Living American

In the end, did the writers of the constitution really ever envision the size that America would grow to. I sure that they might have had lofty goals, but did they think that the nation that they founded would grow to encompass most of continent? And yet some how we as Americans have chosen to stay with the ideals and laws that were present in the founding of our nation. We have had 1 civil war in over 200 years as a nation. In my life time the numbers of civil wars and ethnic conflicts around the world has many times dwarfed that. The nation has had many conflicts and civil unrest has not been uncommon. But ever time the rule of our laws has been restored and peace was maintained. Not always to the benefit of ever group but to the credit of our nation we have tried to make things right for all groups.

Diversity is both the strength that builds us up and the disease that tears us down. Ever time that I travel to another part of the country I remind myself that I am going into an entire new culture. Things can be as different as night and day from one end of the country to the other. North to South and East to West we have built ourselves a version how we think life should be lived. We have our own issues and problems. We solve them in unique ways. But you can still travel from New York to Los Angeles and find the same basic identity in everyone you meet.

But when you travel you see also that diversity can be harmful. Those without the means to buy the best can be ignored and hated. Difference of skins or language could mean the difference between life and death on the streets of some cities. More importantly though diversity can become a cause that drives peoples apart rather than together. Diversity only works when we are willing to accept that even though we may be different we still have something similar at the core. When a group says that they don't have the similarity at the core then they start to tear apart a nation.

Breaking the Back of Sin

When do win over sin? When do you finally get past the same mistake over and over again. Maybe, you never do get past it. Or maybe you find a way to get around it when it rears its ugly head. I have struggled with the sin of lust for most of my adult life. I love to look at the form of the opposite sex. It is something that I don't like about myself but it is the reality that I live with. I have tried everything to beat the lust that beats in my heart. I have failed almost ever time. The part of me that wins loses more often than not. Why? I know that I should say that I read something in the Bible that gave me hope, or that I found a group that would help me stay true. I even hoped that I could say that when I got married I was able to leave the lust behind and focus on my wife but that didn't happen.

So what do I do? I struggle on like always. I pray for God to help and forgive me when I stumble. I look for another group of men to confide in. But will that be enough? I don't know. I have found some comfort in the fact that I can take control sometimes. I surprised myself with the self control that I found in myself. With time maybe I will come up with more control but only God knows that.

Loving and Hating God

I love God. I have been a part of the church for many years. I have believed that my faith in God would carry me through my life. But I also have come hate God. I hate that I have believed for so many years that he would save my family from the different crisis of fiance. But so many times nothing has happened. I have done what I could to make things right and stave off the collectors. I end up feeling like I am alone in the world. Not as though God is there to save me from being thrown out on to the street. Right? I feel like all the songs and prays I have participated in have gone out into the empty air. Don't let these words fool you into thinking that I have given up on my faith in God. I still love God. Marriage has taught me that love is more than the feeling of joy and ecstasy. Love and faith is choosing to stay loyal to someone (even God) when you feel anger toward that person. It is important to realize that I need to separate my anger at God with my anger with my fellow man.

Part of the loneliness that I feel is not that God has not answered me from above, but it comes from my fellow believers who have not seen come to my aid. I want have others come alone side me and help me deal with the problems. I don't want them to bail me out of the problem but help me deal with my emotions. I have a problem asking for that help and I want people to see that I am having problems but no ever sees into my heart. I know that it sounds childish but I think that many people feel the same way. We don't want to admit that we want to be helped but help is what we lone for.

Vast Nothingness of Words

I was listening to the radio and a commentator had a short thirty second spot about her favorite verse. I listened to the spot with some interest as it is a verse that I have enjoyed reading. When the spot ended though I was struck by the vast nothingness of the words spoken. As if in thirty seconds what the commentator had said had actually taken away for the meaning of my day. I thought about the spot and what in particular the person had said that seemed so empty.

She had said,"So many choices have left this generation lost and seeking something more real." And she also said, "We can find hope in God to be our stability in life." I have heard those phrases before in many places church, conferences, and many Christian books. The idea dawned on me that the reason I felt the emptiness of the commentators was in the words. I have heard these phrases repeated over and over again. I hear more about the nature of God than I see in peoples lives. Why all the talk? Why is it that others do not stand up in their churches and demand more than words and phrases?

As a post Christian nation, I see more and more emphasis on talk. Talk about your problems. Talk about international issues and talk about national issues. Talk about religion. Christian are becoming infected by the idea that talk is the best way to show faith. Prayer has become talk. Talk is that form of interaction that takes not commitment on anyone's part. Talk can be good and helpful, but talk can be used to cloud and distort ideas. I hope that religion in this country has not degraded to the point where we are more about talk than acting on the ideas of God.

Life rolls on...

I am coming to the end of my time here at the Jail. I will be transferring to the Court Security unit in two weeks and one of which is my vacation. It is funny how transferring has changed the way I do my job. I have been more confrontational and strict on the inmates now than I ever have before. It is as if the very thought of change gives me reason to do my job to the fullest. I have also noticed that part of me that cared about what they thought of me is beginning to die. I am glad of that death. The hardest part of any job is getting those around you to like you. When you work a job that makes it so hard to win people over it is a fatal flaw. I was often nicer to the inmates sometimes than my own kids. I cannot make it any more clear than to say that I wanted the approval of criminals. That may sound crazy but it is true. It is by the grace of God that I was able to work through that and get to where I am today. I still need to work on it. I hope that it will come more easily with Court Security.

I am scared out of my mind. I haven't really had to do the job of being a law enforcement officer before. Jail work is a lot of telling inmates no and then giving them little mini sentences for rule infractions. It has very little to do with patrolling or policing. But I have done my best to vary my experiences to help me gain a little experience with police skills. I got signed off to work in the public lobby to get used to being a law enforcement officer in the public. I got Crime Scene Technician certification to help me work with crime scenes. I have worked in the Special Housing Unit to work with the most deranged inmates to get used to them. All these things hopefully will get me through training at Court security.

At the same time, I am said that I am leaving behind some great guys. I have gotten to know some of the older deputies here and really like to talk to them. I have my group that I work out with in the morning after work. I know that there are people I will get to know over at the court house but I hope that I will not lose touch with the people I know now. As I am saying this I can hear myself saying this over and over again. Ever time that I have moved to a new job or been transferred I always think that I want to stay connected to the people I know. It never really happens. Very few times can I remember times when I kept in touch with people I worked with. I know that most of the time I would see them once maybe have them over then never hear from them again. Sad I guess but a reality of my life.

Where did the Summer go?!

It is now August. Here in Colorado if you look closely some of the leaves are changing. My oldest is starting kindergarten in one week. The summer is gone my friends and I didn't even get to blink. An age ago, I would be enjoying the last days of my summer. I spent most of my summers at camp working. I spent more time at camp than at home some summers. My parents would told me, "If you want money during the summer you can get a job and earn it that way. Or go volunteer at camp and we will pay you some money for working." So the end of the summer was often the only time that I spent at home.

It was a melancholy joy those last few weeks. It was inevitable that summer would come to an end. Enjoying the last few slept in mornings, relaxing out the emotional knots in my heart from some imagined summer romance, and hoping vainly for change in the new school year. The emotional decompression for the depths of the summer. The momentary bliss between the end of one stage of life and the beginning of another. This in-between time became shorter with each passing year. Until the summer just rolled into the fall without transition. I always thought that would be the best time of my life. When I never had to look forward to the beginning of a school new year. No more new hopes. No more new challenges or new levels to achieve. Never held captive by grades again. Just one never ending agonizing life of freedom and career.

Seeing my child coming up to the starting line of his academic career. I hope that I can appreciate being in-between childhood and studenthood. Relaxing the knots in my heart as I remember him in infancy, toddlerhood, and as preshcooler. I have to see myself in him as he prepares to leave everything behind and take hold of something new.

A world at war

I was listening to this broadcast of Talk of the nation. It was about the talk of this time in history seeming to move towards world war. The professor in this interview says that he does not think that the events as he sees them are moving toward a world at war. I would disagree with him because of the fact that if you carry the events of the Iraq war, terrorist bombings, and Israeli incursion into Lebanon. The world will be at war if these small conflicts continue to brew. Even if the battles are not fought between great national armies but between small bands of terrorists, world war happens when all the world is at war.
It seems almost surreal that I should be talking about the world being at war. All my childhood I was drilled with the mantra of the Cold war. We were taught that the next world war would be like some nuclear holocaust. Media was full of the images of mushroom clouds and radioactive wastelands. I fear that we may yet see this image a reality but in the context of some terrorist act or act of desperation by some nation.
I was reminded how much we need to look to God in times like these by a fellow law enforcement officer. He showed me this article on a book found in a bog in Ireland. The passage in Pslam that is described talks about the nations of the Middle East conspiring to wipe out the nation of Israel. Whether you believe that the passage was found for a purpose or not. God's words still speak to us in so many ways. They live in present, past, and future. I will praise God all the days of my life for the gift of his living words and be confident that he will guide the world events.

The Call of the Generation

My wife and I had a meeting today with a missionary who had been raised in Africa up till the end of high school. I was encourage by what she had to tell me about the prospect of missions in Africa. She told us that in her opinion Africa has been forgotten. I was amazed at the how she talked about living in an unstable country in Africa and being evacuated but she still considered the place her home. Remarkably, she is still on the mission field and continuing work around the globe.
She made a comment that I have heard more than once from people in my generation. She said that our generation (people in their mid to late twenties) seem to be a generation focused on the outward view of life. Our parents generation was more focused on the inward battles of their age and did not seem to understand the need to look toward the needs of the whole world. I agree with her. I heard my best friend say almost the exact same thing. He had been in the military for four years and served his country proudly. His girlfriend has just completed her basic training in the Navy. I was a law enforcement officer. My friend told me that he sees a lot of people our age going out and trying to work to give back to society. We feel this need to contribute something to the greater good and not sit around like previous generations living off the sacrifice of others.
The term "Greatest Generation" has been coined for those who lived through the struggles of the Second World War. It would seem that no generation since then could use that term to describe their generation. I have read books on the jaded nature of generations X and Y. Those opinions may have had an impact on some in my generation to motivate them to try to achieve more. I know that the reason that I got into law enforcement is that I wanted to help and contribute to society. I know that those seem like uptopian ideals that could never be realized but if not be my hand than who will carry the message of Christ to the world. We have been taught in classrooms about the racist and oppressive ideas of colonial Europe and America. Much of the oppression has been tied successfully to missionaries from those countries. It was a bad thing to want to go try to "help" society. So, we tried to come up with short term mission and prayer focuses. Short term missions allowed us to hop in do some good work and leave before we could be accused of trying to oppress the native people. Prayer focus was part of a campaign that was big in the late nineties. We would pray into an area of the map and try to change things not by sending missionaries but professionals who could evangelize while contributing to the work force. Still putting that barrier between us and the natives to help legitamize the work and not lump it in with the past missions work of colonialism.
In the end, we as a generation our trying our hand at changing something about society. We have the examples of generation that did great things with the time God gave them. We also see examples of generations that did not contribute anything to society. We have been accused of not having any substance, and that may be what motivates some to try and bring substance to the world.

What to do when the Lord calls?

Seems simple right? When God says "go" you go to do the thing that the Lord sent you to do. Problem is what to do when you feel God calling you to Uganda to help out children and children soldiers in a war torn country. What about your four children? Who do go with? Do we go alone?
That is where I am tonight. Full of questions and no answers. I feel like I am killing the wonder of God's call with all of my questions. I want to be like the disciples and leave this lifestyle behind like they did. I would do it if I didn't have this family tying me down, right. No, I don't think that I could do this if it were not for my wife showing me her great compassion for the children of Uganda. This call is for all my family. I need to think about that when I want to pick up and go. I wanted to make a packed with God to take away my career if he wants me to go. My wife pointed out that might not be the way God wants to go about this. Taking away my career doesn't really help us with the monthly expenses that we need to take care of between now and when we go. I should remember that I always have a tendency to rush into something without thinking it out. My prayer is that God would open my eyes to what ways he needs me to help out the children of Uganda. What does he want to do with my career? And what does he have planned for my family and I?

Hello!

Hello everyone,

I hope that your reading this entry first. I don't know how long this will last or whether this blog will gain any following. I wanted a place to record my thoughts and air out some things that are brewing in my brain. Everyone will someday have a blog or something similar. It seems to be the trend for this age. I know that I am one voice in a thousand but God will lead those he wants to view my thoughts here. It will be God's decision as to whether he finds value in my writing or not. I pray that He does.
So without further a do, God my prayer is that I may use this outlet as a vehicle for your glory and help to spread You to the world. Help me to remember that in all things I should bring glory and honor to You. Let the words that flow from this site speak truth and love. Amen.