Breaking the Back of Sin

When do win over sin? When do you finally get past the same mistake over and over again. Maybe, you never do get past it. Or maybe you find a way to get around it when it rears its ugly head. I have struggled with the sin of lust for most of my adult life. I love to look at the form of the opposite sex. It is something that I don't like about myself but it is the reality that I live with. I have tried everything to beat the lust that beats in my heart. I have failed almost ever time. The part of me that wins loses more often than not. Why? I know that I should say that I read something in the Bible that gave me hope, or that I found a group that would help me stay true. I even hoped that I could say that when I got married I was able to leave the lust behind and focus on my wife but that didn't happen.

So what do I do? I struggle on like always. I pray for God to help and forgive me when I stumble. I look for another group of men to confide in. But will that be enough? I don't know. I have found some comfort in the fact that I can take control sometimes. I surprised myself with the self control that I found in myself. With time maybe I will come up with more control but only God knows that.

Loving and Hating God

I love God. I have been a part of the church for many years. I have believed that my faith in God would carry me through my life. But I also have come hate God. I hate that I have believed for so many years that he would save my family from the different crisis of fiance. But so many times nothing has happened. I have done what I could to make things right and stave off the collectors. I end up feeling like I am alone in the world. Not as though God is there to save me from being thrown out on to the street. Right? I feel like all the songs and prays I have participated in have gone out into the empty air. Don't let these words fool you into thinking that I have given up on my faith in God. I still love God. Marriage has taught me that love is more than the feeling of joy and ecstasy. Love and faith is choosing to stay loyal to someone (even God) when you feel anger toward that person. It is important to realize that I need to separate my anger at God with my anger with my fellow man.

Part of the loneliness that I feel is not that God has not answered me from above, but it comes from my fellow believers who have not seen come to my aid. I want have others come alone side me and help me deal with the problems. I don't want them to bail me out of the problem but help me deal with my emotions. I have a problem asking for that help and I want people to see that I am having problems but no ever sees into my heart. I know that it sounds childish but I think that many people feel the same way. We don't want to admit that we want to be helped but help is what we lone for.