Juggling Masculinity

I was watching my oldest prince trying to learn how to juggle two oranges this evening before bedtime.  He would throw one orange way up into the air then try and transfer the other orange from one hand to other before trying to catch the falling orange.  Most of the time my prince would get the orange in hand shuffled without any trouble, but he often would miss the falling orange.  Sometimes it would have fallen too far, or it would bounce off his finger tips.  The whole time he is intently looking at himself in his closet mirror.

Watching him I was reminded of my conversation with my wife this evening while preparing dinner.  We were talking about the conflicting attributes of manhood.  I told my wife, "I am a husband, a father, a cop, and a man, and a Christian.  I have to juggle all those things at once."  Watching my oldest prince, I wonder how many attributes he will have to start "juggling" as he starts his journey toward manhood.  I am reading a book titled "Iron John" by Robert Bly.  It is a study on manhood through the Grimm's fairy tale of Iron John.  I have been really searching my masculinity probing it to better understand myself.  I am struck by how conflicted some of the parts of my manhood can be.  The father in me wants to teach, to protect my princes and princess' from life's pitfalls.  The husband in me wants to serve only my wife, and love her with all my being.  The man inside wants to bellow to the heavens and burns with a wild energy.  The cop in me wants to serve and protect the public.  The "Christian" (this is the American version not what the Bible really teaches) in me wants to hug puppies and judge others for their short comings.  I cannot possibly be everyone of those people at once.  I don't want to be some of those people any time.  On top of all those people, I have this lazy, cowardly, and hateful thing that wants to suck all the life out of my life.

I know that I am moving closer to the point when I can begin to understand when each attribute is needed.  Think of it like a set golf clubs you use a particular club for a particular golf shot.  My masculine attributes are only to be used in certain situations where they are needed.  Sometimes it may be that two or three attributes are needed at the same time, but right now the hardest thing to understand is how each attribute works and what are it's limitations.

What attributes do you juggle with?  How do they work?  And what are their limitations?  Let me know what you think.  Well that's about all I have to say about that, God help our nation's men.  We need to find our holy masculinity, again.

Manly Man?

What is it to be a man?  That's not an easy question to answer; I know that millions of men before me have tried to answer that question.  My friends and I are starting to read a book titled "Iron John: A book about Men" by Robert Bly.  We are meeting as a group of Christ believers, men, fathers, singles, and husbands.  I haven't even been able to start the book yet, but I have participated in the discussions.  I was struck by the need in the group for many of men to come to terms with their jobs.  I heard quite a few men agonize over some desk job that made them feel more a trapped than a fulfilled.  I didn't saying anything during this discussion because of my profession.  I am a cop.  I am living the dream of thousands of boys and men.  And yet, as a cop why do I feel less like a man so many times?  What's happening?

It's not something that I can really accurately describe to everyone.  I have learned how to shoot, drive, and fight over the past six years of my life.  Still, there are times when I am cowardly and to scared to get out of my own car.  Most of the time, I am oblivious to the danger that I face everyday.  I get numb to it.  There are other times in my career when I have just shut down with terror at the people I come into contact with.  Why is it that I live the ultimate man's job everyday, but I don't always feel like a man sometimes? 

I don't think that I have all the answers for this problem.  I know one thing that gives me courage.  Several times during my job I have stopped and prayed for various things.  A back bone, calm, and ideas have all been on my pray list.  I know that each time I pray I get what I need in some form.  So, one thing that makes me feel more like a man is not the guns or the cars but the faith that I wield.  But that can be fleeting if I don't stay God centered.  Another thing that I know gets me out of the car is my own stubbornness.  I am my own worst drill sergeant.  I talk myself into an idea or plan of action.  Often, I am presented with easier ways out.  I have to make the harder decisions because they are usually the right ones.

In the end, I don't think that any man can say that a career gives him the fulfillment he is looking for in life.  I know God gives me the most life I could ever handle.  Sometimes it's hard to live up to even courage that God gives.  It can be scary not to fear.  Other times you’re your only life coach.  You have to give yourself that inner motivation.  What makes you feel fulfilled in your life? 

Have a good week and may the Lord keep you safe.

Letting go can take a few years

I have had to deal with a lot of difficult situation in my life such as: getting my queen pregnant before our wedding, having a son with autism, and being reprimanded for dereliction of duty.  I lived through these life experiences, but I have not always dealt with them on an emotion level in a timely manner.  It was years till I apologized to my queen for having sex before marriage.  My oldest son was in first grade before I would acknowledge that he had a problem and agree to the school testing him for services.  Finally, tonight on the car ride home my queen helped me realize that it's time to deal with one more life experience. 

About five years ago, I was working in the detention facility as a jail guard.  My queen was pregnant with our youngest, a daughter.  My queen was having a lot of health problems during this pregnancy.  She was hospitalized once with stroke like symptoms that were attributed to complications of a migraine headache.  My queen was also going through several emotional trials that made being alone with three very young kids difficult, next to impossible.  She would often call me at the jail in tears over the stress.  I started calling in sick on the Fridays and Saturdays the first two days of my shift.  My sergeant was not pleased.  I began to run through all the sick time I had available.  Soon, I was using sick time as soon as I earned it.  To cut it short, I was reprimand for calling in so much without a "legitimate" excuse.  Basically, I was told I was derelict in my duty at the jail by leaving other to cover my shift when we were short handed or so I was told (realistically we had plenty of guards).  I have often looked back and asked myself why I couldn't give them something that proved that my sick time was legitimate.  I cannot answer that question all I have to say is all the time I used was legitimate.  My queen was not doing well in her pregnancy and need my he

I have not been able to move past the reprimand go for all these years.  I am angry about it.  I know that I am angry as stated in my previous post.  I think part of that angry comes from my emotional issues around the reprimand and whether I felt it was legitimate.  I felt I had dealt with it, but really I only experienced it then tried to forget it.  I having been consciously and subconsciously driving myself not to make any mistakes or be absent from work.  It has been slowly killing me.  I cannot let it go.  There is nothing to do about it now.  I cannot change anything.  I need to let it go because after having been home for two weeks taking care of my queen I want to find myself.  I want to find the me that I was before all this.  I want to forgive me.  I am praying to God that He would help me let this go and forgive myself.

Been taking time to live Life

It's been a few months since my last post.  Life gets that way sometimes with me.  I think I'm going to stay with something for every and every, but instead I drop it the first few hours after life gets hard.  I shut down.  I want to come home just want to drop my daily problems off in my office and watch some TV.  My Queen and royal lineage get in the way of that plan, though.  Pretty soon, I am anger at my Queen and the royal lineage.  I'm not really anger at them, though.  I take it out on them for being right there in my way.  The thing that I am really angry at is life itself.  But what is life that I can take my frustrations out on it?  Life is me, right?  I am angry at myself. 

I used to just get really depressed when I was a teenager.  When life wasn't what I wanted I would pretend to be a tragic figure like a suicidal person.  Thing was I didn't really ever think about suicide.  That wasn't me, I needed to deal with my emotions.  I really just didn't have a way to explain the moods that came over me or the emotions that seemed to rule me. 

So, why am I angry at myself?  Is there an emotional blockage?  Probably, I have never been good with my own emotions.  It has gotten especially bad since I started working in law enforcement.  I don't work in a profession that gives you an emotional release.  Cops don't where there hearts on the outside.  Being a cop means controlling your emotions keeping them in check.  Why am I angry at myself and taking it out on my family? Because, I feel emotionally bottled up.  I don't know how to let off the pressure.

Accepting Second Best

This week was a very long week for me. Many of you probably heard of the latest school shooting that happened in Colorado this week. It is really close to home because I am one those "security guards" the news referred to this week. Deer Creek was one of my schools last semester, and I personally know the "security guard" who was assigned there this school year. I am not going to blog on the shooting this week it is still to fresh to me. Instead, enjoy my take on the current health care debate.

My wife sent me this link this week. It is an article about the current health care debate and our role as modern Christians. The author states that as a follower of Christ maybe we should elect not to have the best tests or get that designer drug for our restless leg syndromes. Basically, if your healthy by keeping from using up medical services frivolously we leave that doctor's time and drugs for others who may truly need it. I know that you could take this debate to the extreme. If your old don't try and prolong your life by taking that expensive treatment or body part. Sure, there are a lot of people who think me a monster for suggesting that the sick and old not hold on to life. But isn't that what God calls us to do.

Matthew 16:24-26 Jesus said,"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

The real question I am asking is where is your soul invested. Is it invested in this life or is it invested in the life to come? What have I gained by extending my life another day or year if I haven't used those days to bring God into the lives of those around others. And I don't mean to say that I need to spend time converting as many people as I can possibly find to listen to me. I mean bring God into peoples lives even just one life by loving them and caring for them. Alter calls are great but teaching someone to love as God loves will benefit them their whole life. I am not the best example of this but I know one thing that is for sure I know where I am going when I die. I don't need to worry about the end of my days. I am free. Are you living free as well?

Loving something too much

It is said over and over again that you must seek the career in the field that you love with all your heart. After having come into my current field in law enforcement, I have to say that statement is true. I love what I do, and I love being at work most of the time. Now I have to tell you that I don't like being at work all the time nor do I like what I do a hundred percent of the year. When I compare it with other jobs that I have had over my life I really enjoy law enforcement.

Here is the crux of this entry. Loving your job too much. Can it lead to wanting it more than your own family. Admit it. Most of the time your job is more clearly defined and has defined goals. Family life is messy and does not always have clearly defined goals. At work you have to do certain things everyday and have yearly even monthly goals that can be measured and rewarded. Family life has certain regular routines but often these can be repeated until you are ready to scream without real reward. As far as goals, I challenge anyone to tell me what's the goal of a family. I am not saying that I would trade in my family or that one family is better than another but what is the plan or the goal. Is it getting all the kids through school? Fiscal solvency? Or what is it?

The point is that work has something we might call stability, and family can be a crazy ride that doesn't really end. What is more important? The rewards at work or the rewards at home. In the end, what everyone (looking for that perfect good that defines your life) must understand that you can fall in love with something too much. A job that is perfect for you can define you, but can drive you away from what really matters and that is your family. Jobs may come and they will go, but it goes without saying that no one wishes they had spent more time at the office at the end of life.

It ain't easy to be in public eye

I have to give an up date on where I am now that Patrol FTI is over. I am assigned to a local highschool down in the south end of the county. I have already had my own sex related case, and I probably could have done a lot better job on it. I interviewed the suspect wrong, probably charged to high, and I didn't book him through when I could have. Not that anyone is busting my chops about this case. I have been more down on myself than anything else. The hardest part of being on patrol for me is being in the public eye. How much easier it seemed when I was in the jail or the courthouse. Admittedly, the courthouse was more public than the jail but it seemed more cozy and familiar. I also have to admit that in the courthouse I had more experience going into the job. I was working the courthouse at least every other month. Patrol I a little expierence with but not as much going into it. Time will give me more confidence though. I know that I have a lot to learn.

The Ghost of My Christmas

Here I am again. Checking in to make sure that I still exist. I am nearing the end of the FTI phase III, and I feel like a ghost. I didn't think that I would feel like a ghost after going through the FTI program. Many people have said it before that they felt like ghosts going through FTI. I don't really have anything to talk about FTI it is going well. I am more worried about getting off FTI. It is easy when you have someone riding with you, and you can consult about different calls. I am suddenly realizing that at the end of it I will be on my own. I knew that was coming but nothing gets my blood pressure up more than the thought that I am going to be on my own. It will take a little getting used to. But like everyone else says I may not be ready now, but I will be ready.

I need to stop giving so much blog space to my FTI and start talking about the rest of my life. I hosted my first men's ministry event at Faith Mountain last night. It was a father/child Wii bowling night. It was not a bad attendance, but God was gracious and three men showed up with their children. Pat was there with his daughter Jesse as well. That is more than I ever expected to come. I have to say that I am really glad that some men were willing to take time out of their week night to have fun with their children. I have a feeling that I may have hit on the secret for Faith Mountain's men's ministry. The father/child relationship is one of the most precious gifts that God gives a man. Many men have goofed that relationship up, and many more men are just not sure what to do as a father. Fatherhood is one of jobs that doesn't come with any instruction or prerequisites to qualify for the job. I will pray that we get some more interest from men in the church. I am encouraged for the coming year. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Quick Blurb

I just wanted to catch everyone up, and I wanted to get something down before my new week started.

Well, the carpet is in, and I am exhausted. I have not done that much moving and rearranging on the spot in a long time. I was pissed because the guys did not show up on time, and then they had to come back the next day to finish up the job. My back hurts, and I don't feel like I got any rest this weekend. But we got it in and it looks great. I am really loving what it does for the house. I was also able to get some other jobs done around the house. I feel great about all that I have accomplished.

On to my job, I got through phase II and now I am on the phase III. I will have to say that it does not get any easier to move on to a new trainer. I have not heard much about this guy, but I have heard that he is new and quiet. I don't know if that will be good or bad. I continue to trust in God, and I know that He has this all planned out. I continue to need a lot of support, and so keep me in your prayers. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. EL Wilson

Near the End of Phase II

I need to check in so that no one thinks that I am not committed to this blog. I am nearing the end of phase II. I had a real problem getting motivated for my shift. I have felt very out of sorts, and I did not feel like I could get through this FTI. Lori and I stayed home and prayed and read the bible. I really got a lot out of that experience. It was good to be in a place of love and peace. It was even better to immerse myself in the word of the Lord. The Word give me so much strength and joy. I am still trying to memorize the passage that we found. I am so thankful for my wife, but especially for God who uses my wife to bring me closer to Him.

Phase II - Still Trucking

I am still here and going strong. It has only been a week into Phase II, and I have done more this week than I ever did in the whole first phase. The one thing that is infuriating is that the things that I learned in the first phase seem to get me into trouble this phase. I know that will happen since both trainers are totally different people. I get through it and I will keep going.

I was stressed all week but on Saturday I was reading My Daily Bread. It talked about "Flawed and Frail." I was reminded that in God's strength I can get through the week without any problem. God has always chosen people who are not perfect. He picks them that way so that He can show His strength through them. I have had concerns in the past that I may not be cut out to be in law enforcement. It doesn't come naturally to me, and I have always had to work at it. But, I can see that God has brought me this far and will bring me farther. I know that He wants me to in law enforcement for now so that I can do it in His strength.

Still in it

I am still here. I was able to get through my first Phase of Fti. I like my trainer. I feel like he has the best of intentions, but I also feel like we are two fundamentally different people. The way he talks to people, writes reports, and general things about how he does the job are very different from me. I am glad to say that I got along with him for the most part. I know that a lot of people do not think highly of him. It may be his attitude or the way he interacts with people. I have a hard time understanding. He is a Christian. But like many Christians I have meet in this profession they all seem bitter about something. Like the job has killed the hope and joy that God should give them. I don't know if it is time in this job or something about the job that takes away the hope. I have said it before that I will quite before I let myself get so depressed. I just hope that I can see it in myself before I become to bitter.

I am trying to get ready for the next trainer. I know that this trainer will not be the same as the last one and may demand more of me than ever. I pray that I can deliever. God has given my strength to get through the last few weeks, and I know he can give me the strength to get through this phase. I have not been working with any other trainees at all so I don't have anything to compare to. I know that God is using this to grow me and strengthen me. It must be working I feel so tired and soul weary. Till next time.

Week One- The Tightrope

So the first week is over and I know for sure that this training is going to be a harrowing experience. It should not come as no surprise that I am not an expert. I have a hard time admitting to myself that I need to learn a lot. Cale and I have this one thing in common is that we cannot get over the fact that we are not great at everything.

I did have one great day. I was able to get through the entire night without screwing anything up. I know that I can do it again. The thing that seems to screw me up the most is my own nevres. I get worked up about one mistake and make mistake after mistake to try and make up. My Trainer is not putting any pressure on me at all. He doesn't have to do that. I can get it done. But I keep pulling and I know that God brought me here so he thinks that I can get through it. I believe God will be backing me up the whole time. I know that some of you might want get some specifics of what I have seen and what I am doing. I will do a stories entry the next time. There are too many stories to go through in one blog.

Week 1

Well, week one came to an end, and I was able to get threw it barely killing myself and my FTI. The week started with riding around with my FTI just standing by and just watching. I felt stupid and totally out of my league. But near the end of the week I took more reports and I felt like things were going good. That is to say that I didn't feel like a fish out of water. As my FTI said,"I know that you don't know what your doing out here but that's ok." I have to say that I feel good with my FTI. I know that he will get on me if I get into trouble but he will only do that to help me out. I was worried that I would get someone with the older disposition of thinking that anyone in Detentions had to prove themselves before they could be trained.

I feel that I can be allowed to grow and learn from this FTI. I know that I will make mistakes. I was given a bag of evidence collection bags by my FTI but I left them on my car. I was so tired that I drove off before getting the bag. I am pretty sure that the bag was left in the parking lot. I know what I have to do is that I will have to replace it on my own. I messed up a traffic stop by not calling it out correctly. I didn't put the spot light on the car when I was supposed too. I didn't get all the information that I could from a witness. I nearly killed us in the car driving to a call when I went through an intersection and merged to soon on to the highway. And so on and so forth. I feel like putting all the mistakes on this entry will help me get them out. The biggest thing that can kill me in this process is that I will take my mistakes to heart and not move past them. I can do this and I know that I will get more comfortable with being on the road as time goes by. I think about how much time I have to go and it seems like a lot but it is really not that much time. Before I know it I will be done and moving out on my own. I will continue to pray that God gives me the peace I need.

Going Strong

A couple of days of Mini-skills has gone by and I have learned a lot. I was able to pass the HGN, walk and turn, and One Leg stand test with no problems. I feel good about the way things are going. It was cool that a sergeant stood up in front of us the first day and talked about how the FTI program was about getting us through and not washing us out. I am glad to see that. I meet my first FTI who I have seen around the department. He seemed to be a good guy. He told me what to expect in the first week. He also told me what he wants me to study. I am very confident that I can prepare for the first week without any problems. I hope that God continues to go before me and prepare the way.

In Transition

The time has come to stop dreaming and to get down and dirty with patrol training. My last day in the courthouse was Thursday. I had a lot of conflicting emotions. Everyone was telling me that I would be great on patrol and they had been happy working with me. I believe them the they were happy to work with me. I do not know whether they believe that I can make on patrol or not. When I tried out for the Patrol list last year they all said the same thing and it came as a surprise that I did not make it on the list. But that is just me scared that I may not make it on patrol.

I was touched though at the caring that everyone showed. Most of my co-workers took some time out to talk to me personally. One female co-worker in particular was overcome with emotion as she told me that she was worried that I would be, "Chewed up by Patrol." I never knew that I was that cared for by my co-worker. It was hard to know what to think. I was very sobered by the experience.

Today, we came back from the ranch. It was the only vacation that I could have in the next few months. We relaxed, had fun, and did nothing at all to stress us out. I feel like it was not long enough but it was worth it and I hope that we can benefit from it. The next few months will see.

Beginning the Journey

I have a lot to be nervous about since I found out that I was the finalist for a position at work. I decided sometime last year that I wanted to move on with my career. Working the jail for years that I did and working in the courthouse has given me the confidence that I can do the job I was trained to do. It has not been easy to come to this conclusion. There are many that I work with who have no desire to move on to new challenges or new positions. They are happy to do as little as they can to earn a paycheck. There are many reasons for their attitude. They may be tired of working, burnt out by the evil in the world, or maybe just lazy. Whatever the reason for there attitude I have found myself becoming susceptible to it. I never thought that I would be good enough to make it in the Patrol division.

But now it is a new day, I am going to be transferring to Patrol in 5 days. I want to blog my way through the experience. So here it comes I hope that I can keep it up. :)