintball gear because I stopped hanging out with anyone who played paintball. It's no fun when your the only one of your friends still holding on to something everyone else has given up. I moved on and grew up. Through circumstances of life I began to play paintball again during my early married life. I spent a lot of money to get where I am today. I really don't think that I can say that very much of the money I spent was worthwhile.

So, now I am at the same crossroad that I was back in my senior year of high school. It feels a bit like I circled round this long loop in life, and now I'm stumbling back on to the territory that found myself in all those years ago. What really scares me this time is that it feels like I am going to give up on paintball forever. It sounds a bit melodramatic to say that I might never again play the sport, but I knew this day was coming. I knew for sometime now that there would be an end to my paintballing. I never wanted to be that old guy trying to keep up with kids my children's age. I knew that I would never wanted to play past a certain point in my life. I just didn't realize that point was coming a lot sooner than I thought. I've been in this territory before like I said. I am not coming back here again. This time I'm setting out for parts unknown planning to never loop back here again. And I am sad to say that statement.

No, I am not sad because I have to give paintball up. I'm sad because it's really the end of time in my life. The same statement can be said about many other turning points in life. You feel joy and nostalgia about the experience, but you are also sad that you not going back to the familiar. But things change and I would never trade experiences for youth any day.

Hard to put into words

The weekend seems to have passed by in a blink again. I have a couple of different takes on how the weekend went for me. Either it was a great end to a great week in which I made love to my wife nearly everyday, or this weekend was the culmination in one long frustrating week of battling with my oldest daughter over chores and basic morals. I am not sure which one of these two topics to take head-on. I have been sitting here for a couple of minutes trying to decide what to write about. I have been listening to my Pandora stations trying to let the music decide or at least set the mood. It was not working at all. So now I am just streaming my consciousness as best I can.

It's been bothering me for a while now the idea of writing a story on Google Docs program. I have been trying to decide if I trust Google enough not to steal from me. I know that I am not going to write the next great American novel but it bothers me that I am using a service for free and storing my creative work on their servers for free also. I have a strange feeling like somewhere in the millions of lines of legalize that I agreed to when I signed up with Google I gave away my every word and thought. It's stupid to think about these things part of me says. Because the reality is that I cannot afford to pay for any service anyways. Plus, what makes me think anyone is going to want to steal my ideas anyways?

So that is a small glimpse into my troubled mind. I let little things get to me without knowing how or why I should care about them.

Progession on the New Year

As I am nearing the end of the month it seems like a good time to check in with my yearly goals for this year. First goal, I have continued to keep a good schedule of doing a blog each week. I have to say that I am finding that the anticipation of writing each week gives me something to look forward to. I find that with a reminder each week I can think about what I want to write. I find myself saving ideas for stories as a part of the reminder. I don't know that my blogging has became more inspired. I never intended for this blog to be a literate blog. I am merely reflecting my ideas and thoughts. Sometimes there simple observations on life.

The second goal, I am really glad that I choose to try and not worry anymore. I really have to try to remind myself not to worry. Many times it is simple enough to tell myself, "Don't worry about it." I know that my stomach has been thanking me for the effort I have made to not worry. I really have a terrible stomach because of the stress that I have put myself through. I was living off antacids and prescription antacids. Recently, God pointed out to me that there are others who were able to eliminate worry about life. The Daily Bread devotional on 01/19/10 talked in part about how Paul lived without worry while in prison. (Click the title to go to the devotional entire.) The commentator talked about how Paul was, "content in Christ." That by being content in Christ Paul was able to live in prison without worry. But in turn, Paul was striving to improve his "spiritual progress." I can see how both goals work hand in hand. Relying on Christ means living a worry free life, but in order to live in that constant state free of worry one must strive to come closer to God. Letting God fulfil our needs by drawing ourselves closer to Him.

One final observation on living a worry free life. When you begin to live worry free you find yourself being more honest than you might have been in the past. Worry comes both from what you say and what you don't say to others. Dealing with them in honest means all the cards are on the table you've got nothing to hide from anyone so there is nothing to worry about.

Strong Decision Makers No More

Here in Colorado budgets are tightening, and many politicians are having to make some very difficult decisions. But it seems that many politicians are not going to be able to make those decisions. A good example close to me is the school district that I work in as a law enforcement officer has a nearly forty million dollar short fall to make up. The School Board had put out a list of schools that were potentially going to be closed. The School Board took public comment and researched each of the schools. There seemed a good chance that two even three of the schools on the list were going to be closed. But in the end only one school was marked for closure. And even the closure of that one school didn't even cover one tenth of the amount of money needed to make up the short fall. There is a strong sense that the School Board bowed to public outrage over the closure list by not closing more schools.

Why didn't the School Board close more school? Surely, they realize that they are going to have to come back the list of school again this year. The School Board knows that there will have to be cuts in the budget somewhere. They just aren't strong enough to make those cuts, yet.

That seems to be the re-occurring theme of American politic, now. There is plenty of harsh political rhetoric but no actions to back up the words. The health care overhaul that we were promised looks to be stalled in Congress, and if it ever comes out of Congress chances are it will do little to nothing to cuts costs for anyone. Strong decision are required to make changes in the world right now. Those decisions are not going to be popular. Someone will lose out. Whether those people are the controlling interests of today or the generations that come after. At times, I wonder why I participate in the political process at all. What does my vote count when the men and women whom I vote for become yellow bellied. They play to the coward in the hopes that coward will carry them through the next election. But playing to the coward means no problems get fixed. Someone needs to stand up and make things work not because he or she wants to get re-elected but because it's fixing something that has been broken for too long.

Thoughts A Rambling

We took the kids to a hockey game this Wednesday. We got the tickets for free from a foundation we are working with to get my son a companion dog because of his Asperger's Syndrome. It was the first major sporting event that we have been to as a family in a long time. I will treasure the memory of the game for a long time to come. It was one of the first times that I felt like we were acting like a family. It seems funny to say that since we have been "acting" as a family for so long. I think the difference comes in the heart. We "act" like a family to get through the day or get through the holidays so that people around us don't see how tenuous our family is held together. I think many families "act." Modern life is fragile. We can barely hold ourselves together let alone a happy family.

So when do we stop "acting" and start being a family. For me it comes in enjoying to the fullest those little things about life. A funny day at the park, a good workout, or a night of passionate love. All these things are themselves whole new realms of experience that we can hold dear to our hearts. We just need to live in the moment of that event. God says to let tomorrow worry about itself. Seize today for God and for yourself. No one regrets anything more than those memories wasted or not fully enjoyed. Time will come when there aren't anymore memories to make in this world. Don't regret having wasted even a second that God gave you today.

The Bar Set High- A worry free life

I had originally wanted to write this blog on a NPR interview that I heard near the end of 2009. The blog idea was that I took issue with the idea of "the Dude" from the Big Lebowski as a Christ figure. You can follow this link above and decide for yourself. I think that we too often let the Christ figures in life be "good" men and not "perfect" like Christ truly was in his lifetime. But that is not the point of this blog.

In church today, we spoke of the things that we get when we live the life of the new covenant. One concept that was brought up that spoke to me was the idea that we are free from worry. The Lord knows that I struggle with worry. I have had times of near insanity worrying over the finances of my family. I struggle still to look at the numbers and believe that I am not one cent away from total destitution. But in the new year we try new ways of life. So to that end, I want to live a life free from worry. This doesn't mean that I will not plan or budget. It means living outside the numbers. Experience should have taught me by now that the numbers never add up with God. God can work in everything for his good. Example: My family recently landed free hockey tickets this week. Tickets that are way outside our budget, but still God wanted to give us this gift. With that example lifting my spirits here is to a year lived free from worry. Time for you to think about what your living for in 2010.