It's been a few months since my last post. Life gets that way sometimes with me. I think I'm going to stay with something for every and every, but instead I drop it the first few hours after life gets hard. I shut down. I want to come home just want to drop my daily problems off in my office and watch some TV. My Queen and royal lineage get in the way of that plan, though. Pretty soon, I am anger at my Queen and the royal lineage. I'm not really anger at them, though. I take it out on them for being right there in my way. The thing that I am really angry at is life itself. But what is life that I can take my frustrations out on it? Life is me, right? I am angry at myself.
I used to just get really depressed when I was a teenager. When life wasn't what I wanted I would pretend to be a tragic figure like a suicidal person. Thing was I didn't really ever think about suicide. That wasn't me, I needed to deal with my emotions. I really just didn't have a way to explain the moods that came over me or the emotions that seemed to rule me.
So, why am I angry at myself? Is there an emotional blockage? Probably, I have never been good with my own emotions. It has gotten especially bad since I started working in law enforcement. I don't work in a profession that gives you an emotional release. Cops don't where there hearts on the outside. Being a cop means controlling your emotions keeping them in check. Why am I angry at myself and taking it out on my family? Because, I feel emotionally bottled up. I don't know how to let off the pressure.
