The Ghost of My Christmas

Here I am again. Checking in to make sure that I still exist. I am nearing the end of the FTI phase III, and I feel like a ghost. I didn't think that I would feel like a ghost after going through the FTI program. Many people have said it before that they felt like ghosts going through FTI. I don't really have anything to talk about FTI it is going well. I am more worried about getting off FTI. It is easy when you have someone riding with you, and you can consult about different calls. I am suddenly realizing that at the end of it I will be on my own. I knew that was coming but nothing gets my blood pressure up more than the thought that I am going to be on my own. It will take a little getting used to. But like everyone else says I may not be ready now, but I will be ready.

I need to stop giving so much blog space to my FTI and start talking about the rest of my life. I hosted my first men's ministry event at Faith Mountain last night. It was a father/child Wii bowling night. It was not a bad attendance, but God was gracious and three men showed up with their children. Pat was there with his daughter Jesse as well. That is more than I ever expected to come. I have to say that I am really glad that some men were willing to take time out of their week night to have fun with their children. I have a feeling that I may have hit on the secret for Faith Mountain's men's ministry. The father/child relationship is one of the most precious gifts that God gives a man. Many men have goofed that relationship up, and many more men are just not sure what to do as a father. Fatherhood is one of jobs that doesn't come with any instruction or prerequisites to qualify for the job. I will pray that we get some more interest from men in the church. I am encouraged for the coming year. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Quick Blurb

I just wanted to catch everyone up, and I wanted to get something down before my new week started.

Well, the carpet is in, and I am exhausted. I have not done that much moving and rearranging on the spot in a long time. I was pissed because the guys did not show up on time, and then they had to come back the next day to finish up the job. My back hurts, and I don't feel like I got any rest this weekend. But we got it in and it looks great. I am really loving what it does for the house. I was also able to get some other jobs done around the house. I feel great about all that I have accomplished.

On to my job, I got through phase II and now I am on the phase III. I will have to say that it does not get any easier to move on to a new trainer. I have not heard much about this guy, but I have heard that he is new and quiet. I don't know if that will be good or bad. I continue to trust in God, and I know that He has this all planned out. I continue to need a lot of support, and so keep me in your prayers. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. EL Wilson

Near the End of Phase II

I need to check in so that no one thinks that I am not committed to this blog. I am nearing the end of phase II. I had a real problem getting motivated for my shift. I have felt very out of sorts, and I did not feel like I could get through this FTI. Lori and I stayed home and prayed and read the bible. I really got a lot out of that experience. It was good to be in a place of love and peace. It was even better to immerse myself in the word of the Lord. The Word give me so much strength and joy. I am still trying to memorize the passage that we found. I am so thankful for my wife, but especially for God who uses my wife to bring me closer to Him.

Phase II - Still Trucking

I am still here and going strong. It has only been a week into Phase II, and I have done more this week than I ever did in the whole first phase. The one thing that is infuriating is that the things that I learned in the first phase seem to get me into trouble this phase. I know that will happen since both trainers are totally different people. I get through it and I will keep going.

I was stressed all week but on Saturday I was reading My Daily Bread. It talked about "Flawed and Frail." I was reminded that in God's strength I can get through the week without any problem. God has always chosen people who are not perfect. He picks them that way so that He can show His strength through them. I have had concerns in the past that I may not be cut out to be in law enforcement. It doesn't come naturally to me, and I have always had to work at it. But, I can see that God has brought me this far and will bring me farther. I know that He wants me to in law enforcement for now so that I can do it in His strength.

I am the Student

For those who follow Our Daily Bread, the November 2nd devotional really woke me up to some truths about my life. I am always struck by the way that God has been shaping and molding my life. It is not that I disagree with the way my life has progressed, but I am always weighing the possibilities. Some ideas seem better than others, or a job might be more attractive than another. But, I am always so worried about the future as though it were something that I were able to craft. Not giving thought to the idea that God is crafting my life. I may think I am making the choices but it is God who has the final say.

The passage on November 2nd talked about being a student of the Lord. I am learning what He has to teach me everyday. God gives me problems and tests to build on the work we have done in the past. It is humbling to think that my life can so simply be summed up in the image of student and teacher. Now that I have this metaphor before me, can I use it to be a real student of His teaching? Can I find the humility inside myself to listen to the Teacher. And as ever "Make my steps steady through Your promise; don't let sin dominate me." (Psalm 119:133)

Still in it

I am still here. I was able to get through my first Phase of Fti. I like my trainer. I feel like he has the best of intentions, but I also feel like we are two fundamentally different people. The way he talks to people, writes reports, and general things about how he does the job are very different from me. I am glad to say that I got along with him for the most part. I know that a lot of people do not think highly of him. It may be his attitude or the way he interacts with people. I have a hard time understanding. He is a Christian. But like many Christians I have meet in this profession they all seem bitter about something. Like the job has killed the hope and joy that God should give them. I don't know if it is time in this job or something about the job that takes away the hope. I have said it before that I will quite before I let myself get so depressed. I just hope that I can see it in myself before I become to bitter.

I am trying to get ready for the next trainer. I know that this trainer will not be the same as the last one and may demand more of me than ever. I pray that I can deliever. God has given my strength to get through the last few weeks, and I know he can give me the strength to get through this phase. I have not been working with any other trainees at all so I don't have anything to compare to. I know that God is using this to grow me and strengthen me. It must be working I feel so tired and soul weary. Till next time.

Week One- The Tightrope

So the first week is over and I know for sure that this training is going to be a harrowing experience. It should not come as no surprise that I am not an expert. I have a hard time admitting to myself that I need to learn a lot. Cale and I have this one thing in common is that we cannot get over the fact that we are not great at everything.

I did have one great day. I was able to get through the entire night without screwing anything up. I know that I can do it again. The thing that seems to screw me up the most is my own nevres. I get worked up about one mistake and make mistake after mistake to try and make up. My Trainer is not putting any pressure on me at all. He doesn't have to do that. I can get it done. But I keep pulling and I know that God brought me here so he thinks that I can get through it. I believe God will be backing me up the whole time. I know that some of you might want get some specifics of what I have seen and what I am doing. I will do a stories entry the next time. There are too many stories to go through in one blog.

Week 1

Well, week one came to an end, and I was able to get threw it barely killing myself and my FTI. The week started with riding around with my FTI just standing by and just watching. I felt stupid and totally out of my league. But near the end of the week I took more reports and I felt like things were going good. That is to say that I didn't feel like a fish out of water. As my FTI said,"I know that you don't know what your doing out here but that's ok." I have to say that I feel good with my FTI. I know that he will get on me if I get into trouble but he will only do that to help me out. I was worried that I would get someone with the older disposition of thinking that anyone in Detentions had to prove themselves before they could be trained.

I feel that I can be allowed to grow and learn from this FTI. I know that I will make mistakes. I was given a bag of evidence collection bags by my FTI but I left them on my car. I was so tired that I drove off before getting the bag. I am pretty sure that the bag was left in the parking lot. I know what I have to do is that I will have to replace it on my own. I messed up a traffic stop by not calling it out correctly. I didn't put the spot light on the car when I was supposed too. I didn't get all the information that I could from a witness. I nearly killed us in the car driving to a call when I went through an intersection and merged to soon on to the highway. And so on and so forth. I feel like putting all the mistakes on this entry will help me get them out. The biggest thing that can kill me in this process is that I will take my mistakes to heart and not move past them. I can do this and I know that I will get more comfortable with being on the road as time goes by. I think about how much time I have to go and it seems like a lot but it is really not that much time. Before I know it I will be done and moving out on my own. I will continue to pray that God gives me the peace I need.

Taking Time out for the Family

I am not going to blog about Patrol for this entry. My grandmother died last night in the hospital. She had been in a lot of pain. It came as a shock for most in the family since grandma had been at the edge, but she came back. That was more than a week ago, and this weekend she got worse really fast and her treatment moved to pain management.

I didn't think that grandma would be the first to die. The rest of the family seemed of the same opinion. I got to be with her and grandpa at the hospital for most of Saturday night. It was touching seeing grandpa by her side all night not willing to sleep or even eat. I hope that I could have the same thing that they had in that hospital room.

It was touching to be there with Lori. Most major family events it feels like Lori and I get left out. I understand why. We are not able to get off whenever we need and the kids need a lot from us. Lori and I took turns touching grandma and taking care of grandpa's needs. Lori got to tell grandma all the things that she learned. I am glad to see that my family has had such an impact on my wife. Someday this will all be us and I hope that we can make the same impact on the people in our children's lives.

Going Strong

A couple of days of Mini-skills has gone by and I have learned a lot. I was able to pass the HGN, walk and turn, and One Leg stand test with no problems. I feel good about the way things are going. It was cool that a sergeant stood up in front of us the first day and talked about how the FTI program was about getting us through and not washing us out. I am glad to see that. I meet my first FTI who I have seen around the department. He seemed to be a good guy. He told me what to expect in the first week. He also told me what he wants me to study. I am very confident that I can prepare for the first week without any problems. I hope that God continues to go before me and prepare the way.

In Transition

The time has come to stop dreaming and to get down and dirty with patrol training. My last day in the courthouse was Thursday. I had a lot of conflicting emotions. Everyone was telling me that I would be great on patrol and they had been happy working with me. I believe them the they were happy to work with me. I do not know whether they believe that I can make on patrol or not. When I tried out for the Patrol list last year they all said the same thing and it came as a surprise that I did not make it on the list. But that is just me scared that I may not make it on patrol.

I was touched though at the caring that everyone showed. Most of my co-workers took some time out to talk to me personally. One female co-worker in particular was overcome with emotion as she told me that she was worried that I would be, "Chewed up by Patrol." I never knew that I was that cared for by my co-worker. It was hard to know what to think. I was very sobered by the experience.

Today, we came back from the ranch. It was the only vacation that I could have in the next few months. We relaxed, had fun, and did nothing at all to stress us out. I feel like it was not long enough but it was worth it and I hope that we can benefit from it. The next few months will see.

Beginning the Journey

I have a lot to be nervous about since I found out that I was the finalist for a position at work. I decided sometime last year that I wanted to move on with my career. Working the jail for years that I did and working in the courthouse has given me the confidence that I can do the job I was trained to do. It has not been easy to come to this conclusion. There are many that I work with who have no desire to move on to new challenges or new positions. They are happy to do as little as they can to earn a paycheck. There are many reasons for their attitude. They may be tired of working, burnt out by the evil in the world, or maybe just lazy. Whatever the reason for there attitude I have found myself becoming susceptible to it. I never thought that I would be good enough to make it in the Patrol division.

But now it is a new day, I am going to be transferring to Patrol in 5 days. I want to blog my way through the experience. So here it comes I hope that I can keep it up. :)

The Ice Cream shop

My wife prevailed over me again and I found myself driving to the local ice cream shop to get her favorite. As I pulled up to the parking lot, it was packed which was startling. The shop parking has never been more than a third packed in my experience. When I walked up to the door it became apparent why the shop was so inundated. A group of women of varying age were standing just inside the doorway. They wore denim blue tee shirts with words Trading Bases printed in black on the front and a number on the back. The line that they formed wound all the way to the entrance. I merely had to open the door and I was in line. To
The women were all talking in enthusiastic victorious chatter. Clearly they had won the game and were here to celebrate the victory. Scurrying about the legs of everyone in the ice cream shop were a myriad of children. The children were chased by the corresponding myriad of fathers, grandfathers, and grandmothers. Exasperation was on the face of a few of the fathers. The fathers were trying to catch the eyes of their wives trying in vain to pass off the kids back to the women. But the mothers in blue ignored or were oblivious to the attempted hand offs of children. The ecstasy was pulsating of the Trading Bases players. Life can best be summed up in this one moment in the ice cream shop. Even when life seems to want to drag you back down into it you have a choice to resist it. We join a team or start a group in order to get out of life's grip. We need to feel as though we still got something to give us more purpose than raising kids and working. Sometimes we get to feel that purpose pulsating through your body. Hold on to it try not to let go.

In Need of a Break (Psalm 18:1-3)

I know that today is Mother's day. I should be putting into words some glowing praise for my mom and for the mother of my children. I should but I won't today. It is heartless but I don't feel like I have a heart right now.

I have not been feeling myself at all lately. I should be ecstatic this week since this is the week I get to go to Agate, Co to play in the annual paintball war that I sign up for every year. But because of some financial miscalculations and this general mood of depression that I have been feeling I feel like calling the whole thing off. I really don't care right now. I have been trying so hard to keep it together for the kids and not blow up at them. I have been working at being supportive and not freaking out at my wife about all the problems we are having, now. I feel drained. I want to be happy but the feeling just will not come. Inside, I can hear the little voice telling me to lean on the Lord and all will be good. Part of me believes that, too. But is it a big enough part? I read the Psalms hoping to find something that might help me come out of this. I think I may have found something to help.

The passage talks about God as a Rock, Fortress, and a mountain. But what I am looking at is the passage the reads: "...my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold..." I am praying that the Lord can use the bit of me that wants to believe in his protection. I pray that God would work some kind of miracle in my life to bring me out of this pit.

My Vote is not to Vote

It may seem like this election year will never end. The politics of this election year are burning up the air waves of the media. In the end though it comes down to who am I going to vote for, that is the real reason that millions of dollars are thrown around on ads and TV spots. I am an unaffiliated voter. An independent voter who could swing the vote one way or the other. Of course my personal vote may not actually count that much but as a group independent voters are what it is all about.
So who is going to get my vote? Well let's not go through all the good and bad points of each candidate. I am planning not to vote for anyone at all. Now, don't get upset and start in with "If you don't vote don't complain." I will be voting for all my local and statewide races. I would never neglect the chance to have a direct impact on my city, county, and state representatives. But what have any of my national leaders done? Did they fix health care? No. Did they find a way to fight the war in Iraq better? Not really, they seem to be more interested in who voted for the war. The economy and gas prices seem to be out of the national governments control also. All the current candidates have there own take on all these issues. But none of them seem to have the back bone leadership that would change the world. All the plans they come up with are veiled in bald sound bits the make great news material. But will drop dead as soon as one of them is elected to the nations highest office.
As a Christian, there are many moral reasons that I cannot vote for any of the candidates. One candidate is so smooth and polished that some call him the anti-christ. They say that he was raised Muslim but now has converted to Christianity. One way or another he has beliefs that are not in line with my Christian values. Either he believes in the Muslim faith which I would not accept or he uses faith as a part of his slick GQ facade to be more appealing. Another candidate could have captured my vote if she could have won enough to get the nomination. I fear though that in the end her rivalry in this election has turned me away. The last candidate is war hero and a man I respect but not as a president. He has done great things with his time in the legislature. But his party has ruined the country in ways that will be hard pressed to repair. The selfishness and greed of this party toward our nation makes me wish that I never would have voted for them in the past. It also makes me humbled by the fact that I was so swept up in the fervor of the parties rhetoric that I did not stop to consider the consequences.
The end of it is this. This world is not our own God tells us that. We (as Christians) are aliens in this world. I feel that we got swept up in the politics of the world trying to make a difference. We need to stop and make a difference to those around us not to the world. We cannot make heaven appear on earth by forcing it into our petty idea of Christian. We will not save the world that way. We save the world by living in it as aliens making a difference to the family on the block being different in ways that make others want to have what we have. So, make a difference in your community but leave the nations to the world.

This war is over!!

I recently watched a Frontline special on a platoon of American soldiers. It was video shot by the members of the platoon. I was not sure that I knew what to expect since so many different people have tried to put their own take on the war. It seemed that as I watched the videos of the soldiers I got more and more angry at our government and more specifically the president. I have to admit that I was one of those swept up in the patriotic zealotism at the beginning of the war. And yes, I am one of those now out raged by the fact that the reasons we were told about going to war were false. The fact is that we need to fix what we broke. What does become clear until you see it from the stand point of a soldier on the ground in Iraq is the enormity of the mess we have created.

I sympathized with the soldier. They have a long hard job that means putting themselves at risk for a populist who don't (on the whole) appreciate the things that are being done. A soldiers job is to kill and destroy. These soldiers are having to police, rebuild, and be the moral agents for a country. Over and over again in the special the soldiers said it is harder now than when they were fighting to win control of the country. It is understandable that they feel tried and forgotten when our government sends them to a country then doesn't seem to know what it is doing once our soldiers get there. We have built one of the greatest armies in the world. The only problem is that we don't seem to know what to do with it. We are not at war anymore we are at reconciliation with wrong that we must right. In our arrogance we thought that we had a noble cause to invade a country, but now we need to pull out the killers and bring in people to heal this nation we broke.

The Church Pt.3

"Hey wake up!" Tino was shaking me into wakefulness the next second. I opened my eyes to see Tino's eyes not more than inches away. "Wake up!" Tino continued shaking me not content with letting me wake up more steadily. I looked over to see that the girls were gone. I was wider awake then. Tino seeing me awake moved away from me to the window moonlight was fallen in given everything a blue hue. He seemed nervous and bobbed about looking to me like he were doing his best bird routine he could muster. I took a look around the room. It was the same room that I had fallen asleep in. Just like the penny that you find on the street corner dirty and greenish from years of circulation is the same as the newer penny tucked away in your pocket. It felt like I was going blind or having a really hard time focusing on my surrounding. It was the same room but older. Dirty and abandoned the room looked as if no one had been in it in more than seventy-five years. The shelves that I could have sworn held nicknacks and odd bites of the old couples life were empty or fallen down. The kitchen was empty the odd cabinet door had swung wide looking to me like empty eye sockets on a skull.