Winding Roads

This is my one hundredth post.  It’s a small accomplishment but I want to savor it since it is a pretty great personal mile stone.  I had a one point thought myself a writer, but then lost track of that dream for a time.  I got back to writing again in this blog as a way to “air out some things that are brewing in my brain.”  Since the time that I wrote my first post life has been a series of winding roads.  I have seen my dreams realized and sometimes discarded.  God provided in amazing ways.  What surprised me over and over again was the way that God gave me the desires of my heart.  Things that I never even prayed for, but every time I got what I desired I wasn’t really satisfied by those things.  

The desires of my heart were never really for the really important things in my life such as my wife and kids.  I love them so much.  They drive me crazy sometimes.  Seasons of my life with them have been tough (like right now).  I have had to eat crow many times, and I will never get used to having to admit that I was wrong.  God knows all these things about me.

If there is one thing that I wish could be said about me from the first post of this blog till now it is, “He followed God’s plan for his life.”  I am often trying to run my life on my own terms.  Men tend to do that. We don’t even have to think about it.  I get so caught up in the day to day running of my life that I often miss the callings of God.  The little voice during times of trouble or times of ease telling me to let God take command.  I can think of a thousand times when I nearly drove myself into a panic trying to run my life.  I tried to solve my own problems and get out of my own troubles.  


Right now, God is got me in season of life to teach me to let him run my life.  I don’t know if I have a choice this time.  God seems very serious about closing off my life from me.  With car wrecks, mental health issues, and other challenges, God is going to get through to me.  I need to learn what HE’s teaching me.  

My wife is calling me to her side so that’s about all I have to say about that.  I hope to have another one hundred posts to celebrate sooner rather than later.  Please comment and then subscribe.

Speeding Ticket- Playing the Game of Life

Tonight was family game night at my castle on Caley.  We played the Game of Life.  A classic game that I always remember because I was more interested in the plastic landscape than the game.  As we played the game, I found the random distribution of careers and salaries very ironic.  My oldest son was the lowest paid at $20,000.00.  His career pick was Police Officer.  My youngest son got to be a teacher with a $90,000.00 salary.  I am not sure what school district he worked for but I am assured it was not any public school here in Colorado. 

I don't know why we get dealt the hand we get.  God knows why.  He seems to think that what he deals us will make us stronger or grow us in some way.  I really hope that he's right.  I am thinking about two particular cards that God dealt me, my son's.  I find the mixture of there personalities and physical attributes strange at times.  Take my youngest boy.  He has had a high pain tolerance since birth.  He burnt his hand when he was very young on a night light.  We didn't know he'd done it until the church infant worker pointed out he had a blister on his hand.  The kid had burnt his hand not felt the pain then crawled around on the blister without one tear.  My youngest boy is short, stocky and great at just about any sport he tries.  All these physical attributes add up to a real boys boy.  That's what I thought.  My biggest difficulty with my youngest son is he emotional sensitivity.  He breaks down crying and weeping at the smallest insult.  His sisters seem to get a kick out of reducing him to tears everyday it seems

I have to stop myself from hardening him though.  I could do it.  Too many fathers have been in my place before.  They saw softness in their son's and couldn't reconcile that with the physical prowess they also saw.  So, they hardened the boy through brutalities or insults or the withholding tenderness.  I am not blaming anyone.  I hate weakness in myself.  I'll admit that.  But I get to make that decision.  I get to suffer my choice.  If I impose that viewpoint on my young son will I not be crushing him like flower beneath my boot? 

My second card is oldest son. If you don't follow my blog he is autistic.  That is one of the greatest blows I have ever taken.  I will freely admit that I spent years denying the facts of his autism.  I was not the best dad at those times.  I could even say that I was an emotional abuser.  I couldn't understand why more punishment was not straightening out my son.  Let me try and explain how I felt.

I was talking to a father at my son's school one day a year ago.  We had daughters in the same kindergarten.  We were talking about this and that when the topic of the special ed class came up.  My oldest son had just been admitted into that class that year.  I didn't share that fact with the gentleman I was talking too.  It didn't seem important.  We were talking about volunteering in classrooms.  My companion was telling me how he'd been asked to help out in the special ed room.  He stated he didn't like it much and asked the school not to be assigned it again.  He told me, "I don't know why those kids get such special treatment.  I could have those kids all straightened out in a few minutes if they'd just let me alone with them for a few minutes."

I know that some of you are horrified by that statement, but it's the reality that so many of us have to overcome.  I had to overcome it.  My son is autistic and nothing will change that.  I accept that he will take more time, more energy, and more love than anyone else can give him.  I have all those things.  That's what God thinks.  Some days God is right, and some days I think that God was wrong.  But in the end it's not about the middle of the game that counts it's the end.  Family game night showed me why.

My oldest, the under paid cop, ended up winning the game with the most money.  Not because he made money at his career, but because he collected the most "Life tiles."  A tile is a way of marking personal achievements.  Another way of saying it is he won because the way he lived "Life" not because he worked the hardest.  I want to win the game of life by the way I live it not because I worked the hardest.

My wife is calling me to her side so that's about all I have to say for now.  Please subscribe and comment if you have something to tell me.

Parenting Against my Nature

I am having been having a rough few weeks of being a parent this month.  My biggest problem is that my little angels are growing up.  Each of them is having a problem of some kind that altogether is draining my energy everyday.  My queen is feeling the same strain.  She has the hardest part which is that she has to live with the royal offspring almost twenty-four hours a day.  I don't envy her, but I also really appreciate what she does. 

Anyways, my youngest prince has been really having some huge temper fits.  He was one of the more easy going kids in the family until just recently.  I don't know what the change is about.  If he doesn't get the answer that he desires the first time he tumbles to the ground in a crying, screaming tantrum.  This is completely uncharacteristic for him.  My queen and I are completely at a loss to explain why he started this behavior.  My only idea is that he is displaying some kind of middle child thing.  He is the closet to middle that we have.  My youngest prince has to be feeling like his older brother gets most of my attention because of his autism.  I guess I am going to have to find a way to make my little prince feel special all by himself.  Simple right?  Here's hoping.

My oldest prince is doing better since we upped one of his medications.  I still haven't started the "talk" with him.  You may think it a little early at the age of ten, but with his autism I want to make sure that we get everything covered before real changes begin.  I have no idea what it will be like.  No one really knows.  My oldest prince's autism could have some effect on his puberty or none at all.  It's like playing Russian Roulette.  I have a fifty-fifty chance it will go off in my face.  Even though this sounds really depressing it is exciting to think that my children are getting older.  I would love it if I could have everything figured out before it changes just once.  I think that is part of the reason I parent with so much anger sometimes.  I am not good with change.  I like to get social situations figured out.  I don't like it when they change.  So, now I have to figure out how to parent despite my handicap.  I guess that is where God comes in.  God knows I need to fight myself, but he also gave me my kids for a reason.  I learn almost as much as I teach.  I learn to parent them and in turn God teaches them how to parent their own kids.  Wish me good luck. 
Happy Holidays and have a good week.

Learning to be myself

 I am an avid listener to the Podcast "This I Believe."  I have mentioned in previous posts that I wish to submit an essay to the organization but cannot seem to come up with the right essay.  This weeks essay (which you can listen to by clicking on the title above) was about the life lessons that one man learned while hunting with his father.  I am not an avid hunter so I won't try and bore you with a post about what I might be missing by not hunting.  Instead, I immediately thought of the activities in my own life that I share with my children.

I share the activity of biking my oldest princess and my youngest prince.  I taught both of them to ride their bikes without training wheels within twenty-four hours.  It really was simple.  I was patient and kind with both of them as we worked through their fears and set backs.  I am not normally a patient man especially with my kids.  I am scary often overbearing.  So, it surprised me that I was able to get both my princess and prince from not even being able to balance on training wheels to a two hour journey a few weeks ago.  I am a different man on a bike.  I don't feel frustrations the same way as when I am on the ground.  I understand that I have limits, and I accept that not everyone will be able to ride at the same level.  I forgive myself.  I feel a bound stronger than steel with my kids when I am leading them down the road.

The challenge now is to find that same bounding activity with my oldest prince and youngest princess.  Each one of them presents separate challenges.  My oldest son is Autistic which makes him very unique.  He and I run on similar batteries but they aren't 100% compatible.  My youngest daughter is a fiery red head with spirit.  If you think this is sounds pat it's not.  She is exactly as described.  The challenge with her is merely age.  As young as she is now, I just need to take her the nearest 7-11 to get snacks and that is special to her.  I wonder what she will want to do when she's thirteen?  But isn't that the challenge?  As dad's we have to meet our kids half way in their lives to get to know them and conversely they get to know us.   They see use through our activities and we get to see them.  We just have to be open to trying out what brings our children joy.  Good Luck.

What happens when you cannot find joy in it anymore?

"What happens when you cannot find joy in your past times anymore? That sounds more shallow than I'm intending. This weekend was my annual paintball weekend in east Colorado. I have been to this event for four years in a row. I have had fun almost every year but this one. I cannot say if it is the event itself, or the fact that I don't find pleasure in my past time anymore."

I wrote this statement down right after I had gotten back after a really unpleasing day of a weekend long scenario paintball game. I never published the comment for a reason that as of right now escape me. I think that I may have worried that someone close to me that helped me attend the scenario game would be offended by my lack of appreciation. Since that day, I have played paintball only one other time. I did have fun, but as always I played at a cost. Paintball is not a sport that I can share with anyone other than my friends who play paintball. My wife doesn't want to go out the games just to sit in the parking lot waiting for my to come off the field. My sons at this point are not old enough to participate, and I really don't think that I want my oldest son getting into paintball. He would be so damaged if he ever were to get hurt in a game. My son would also not really understand the paintball game and a real battle. That means paintball pulls me away or at least drives a wedge in between my and my family. It means I never feel that good after the game as I do when I'm going to the game.

The result of all the factors listed is that for a while I have been thinking about ending my paintballing pastime. I've separated myself for paintball before. When I was a senior in high school I sold all my paintball gear because I stopped hanging out with anyone who played paintball. It's no fun when your the only one of your friends still holding on to something everyone else has given up. I moved on and grew up. Through circumstances of life I began to play paintball again during my early married life. I spent a lot of money to get where I am today. I really don't think that I can say that very much of the money I spent was worthwhile.

So, now I am at the same crossroad that I was back in my senior year of high school. It feels a bit like I circled round this long loop in life, and now I'm stumbling back on to the territory that found myself in all those years ago. What really scares me this time is that it feels like I am going to give up on paintball forever. It sounds a bit melodramatic to say that I might never again play the sport, but I knew this day was coming. I knew for sometime now that there would be an end to my paintballing. I never wanted to be that old guy trying to keep up with kids my children's age. I knew that I would never wanted to play past a certain point in my life. I just didn't realize that point was coming a lot sooner than I thought. I've been in this territory before like I said. I am not coming back here again. This time I'm setting out for parts unknown planning to never loop back here again. And I am sad to say that statement.

No, I am not sad because I have to give paintball up. I'm sad because it's really the end of time in my life. The same statement can be said about many other turning points in life. You feel joy and nostalgia about the experience, but you are also sad that you not going back to the familiar. But things change and I would never trade experiences for youth any day.

Progession on the New Year

As I am nearing the end of the month it seems like a good time to check in with my yearly goals for this year. First goal, I have continued to keep a good schedule of doing a blog each week. I have to say that I am finding that the anticipation of writing each week gives me something to look forward to. I find that with a reminder each week I can think about what I want to write. I find myself saving ideas for stories as a part of the reminder. I don't know that my blogging has became more inspired. I never intended for this blog to be a literate blog. I am merely reflecting my ideas and thoughts. Sometimes there simple observations on life.

The second goal, I am really glad that I choose to try and not worry anymore. I really have to try to remind myself not to worry. Many times it is simple enough to tell myself, "Don't worry about it." I know that my stomach has been thanking me for the effort I have made to not worry. I really have a terrible stomach because of the stress that I have put myself through. I was living off antacids and prescription antacids. Recently, God pointed out to me that there are others who were able to eliminate worry about life. The Daily Bread devotional on 01/19/10 talked in part about how Paul lived without worry while in prison. (Click the title to go to the devotional entire.) The commentator talked about how Paul was, "content in Christ." That by being content in Christ Paul was able to live in prison without worry. But in turn, Paul was striving to improve his "spiritual progress." I can see how both goals work hand in hand. Relying on Christ means living a worry free life, but in order to live in that constant state free of worry one must strive to come closer to God. Letting God fulfil our needs by drawing ourselves closer to Him.

One final observation on living a worry free life. When you begin to live worry free you find yourself being more honest than you might have been in the past. Worry comes both from what you say and what you don't say to others. Dealing with them in honest means all the cards are on the table you've got nothing to hide from anyone so there is nothing to worry about.

Neglecting the fundementals

My wife and I have been on a spiritual journey of late. We started at a new church over the summer time. The church is based off a home church model that meets as a larger community every other week. I really like the model of the church since it has challenged me to really get into relationship with those in my church group. The problem as I can see it right now is that even though the church challenges me it is not like the fundamental church that I grew up attending. My wife has really struggled with the part time nature of the church and the community. I keep telling her that it is all about relationship. I know this is true since my cousin is a regular of the same church. The model only works if we really work at making our Sundays about the relationship with the group and with the community at large. But like anything in life it takes a lot of work to make this church work for our family.

But is my wife, right? As the spiritual leader of my household is this experiment with church not good for my family? I have been feeling that I am not growing closer to God just forgetting Him. But would a normal church help me with that?