Long Silence

It's been a while since my last post.  I have been living life.  I had a great winter season learning a lot about myself and my life.  I had time to work on making my marriage even better.  My family has made its home in a really great church, and I have been growing closer to God.  All that meant that I had to balance out my life.  I let my blogging go by the wayside.

I made some other online life changes.  I dropped Facebook.  I am not going to go through all the reasons now, but I was reminded that before Facebook I had a really life.  I cannot multitask.  Maybe some of you reading this can multitask but I'm not one.  Only focus on a few things you can do really well that's what I am trying to do.  I am still working on the few things I chose.  I hope that I can now fit this blog into that list.  I don't know how I will handle posting or how often, but I want to get back into the practice.  Hopefully, I can hear from those of you who read this blog.  I would love to hear your thoughts on this or any of the previous posts.

Well my wife is calling me to her side.  Please subscribe, and leave a comment about how you may have had to let something go or how your able to multitask your life.

Glancing Back but Moving on

Most of us took a moment to think about where we were ten years ago today. I was at a men's breakfast bible study. I remember very little about the rest of the day other than trying to get ahold of my friend who was due to get of the Army that day. I remember talking to him on the phone about whether or not he'd be coming home or staying another couple years. That day will be forever with me but even now time has faded it just a little.

I was talking to my wife this morning about remembering. I told her that I would remember today but I didn't want to dwell on the tragedy. I wanted to get out with my kids and enjoy what is still my life in my country. I am not at all saying that we shouldn't morn. I have morned in my own way many times during this last week leading up to today. I just don't want to let anyone change who I am by making me fear or fail to move on.

The thought was repeated in my brain several times that we shouldn't leave the house for fear of something happening somewhere. But I didn't want to give into that thought. I wanted to stand up and say, "I am here still and I will live my life as an American without fear or shame."

My wife is calling me to her side so that's about all I have to say about that.  It's good to be back. I took a longer break from the blog than I intended.  Please comment and subscribe as always.

Winding Roads

This is my one hundredth post.  It’s a small accomplishment but I want to savor it since it is a pretty great personal mile stone.  I had a one point thought myself a writer, but then lost track of that dream for a time.  I got back to writing again in this blog as a way to “air out some things that are brewing in my brain.”  Since the time that I wrote my first post life has been a series of winding roads.  I have seen my dreams realized and sometimes discarded.  God provided in amazing ways.  What surprised me over and over again was the way that God gave me the desires of my heart.  Things that I never even prayed for, but every time I got what I desired I wasn’t really satisfied by those things.  

The desires of my heart were never really for the really important things in my life such as my wife and kids.  I love them so much.  They drive me crazy sometimes.  Seasons of my life with them have been tough (like right now).  I have had to eat crow many times, and I will never get used to having to admit that I was wrong.  God knows all these things about me.

If there is one thing that I wish could be said about me from the first post of this blog till now it is, “He followed God’s plan for his life.”  I am often trying to run my life on my own terms.  Men tend to do that. We don’t even have to think about it.  I get so caught up in the day to day running of my life that I often miss the callings of God.  The little voice during times of trouble or times of ease telling me to let God take command.  I can think of a thousand times when I nearly drove myself into a panic trying to run my life.  I tried to solve my own problems and get out of my own troubles.  


Right now, God is got me in season of life to teach me to let him run my life.  I don’t know if I have a choice this time.  God seems very serious about closing off my life from me.  With car wrecks, mental health issues, and other challenges, God is going to get through to me.  I need to learn what HE’s teaching me.  

My wife is calling me to her side so that’s about all I have to say about that.  I hope to have another one hundred posts to celebrate sooner rather than later.  Please comment and then subscribe.

Weekly Action Report

I have been trying to com up with a topic for this week, but I couldn't really think of anything that was heart felt.  I am going to use this blog to give everybody an update to some of the things that have been happen to me. 

For the new year, I had committed to spending one evening a week with each one of my children.  It has been a rough start because I had no real plan in mind.  I just wanted to spend time with each one them to get to know them each.  This week I took my oldest daughter to the ice cream shop.  I brought a small notebook with me.  I spent the time eating ice cream asking her some basic questions about her.  I wanted to write them down so that I could hold on to it and compare it with later lists.  I found out interesting aspects about my daughter.  I didn't know that she liked roller skating.  We have been roller skating maybe twice.  She got a pair of really good skates handed down to her from a friend.  Today when we went for a walk she skated around the block with us (as documented in the picture above).  The notes are a really simple idea but they paid off already with the discovery of my oldest daughter love of roller skating.

Our cat decided to go on the walk with us.

 
On another note, My wife has been battling a cold this week so this weekend we spent most of our time relaxing.  My youngest seems to be getting the cold now.  My wife and I were able to get away for a few hours on Saturday night.  I got an invitation to a celebration for participants in a charity event this past Christmas.  The best part was it was basically a free date.  We got one beverage and all the free food we could eat.  I had some great Buffalo Wings and Mozzarella Sticks (real health food).  We then drove up to a city park over looking the south metro area.  I really enjoyed the simplicity of the date.  I wish I'd had  more energy to enjoy my wife more fully. 

Seriously, the cat followed around the block.

On a final note, I am starting to read some more manhood books and parenting books.  I have a goal of putting together a mentoring lesson for my sons for our camping trip this summer.  My hope is that if I can get something put together this year and work with it I will be able to start a multi-family father-son camping trip next year.  I have fond childhood memories of my father-son camping trips.  I wanted to build those memories for my own sons.  I know that there are other men out there who also want to share similar experiences with their sons. 

Looking at the hundreds of parenting and manhood books that are available in my local library, I feel the need to read them all.  I know that I don't have that much time.  If any of you out there who reading this have any suggestion please leave a comment.  I would love to get some input into what other men had read and liked.  That's probably the most important part of the idea.  I love to hear what not to read, but I really want to know what books others have loved or been touched by.  Please let me know either way.  Till next time, I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Broken Trees

I have always been a believer in God speaking through all kinds of events especially when your in need of it.  The problem is being open to God’s voice when he’s speaking to you.  This morning I wasn’t looking for God to speak his words of encouragement to me.  In my last post, I spoke to you about the rage that I have been dealing with.  Part of the has to do with being a parent to a child with a disability.  My oldest son is autistic specifically diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.  He can be a handful even at the best of times.  When you throw in three other children life becomes overwhelming very quickly.  I am not sure why God gave me this particular mix of kids.  Until this morning, I would have told you that it was my burden to bare.  

What I heard this morning was that I was given my kids so that I can see the greatness of God.  I get to experience it first hand.  And sometimes I am going to say, “I’m out. I’m done.”  Even in those times Gods still teaching me something through me kids especially my oldest son.  He has a love for the smallest and least of the world.  Why is it that those we call “broken” can give to those poorer themselves without a thought?  We who are “whole” have to be dragged kicking and screaming to spare a few cents for someone.  I cannot say that I know the answer.  What I know is that I’m not being “punished” or “burdened” by my son.  God gave him to me as his greatest blessing.  This is my talent.  I could bury it in the sand hoping to just get by without losing him.  Or I could invest in him.  I can see just how far he and I can go before the end.  I once thought that I was destined to be pastor.  I always thought that pastoring is how I would serve God’s kingdom.  I never thought that my service would be to my family.  I am finding that God gave me more than anyone could ever ask for in my family.  Mine is a flock bigger than any mega-church or temple.  I am truly ashamed to think of the ways that I have wasted my gift at times.  

I wasn’t sure how God was going to get me back on track after the rage of these past weeks.  I have fallen down before and crawled back before.  God knew what I needed this morning was to hear that he gave me great blessings and raising them will not be easy.  But in the end I will hopefully get to see them in their transformed bodies whole and glorious.  I know that’s what I heard.  I know that I am not alone either as evidenced by the hug my wife and I received from my relatives.  God was in on that hug, too.    

That’s all I have to say for this week.  Are you living with “broken” blessing?  How’s it going?  Are you ready to give up?  Leave me a comment with your thoughts.

New Bar Set High

Happy New Year!!  I am ready to meet this new year.  I am glad coming out of one of the best holiday seasons of my life.  I have been thinking about what is going to define me this year.  Last year, I made two commitments.  The first was that I would blog on a weekly basis.  I have to say that I pretty much succeeded in that goal.  If you have been following me you would have seen a new post from me every Sunday.  I didn't get every week but eighty to ninety percent is good enough for me.  As for my second goal, I determined to live a worry free life.  I don't know if I could say that I was successful in this goal, but I feel better about my life now than I did one year ago.  It took many battles and a lot of soul searching to get here but I feel less worried than before.  I stumble a lot though.  I still don't feel good about money, and I don't always parent the best way I can.

That brings me to the new goal that I will be setting for myself.  I will continue to blog.  I will now add to my weekly schedule taking one of my children out each week.  I don't really think that I can take them out to dinner, yet.  I plan to take them to library or get kids cones at the ice cream store.  I have been really thinking about who I am as a parent and a man.  I want to make an impact with my family.  I want to be a father to my kids.  I wanted to start ministering to others in my life, and I realized that my kids fall into that category.  They are more important though since God gave me them as an investment.  He wants to see a return for his trust in me.  I want to make sure when it's all done I can say that I made the effort to expand his investment even if I failed. 

That's about all I have to say for now.  God go before us all this year help us grow and heal each other.

Pixelated Xmas Memories

Everyone is a Hero

It's been a great holiday season.  I don't normally feel this way at the end of the Thanksgiving to Christmas season.  I usually am the Grinchy one at the holiday party.  I am not a people person.  During the holidays, I have a (what seems un-ending) list of parties and charity events to attend.  I have gotten so overwhelmed I have trouble cooking a simple breakfast for my princes and princesses.  I should have figured out by now why I get so grumpy during holidays.  It's was only this year that I took an inward look at myself.  I asked God and myself why cannot I keep from the grumpy feelings. 


 I simply needed to recharge myself more often through quiet, alone time.  I took our dog for a walk this morning to the library.  It was fabulous.  I walked some of my frustrations out.  I really wish I had some cold weather bike gear.  I know that I would drain all my grumpy out on the trails. 

Youngest Prince at the Movies

Oldest Prince at the Movies

To continue, I had a good holiday.  I didn't really expect anything from any of my relatives this year.  I know that my expectations have caused me anguish in the past (I'm not proud to admit that).  I didn't expect anyone would get me much this year because of the economy.  My attitude really helped me focus of the givers rather than the gifts.  I was much happier that way.  I also really tried to put some thought into the gifts I gave this year.  When I really try to think about the person whom I giving the gift to I come up with more meaningful gifts.  This year's Christmas surely will stick out to in my memory.  I will end with some photos of my nephew at our big Christmas celebration.

That's all I have to say for now, God please bless us this year and next.

Been taking time to live Life

It's been a few months since my last post.  Life gets that way sometimes with me.  I think I'm going to stay with something for every and every, but instead I drop it the first few hours after life gets hard.  I shut down.  I want to come home just want to drop my daily problems off in my office and watch some TV.  My Queen and royal lineage get in the way of that plan, though.  Pretty soon, I am anger at my Queen and the royal lineage.  I'm not really anger at them, though.  I take it out on them for being right there in my way.  The thing that I am really angry at is life itself.  But what is life that I can take my frustrations out on it?  Life is me, right?  I am angry at myself. 

I used to just get really depressed when I was a teenager.  When life wasn't what I wanted I would pretend to be a tragic figure like a suicidal person.  Thing was I didn't really ever think about suicide.  That wasn't me, I needed to deal with my emotions.  I really just didn't have a way to explain the moods that came over me or the emotions that seemed to rule me. 

So, why am I angry at myself?  Is there an emotional blockage?  Probably, I have never been good with my own emotions.  It has gotten especially bad since I started working in law enforcement.  I don't work in a profession that gives you an emotional release.  Cops don't where there hearts on the outside.  Being a cop means controlling your emotions keeping them in check.  Why am I angry at myself and taking it out on my family? Because, I feel emotionally bottled up.  I don't know how to let off the pressure.

10 Things for 10 years of marriage

I had my ten year wedding anniversary at end of May. My wife and I sat down to write down ten things that we have learned in ten years of marriage. I didn't really get to thinking about how much an accomplishment ten years of marriage were. Until, I started thinking about some of my childhood friends. One friend has gotten two separate women pregnant without marrying either, another friend has been divorced at least twice, and the rest are working on at least their second marriages or recently single. So, maybe ten years is the exception not the rule anymore. Here is the list that we came up with:

How to Survive the First Ten Years

1. Honesty is the best quality- be honest about everything.
2. Shared hobbies are good, but separate hobbies are even better.
3. Don't move furniture together. Get your friends to help or hire someone you
don't want the headache.
4. If you want something done your way do it yourself.
5. Try to avoid interruptions to your lovemaking.
6. Make time for each other everyday. Just saying, "I love you" can be enough.
7. Spur each other on to greatness without nagging.
8. Expect that you will each change over time.
9. Dream together about life after kids.

10. BEWARE THE 7 YEAR ITCH.

If you have some more rules that got your marriage through ten years or more (even better). Please leave them as a comment, email, or Facebook comment.

Neglecting the fundementals

My wife and I have been on a spiritual journey of late. We started at a new church over the summer time. The church is based off a home church model that meets as a larger community every other week. I really like the model of the church since it has challenged me to really get into relationship with those in my church group. The problem as I can see it right now is that even though the church challenges me it is not like the fundamental church that I grew up attending. My wife has really struggled with the part time nature of the church and the community. I keep telling her that it is all about relationship. I know this is true since my cousin is a regular of the same church. The model only works if we really work at making our Sundays about the relationship with the group and with the community at large. But like anything in life it takes a lot of work to make this church work for our family.

But is my wife, right? As the spiritual leader of my household is this experiment with church not good for my family? I have been feeling that I am not growing closer to God just forgetting Him. But would a normal church help me with that?

Loving something too much

It is said over and over again that you must seek the career in the field that you love with all your heart. After having come into my current field in law enforcement, I have to say that statement is true. I love what I do, and I love being at work most of the time. Now I have to tell you that I don't like being at work all the time nor do I like what I do a hundred percent of the year. When I compare it with other jobs that I have had over my life I really enjoy law enforcement.

Here is the crux of this entry. Loving your job too much. Can it lead to wanting it more than your own family. Admit it. Most of the time your job is more clearly defined and has defined goals. Family life is messy and does not always have clearly defined goals. At work you have to do certain things everyday and have yearly even monthly goals that can be measured and rewarded. Family life has certain regular routines but often these can be repeated until you are ready to scream without real reward. As far as goals, I challenge anyone to tell me what's the goal of a family. I am not saying that I would trade in my family or that one family is better than another but what is the plan or the goal. Is it getting all the kids through school? Fiscal solvency? Or what is it?

The point is that work has something we might call stability, and family can be a crazy ride that doesn't really end. What is more important? The rewards at work or the rewards at home. In the end, what everyone (looking for that perfect good that defines your life) must understand that you can fall in love with something too much. A job that is perfect for you can define you, but can drive you away from what really matters and that is your family. Jobs may come and they will go, but it goes without saying that no one wishes they had spent more time at the office at the end of life.

I am the Student

For those who follow Our Daily Bread, the November 2nd devotional really woke me up to some truths about my life. I am always struck by the way that God has been shaping and molding my life. It is not that I disagree with the way my life has progressed, but I am always weighing the possibilities. Some ideas seem better than others, or a job might be more attractive than another. But, I am always so worried about the future as though it were something that I were able to craft. Not giving thought to the idea that God is crafting my life. I may think I am making the choices but it is God who has the final say.

The passage on November 2nd talked about being a student of the Lord. I am learning what He has to teach me everyday. God gives me problems and tests to build on the work we have done in the past. It is humbling to think that my life can so simply be summed up in the image of student and teacher. Now that I have this metaphor before me, can I use it to be a real student of His teaching? Can I find the humility inside myself to listen to the Teacher. And as ever "Make my steps steady through Your promise; don't let sin dominate me." (Psalm 119:133)

Taking Time out for the Family

I am not going to blog about Patrol for this entry. My grandmother died last night in the hospital. She had been in a lot of pain. It came as a shock for most in the family since grandma had been at the edge, but she came back. That was more than a week ago, and this weekend she got worse really fast and her treatment moved to pain management.

I didn't think that grandma would be the first to die. The rest of the family seemed of the same opinion. I got to be with her and grandpa at the hospital for most of Saturday night. It was touching seeing grandpa by her side all night not willing to sleep or even eat. I hope that I could have the same thing that they had in that hospital room.

It was touching to be there with Lori. Most major family events it feels like Lori and I get left out. I understand why. We are not able to get off whenever we need and the kids need a lot from us. Lori and I took turns touching grandma and taking care of grandpa's needs. Lori got to tell grandma all the things that she learned. I am glad to see that my family has had such an impact on my wife. Someday this will all be us and I hope that we can make the same impact on the people in our children's lives.