I have had to deal with a lot of difficult situation in my life such as: getting my queen pregnant before our wedding, having a son with autism, and being reprimanded for dereliction of duty. I lived through these life experiences, but I have not always dealt with them on an emotion level in a timely manner. It was years till I apologized to my queen for having sex before marriage. My oldest son was in first grade before I would acknowledge that he had a problem and agree to the school testing him for services. Finally, tonight on the car ride home my queen helped me realize that it's time to deal with one more life experience.
About five years ago, I was working in the detention facility as a jail guard. My queen was pregnant with our youngest, a daughter. My queen was having a lot of health problems during this pregnancy. She was hospitalized once with stroke like symptoms that were attributed to complications of a migraine headache. My queen was also going through several emotional trials that made being alone with three very young kids difficult, next to impossible. She would often call me at the jail in tears over the stress. I started calling in sick on the Fridays and Saturdays the first two days of my shift. My sergeant was not pleased. I began to run through all the sick time I had available. Soon, I was using sick time as soon as I earned it. To cut it short, I was reprimand for calling in so much without a "legitimate" excuse. Basically, I was told I was derelict in my duty at the jail by leaving other to cover my shift when we were short handed or so I was told (realistically we had plenty of guards). I have often looked back and asked myself why I couldn't give them something that proved that my sick time was legitimate. I cannot answer that question all I have to say is all the time I used was legitimate. My queen was not doing well in her pregnancy and need my he
I have not been able to move past the reprimand go for all these years. I am angry about it. I know that I am angry as stated in my previous post. I think part of that angry comes from my emotional issues around the reprimand and whether I felt it was legitimate. I felt I had dealt with it, but really I only experienced it then tried to forget it. I having been consciously and subconsciously driving myself not to make any mistakes or be absent from work. It has been slowly killing me. I cannot let it go. There is nothing to do about it now. I cannot change anything. I need to let it go because after having been home for two weeks taking care of my queen I want to find myself. I want to find the me that I was before all this. I want to forgive me. I am praying to God that He would help me let this go and forgive myself.
