Where have I been?

I can't say that I am the best blogger out there, but I have been totally preoccupied these last couple months so that I could not even get to this blog. So, what has kept me from getting to my blog? Since February, I am still working at the court house and it seems to be going well. I like the interaction with the courts and the law. I have had some good experiences but I have also made some mistakes. The most notable of these was being reprimanded for inappropriate use of the internet at work. I was not happy about it but I am not going to make a big deal out of it since I was not using good officer safety in what I posted online. I will write a little more on this later.

As far as the family, Cale finished school on Thursday. He has a rough year at school. The teacher he had was a good teacher but Cale seemed to butt heads with her all the time. The school had him on a behavior action plan and we are going to send him to a psychologist this summer. I was not the best father for him through this. I would oscillate between supportive and down right oppressive. I had as much a problem with Cale's behavior as his teacher. I was both disappointed and ashamed of Cale. I know that this seems to be a horrible thing to say about your child but I have to be honest. I love my son but I don't know what to do about these problems. It is not as though I can use tools to just fix Cale's attitude. I have been trying to use more grace to work with Cale when he loses it. Dante has been growing big and strong. He is talking more and more each day. He does have his times, too. Dante gets so tired that he will literally get so confused about what he wants that he will seem schizophrenic. Ila is still developing into quite the little lady. She will do great at school next year. She is already got the teachers wrapped around her little finger. Ila does have a tendency to manipulate to much and that does drive me nuts. Scottlynn is a firecracker. Her red hair is not just pretty decoration. She is sweet until she doesn't get her way.

Lori and I got to go on a vacation all by ourselves. We went to Spokane and Courde lain in Idaho. It was a great time for the two of us. We had fun just being a couple. Lori and I have been trying to teach a Bible study at our church plant Faith Mountain. We have been at this church for the last seven months or so. I cannot say that the plant has been what I thought that it would be. I came with this plant to get away from a large church to find a place in the plant. The opposite happened to me though. I know that part of the reason that things have not worked out is that my own interests got in the way. I was thinking of myself more than the work of God. I thought it would be neat to be in leadership at a new church and be able to guide that church. But I was thinking about myself not of what God wanted for the church plant. Lori and I committed one year to this plant and we will do that year. At the end of the year we will go back to our old church. I think that I need to get back to a place where I can get more in tune with God not myself. Lori and I are also going back in order to get our children in a church program that has more structure and knows our kids better.

The only thing left to talk about is my big paintball adventure at the beginning of May. I have been playing more paintball more this year than anytime last year. I will post something on the adventure in another blog though. I am trying out my pump paintball marker this year and have giving up on semi-autos for now. I will talk more on that later. For now here's a picture of our newest baby a puppy we rescued just recently. We took her in a 5 1/2 weeks because the person giving her away was not willing to wait another couple weeks.

I believe fatherhood isn't science

I am the father of four, a husband, and a cop. I will admit that I am not the model of the perfect father. I have been mean toward my children at times. I have yelled at them when they were not doing anything other than having a good time. I have at times looked at my role as a father in terms of an Alpha male role making a point to show my sons who is boss. But none of this should be new to any father who is reading this. I believe fatherhood is not a science. It is not something that can be written down in terms that are universal or rational. Fatherhood is not guided by any set of rules other than the ones that each father makes in his own head. This is evidenced by the many bad fathers as by the many good fathers. We all have a vision of what we want to be as fathers.

When it comes to our kids though all our ideas get blown out of the water. We may want to play our favorite sport with our kids but what if they just aren't well coordinated. We want to read them bedtime stories but we can't get past the first page without losing their attention. All the things that we think we know become just sand blown in the wind. I try though and maybe that is the best that anyone can ask for. It should not be the only thing our kids deserve they deserve the best.

The Church Pt.2

The town of Haven was built on the backside of the ridge line over looking the valley through which highway 91 runs. As I drove the car up over the ridge I saw a small bowl shaped clearing spread out before me. The place where the town had been was now a bare patch of earth about the size of half a football field. The town had long ago been worn away by the wind, snow, and sun of the mountains. The church was set on the far side of the lip of the bowl catching the last rays of the sun. The construction of the church had utilized the local stone of the area. Granite chunks of stone had been set in uneven rows to raise a steep peaked roof and steepled bell tower. The sun glinted off small quartz crystals in the granites surfaces making the whole building shimmer. A small stone boundary marked off the a cemetery to one side. Headstones some of stone and others missing probable rottened wood but still the number and density of undulations meant the space had been used frequently.

Susan stirred next to me. She asked me where we were. I told her about my idea to see if this town might give any better report material. Michelle and Tino in the back awakened in the back seat and asked if we were near a bathroom. The road that I had been following went straight through the bare clearing toward the church on the opposite side. I imagined that this might be the only trace of the towns original main street. It took a few seconds before we had pulled up in front of the church and were standing in front of the main door. The sun had set and light reflected red off the clouds. I knocked on the door. I was ignoring the brass plaque on the door that read: Historic Town of Haven Church erected circa. 1880 hours 8-5 Mon-Sat. It was 6pm. I knocked again. Michelle began to whine and dance a little. Tino just stood there looking at the cemetery. I turned to Susan after my third knock did not receive an answer. I was about to tell Susan to walk around the side when I noticed a man standing just behind us. He stood there not moving only looking at our group his head cocked to one side slightly. He was old. I had a hard time placing his age though. He looked older than my grandfather who was young at 70 so he told me, but this guy had walked up on us quickly and silently. Not something a man as old as my grandfather could have done.

Susan noticed my attention focused behind her and turned to look at the old man. Michelle turned with start. Tino seemed dazed or still sleepy because he turned slowly and didn't seem startled by the old man. We stood there just looking back at the old man. Time stopped as we stretched out the social awkwardness waiting for the old man jump in. He didn't. I was about to ask him something when he spoke.

"Lost your way?" His voice seemed whimsical almost mocking. "We don't get many up here anymore. Especially, after sun down."

"We need to use your bathroom. We didn't mean to come after hours but this was just a last minute idea." I had no interest in going through a long back and forth with this guy about the population of the town. I knew that it was more likely this guy would say no but I needed to try. The old man smiled. "My name is Charles. I live here at the church. If you don't mind my rooms are just inside the bell tower. You could use my bathroom if you don't mind."

I looked over at Michelle. She looked leery about the idea of going with this old man but she had nearly begun to cross her legs. At that moment a single light high on the front of the church struggled to life. Michelle nodded. And Charles began to lead us around toward the cemetery. There was a small gate at the corner of the church. We walked through and I saw that the side of the church had been built with a steps up the side toward the bell tower. Charles lead us up the steps at top was a door into the bell tower. The door was thick wooden planks with large metal bands across the top and bottom. Charles opened the door and a glimmer of light was cast by some small lamp inside. I was at the end of our group and last to enter the bell tower.

Inside the room was much bigger than it looked from the outside. There was a small seating room, a kitchenette, and a bedroom which was closed. At the stove in the kitchenette a small plump woman stood stirring a pot. The room was warm and the air thick with smells of herbs cooking. Charles bade us sit on a couch across from the kitchen. There was small dark wood coffee table in front of the couch. On it a tea pot and one cup half full sat. Susan sat down on one end of the couch and I took up the middle. Tino just stood there looking around. Michelle was directed to the bedroom to use the bathroom. Tino asked Charles about the church. Charles answered all the questions he was asked. He never seemed put off by anything asked. I thought Tino must really want to do the report on this old church. Tino was welcome to collect all the information he wanted. Susan was leaning against the arm of the couch. She looked over at me and her tired expression dissolved into a smile. "We are not going to have anything for the report when we get back," she said sleepily. I nodded and sat back into the couch. Susan scooted over toward me so that she was leaning on me slightly. I was not expecting this kind of contact with her right now in this strange old church.

Tino turned toward me and began talking about the history of the place as if I had not been there in the room listening. I was listening then and I only half listened to him now. Michelle walked out of the bedroom. She walked over and sat down on the couch. Charles was busy in the kitchenette with his wife. He was taking down cups and other items setting all on a serving tray.
"I am sorry that I did not make introduction earlier, but this is my wife Stephanie." Charles said as he continued to move about the cupboards. I still had a hard time placing his age. Charles moved in the way that meant his body was more fit than the lines on his face portrayed. I looked more closely at Stephanie. She would look over briefly. She was much older than Charles if the lines were any indication. But she too moved in such a fluid and graceful way I felt like my eyes were playing tricks on me. I also had problems concentrating with Susan next to me. She was leaning into me more and more. She was not being to subtle either. She had let her rest lightly on my thigh. She wasn't doing anything else but making herself more comfortable. Charles eventually brought us some tea cups and a fresh pot of tea. He cleared away the old pot and cup. He poured each of us a cup and handed them out.

"You will need this to wake you up a bite before you all get back into you car. I can see that you have had a full day already." Charles said standing back and taking the serving tray back into the kitchenette. I asked him if he minded if we stayed a few minutes to wake up. "No, that would be fine. In fact if you need to stay any longer please feel free."

The room was hot and the smell of herbs was getting heavier. I saw that Tino was asking Charles more questions. I had a hard time focusing on him. I knew that I was tired from the driving but I didn't think I was that tired. Susan slumped heavily against me. I looked over at Michelle who was resting her head on the arm of the couch. I remember looking at the stove before my head got to heavy to hold up and it fell back against the couch. (To be Continued....)

The Church

It wasn't that I had planned to go up and see the most boring sights that Colorado had to offer. It wasn't like I had a choice. Susan, Michelle, Tino, and I all needed to complete the same report for our final Colorado Minerals Study class at Metro. I wasn't doing bad in the class but I needed to get at least a B on the final project to get the credit. General studies were just that generally passed by not trying to fail. Susan had been the one to come up with the idea that we could do some kind of report/road trip to some place like Leadville or something. We had been taught enough about how the mineral riches of the region had shaped the state by the professor that it seemed like a good subject use. Over beer and french fries at the Boiler room in the Tiv we decided to do the trip. We could take some pictures grab some brochures and then race back and type up the whole thing in shifts. That way we all did are own work but still would not have to the whole thing on our own. Susan was always good at sounding convincing. It was the brunette hair and stylish glasses that made her look like she knew what she was talking about.

There was a three day weekend before the project was due. Some kind of teacher in service or national holiday I didn't care. Susan and Michelle would meet us at the park and ride off I-70 near the Morrison exit. I got there last. Tino and Michelle were packing there stuff in Susan's Jetta. Michelle and Tino talked in that chit chatty way tag alongs always did. Michelle was a pretty blond but there were issues there you could tell. Tino, I don't know how I got myself involved with Tino. He was just there and seemed to tag alone from the first day of class till now. Susan was sitting against the hood of her car. She was waiting for me. I liked being around Susan and she seemed to like being around me. But this was the most involved that we had gotten. She had her life and I had mine. We both didn't ask the other question about it. After class and sometimes before we would walk with each other around campus and talk. I was hoping in the back of my mind that the two of us could use this trip to start some kind of relationship. But I knew that I was getting ahead of myself.

"You run into traffic?" Susan asked me when I got out of my car. She had stood up and was standing close to my car.

"No, the idiot who was supposed to relieve me at work was late." I had to maneuver around Susan as I got my duffel bag out of the back seat. When I turned toward her car she was eye to eye with me. She and I stood there for a second. Longest second of any I could remember. I felt the a weight in the pit of my stomach. It was there and then it was gone and Susan stood aside. I walked with her back to her car.

"We need to get going," said Michelle. Tino just nodded. I through my bag in with the others and we all jumped into the car. We drove up I-70 on Friday night. We talked none stop on the way up. Susan showed off her new stereo but the radio reception was crappy. Tino brought out a MP3 player with a FM transmitter. Michelle commented after only five minutes that Tino's play list was not making the trip any better. Tino then wiped out a cell phone and began a debate with Michelle about which songs they should be listening too. They were in the back seat. As they became more obsessed with their own song list debate Susan and I began to talk about our lives. We went through the basics and had begun to move onto the more personal when we got to Silverthorne. Tino and Michelle were near blows in the back seat plus it was late. We stayed at a hotel in Silverthorne and would get any early start in the morning.

We left at six the next morning. We took highway 91 up towards Leadville. Before we left Susan told me that she called ahead to the Climax mine. She got us a short tour and interview with a foreman. We stopped off and did the tour. The interview was just a monosyllabic question and answer. We didn't really know what to ask and the foreman didn't really want to be there either. We went onto Leadville. Taking the historic tour of the town we copied down some good information plaques and we were heading out of town by two.

I am not sure why I ended up driving but I was when we left Leadville. We had decided that we had nothing to even start the project so maybe if we drove on we could find something worth while. I got on highway 24 and headed south. Susan and the rest were tried and asleep in a few miles. Highway 24 runs along the floor of the valley and in some places is almost wide and flat. I hadn't driven more than an hour when I saw the sign.

"Haven historic sight," read the sign. I remembered something about the town of Haven. The professor had said something about the incredible amount of gold that had been mined there. But like all mining towns it was there one decade and gone the next. Maybe the town of Haven would be more interesting than Leadville. I tried to shake Susan awake but she just mumbled and rolled over in the passenger seat. We wouldn't lose anything be stopping. Buena Vista was the next town with a hotel and that was another hour or two. I turned off the highway and onto a dirt road. The road went up into the mountains and soon I couldn't see the highway anymore. The sun was beginning to set. I was not sure that the employees of the Historic town of Haven would stay past sun down. They may have left already. When I finally got to the church I was ready to turn around. (to be continued...)

I believe in the fear of the unknown

I have come to believe that every morning when I am sitting on the edge of my bed trying to wake up. My subconscious is asking me whether I am ready to face the unknown again. I don't know what my answer to that question is each day but I get out of bed and try to face up to the unknown. The unknown is not the things that I don't know. No man can learn everything and by that process conquer the unknown. No, the unknown is that I don't know what comes next. I cannot tell you if I will make it to work on time, or if today will be the day I will draw my gun and kill a person.

I believe in the fear of the unknown. I believe it is the shocking reality of adult life the unknown. When we are kids the unknown is so great that it is not something that we can rap our brains around. I only have to look at my children to see that truth. My son lives in a wonderfully blissful life of superheroes and robots. Where the worst thing that happens to him is that I turn of the television in the middle of his cartoons. But in my son I see my own life reflected, and I weep for the cold reality of the unknown that he will discover.

Adults all fear the unknown. I most often see the adults who cannot deal with the unknown so they turn to drugs, violence, and despair. I believe that we all deal with the unknown in our own ways. I believe that my God helps me get up to face the unknown every time it slaps me in the face. (to be continued)