Monday, April 25, 2011
Something Big to Come
This weekend was fun but completely draining. I was not able to get the energy up to work out a post. My wife and I are still recovering. But there seems to be more to this slump than just simply having a long weekend. I have been feeling not so myself as of late. I am trying figure out why. I really don't want to leave this short post, but I need to figure out somethings. Something Big is yet to Come.
Monday, April 18, 2011
King of Crazy
I feel like I’m not the King on Caley sometimes. I feel like the King of Crazy. Life in my house moves in seasons similar to the ebb and flow of the tide. This is not my own concept I got this from our pastor this Sunday. (Thank you, Hugh.) I never thought of my life this way before, but I totally understand the concept. Here’s the season we are in right now.
I am tired and my mind doesn’t seem to work at normal speed. My kids have become hyperactive during this season, or maybe that’s how I perceive them. I can’t seem to get the kids to do anything I ask of them. It’s hard to describe how uncontrollable life feels during this season. I don’t get much done during this season. I cannot come up with the energy to read, write, or cook. We eat our meals in front of the television instead of the dining room table. My wife seems really disconnected at times. I get angry with her because I feel like she’s dumping the kids on me when I get home. It’s not fair I know to expect her to be on twenty-four, seven. She is just as tired if not more than I am. Life just isn’t fair. I used to think that I needed to bring my life back into order/balance during this season of life.
I don’t think that way anymore. I realize now that trying to bring order to life all the time is not possible. Imagine if you will a beach. I don’t want the tide to come in and ruin my picnic so I begin build walls of sand to try and keep out the tide. The tide begins washing away these sand walls. Instead of seeing how fruitless the effect is, I begin blaming my family for the tide. The more the tide washes away the walls hold my family responsible for the problem. Then when the picnic is ruined it’s not my fault it’s my families.
I know this is how I work internally. I cannot stop myself sometimes even though I know I’m adding to the craziness. My wife asked me the other day if I need to speak to someone about my outbursts. I don’t know. I know that in time the tide will flow the other way. Life will be fun and exciting. But what happens when the tide comes back in? How will I deal with the return of this season of crazy? My wife loves to say, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.” The tide is come in now do I find a way to float the picnic or do I let it sink?
My wife is calling me to her side so that’s about all I have to say for now. Please leave me a comment and subscribe. How do you handle the crazy seasons in your life?
I am tired and my mind doesn’t seem to work at normal speed. My kids have become hyperactive during this season, or maybe that’s how I perceive them. I can’t seem to get the kids to do anything I ask of them. It’s hard to describe how uncontrollable life feels during this season. I don’t get much done during this season. I cannot come up with the energy to read, write, or cook. We eat our meals in front of the television instead of the dining room table. My wife seems really disconnected at times. I get angry with her because I feel like she’s dumping the kids on me when I get home. It’s not fair I know to expect her to be on twenty-four, seven. She is just as tired if not more than I am. Life just isn’t fair. I used to think that I needed to bring my life back into order/balance during this season of life.
I don’t think that way anymore. I realize now that trying to bring order to life all the time is not possible. Imagine if you will a beach. I don’t want the tide to come in and ruin my picnic so I begin build walls of sand to try and keep out the tide. The tide begins washing away these sand walls. Instead of seeing how fruitless the effect is, I begin blaming my family for the tide. The more the tide washes away the walls hold my family responsible for the problem. Then when the picnic is ruined it’s not my fault it’s my families.
I know this is how I work internally. I cannot stop myself sometimes even though I know I’m adding to the craziness. My wife asked me the other day if I need to speak to someone about my outbursts. I don’t know. I know that in time the tide will flow the other way. Life will be fun and exciting. But what happens when the tide comes back in? How will I deal with the return of this season of crazy? My wife loves to say, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.” The tide is come in now do I find a way to float the picnic or do I let it sink?
My wife is calling me to her side so that’s about all I have to say for now. Please leave me a comment and subscribe. How do you handle the crazy seasons in your life?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Speeding Ticket- Playing the Game of Life
Tonight was family game night at my castle on Caley. We played the Game of Life. A classic game that I always remember because I was more interested in the plastic landscape than the game. As we played the game, I found the random distribution of careers and salaries very ironic. My oldest son was the lowest paid at $20,000.00. His career pick was Police Officer. My youngest son got to be a teacher with a $90,000.00 salary. I am not sure what school district he worked for but I am assured it was not any public school here in Colorado.
I don't know why we get dealt the hand we get. God knows why. He seems to think that what he deals us will make us stronger or grow us in some way. I really hope that he's right. I am thinking about two particular cards that God dealt me, my son's. I find the mixture of there personalities and physical attributes strange at times. Take my youngest boy. He has had a high pain tolerance since birth. He burnt his hand when he was very young on a night light. We didn't know he'd done it until the church infant worker pointed out he had a blister on his hand. The kid had burnt his hand not felt the pain then crawled around on the blister without one tear. My youngest boy is short, stocky and great at just about any sport he tries. All these physical attributes add up to a real boys boy. That's what I thought. My biggest difficulty with my youngest son is he emotional sensitivity. He breaks down crying and weeping at the smallest insult. His sisters seem to get a kick out of reducing him to tears everyday it seems
I have to stop myself from hardening him though. I could do it. Too many fathers have been in my place before. They saw softness in their son's and couldn't reconcile that with the physical prowess they also saw. So, they hardened the boy through brutalities or insults or the withholding tenderness. I am not blaming anyone. I hate weakness in myself. I'll admit that. But I get to make that decision. I get to suffer my choice. If I impose that viewpoint on my young son will I not be crushing him like flower beneath my boot?
My second card is oldest son. If you don't follow my blog he is autistic. That is one of the greatest blows I have ever taken. I will freely admit that I spent years denying the facts of his autism. I was not the best dad at those times. I could even say that I was an emotional abuser. I couldn't understand why more punishment was not straightening out my son. Let me try and explain how I felt.
I was talking to a father at my son's school one day a year ago. We had daughters in the same kindergarten. We were talking about this and that when the topic of the special ed class came up. My oldest son had just been admitted into that class that year. I didn't share that fact with the gentleman I was talking too. It didn't seem important. We were talking about volunteering in classrooms. My companion was telling me how he'd been asked to help out in the special ed room. He stated he didn't like it much and asked the school not to be assigned it again. He told me, "I don't know why those kids get such special treatment. I could have those kids all straightened out in a few minutes if they'd just let me alone with them for a few minutes."
I know that some of you are horrified by that statement, but it's the reality that so many of us have to overcome. I had to overcome it. My son is autistic and nothing will change that. I accept that he will take more time, more energy, and more love than anyone else can give him. I have all those things. That's what God thinks. Some days God is right, and some days I think that God was wrong. But in the end it's not about the middle of the game that counts it's the end. Family game night showed me why.
My oldest, the under paid cop, ended up winning the game with the most money. Not because he made money at his career, but because he collected the most "Life tiles." A tile is a way of marking personal achievements. Another way of saying it is he won because the way he lived "Life" not because he worked the hardest. I want to win the game of life by the way I live it not because I worked the hardest.
My wife is calling me to her side so that's about all I have to say for now. Please subscribe and comment if you have something to tell me.
I don't know why we get dealt the hand we get. God knows why. He seems to think that what he deals us will make us stronger or grow us in some way. I really hope that he's right. I am thinking about two particular cards that God dealt me, my son's. I find the mixture of there personalities and physical attributes strange at times. Take my youngest boy. He has had a high pain tolerance since birth. He burnt his hand when he was very young on a night light. We didn't know he'd done it until the church infant worker pointed out he had a blister on his hand. The kid had burnt his hand not felt the pain then crawled around on the blister without one tear. My youngest boy is short, stocky and great at just about any sport he tries. All these physical attributes add up to a real boys boy. That's what I thought. My biggest difficulty with my youngest son is he emotional sensitivity. He breaks down crying and weeping at the smallest insult. His sisters seem to get a kick out of reducing him to tears everyday it seems
I have to stop myself from hardening him though. I could do it. Too many fathers have been in my place before. They saw softness in their son's and couldn't reconcile that with the physical prowess they also saw. So, they hardened the boy through brutalities or insults or the withholding tenderness. I am not blaming anyone. I hate weakness in myself. I'll admit that. But I get to make that decision. I get to suffer my choice. If I impose that viewpoint on my young son will I not be crushing him like flower beneath my boot?
My second card is oldest son. If you don't follow my blog he is autistic. That is one of the greatest blows I have ever taken. I will freely admit that I spent years denying the facts of his autism. I was not the best dad at those times. I could even say that I was an emotional abuser. I couldn't understand why more punishment was not straightening out my son. Let me try and explain how I felt.
I was talking to a father at my son's school one day a year ago. We had daughters in the same kindergarten. We were talking about this and that when the topic of the special ed class came up. My oldest son had just been admitted into that class that year. I didn't share that fact with the gentleman I was talking too. It didn't seem important. We were talking about volunteering in classrooms. My companion was telling me how he'd been asked to help out in the special ed room. He stated he didn't like it much and asked the school not to be assigned it again. He told me, "I don't know why those kids get such special treatment. I could have those kids all straightened out in a few minutes if they'd just let me alone with them for a few minutes."
I know that some of you are horrified by that statement, but it's the reality that so many of us have to overcome. I had to overcome it. My son is autistic and nothing will change that. I accept that he will take more time, more energy, and more love than anyone else can give him. I have all those things. That's what God thinks. Some days God is right, and some days I think that God was wrong. But in the end it's not about the middle of the game that counts it's the end. Family game night showed me why.
My oldest, the under paid cop, ended up winning the game with the most money. Not because he made money at his career, but because he collected the most "Life tiles." A tile is a way of marking personal achievements. Another way of saying it is he won because the way he lived "Life" not because he worked the hardest. I want to win the game of life by the way I live it not because I worked the hardest.
My wife is calling me to her side so that's about all I have to say for now. Please subscribe and comment if you have something to tell me.
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