What happens when you cannot find joy in it anymore?

"What happens when you cannot find joy in your past times anymore? That sounds more shallow than I'm intending. This weekend was my annual paintball weekend in east Colorado. I have been to this event for four years in a row. I have had fun almost every year but this one. I cannot say if it is the event itself, or the fact that I don't find pleasure in my past time anymore."

I wrote this statement down right after I had gotten back after a really unpleasing day of a weekend long scenario paintball game. I never published the comment for a reason that as of right now escape me. I think that I may have worried that someone close to me that helped me attend the scenario game would be offended by my lack of appreciation. Since that day, I have played paintball only one other time. I did have fun, but as always I played at a cost. Paintball is not a sport that I can share with anyone other than my friends who play paintball. My wife doesn't want to go out the games just to sit in the parking lot waiting for my to come off the field. My sons at this point are not old enough to participate, and I really don't think that I want my oldest son getting into paintball. He would be so damaged if he ever were to get hurt in a game. My son would also not really understand the paintball game and a real battle. That means paintball pulls me away or at least drives a wedge in between my and my family. It means I never feel that good after the game as I do when I'm going to the game.

The result of all the factors listed is that for a while I have been thinking about ending my paintballing pastime. I've separated myself for paintball before. When I was a senior in high school I sold all my paintball gear because I stopped hanging out with anyone who played paintball. It's no fun when your the only one of your friends still holding on to something everyone else has given up. I moved on and grew up. Through circumstances of life I began to play paintball again during my early married life. I spent a lot of money to get where I am today. I really don't think that I can say that very much of the money I spent was worthwhile.

So, now I am at the same crossroad that I was back in my senior year of high school. It feels a bit like I circled round this long loop in life, and now I'm stumbling back on to the territory that found myself in all those years ago. What really scares me this time is that it feels like I am going to give up on paintball forever. It sounds a bit melodramatic to say that I might never again play the sport, but I knew this day was coming. I knew for sometime now that there would be an end to my paintballing. I never wanted to be that old guy trying to keep up with kids my children's age. I knew that I would never wanted to play past a certain point in my life. I just didn't realize that point was coming a lot sooner than I thought. I've been in this territory before like I said. I am not coming back here again. This time I'm setting out for parts unknown planning to never loop back here again. And I am sad to say that statement.

No, I am not sad because I have to give paintball up. I'm sad because it's really the end of time in my life. The same statement can be said about many other turning points in life. You feel joy and nostalgia about the experience, but you are also sad that you not going back to the familiar. But things change and I would never trade experiences for youth any day.

Hard to put into words

The weekend seems to have passed by in a blink again. I have a couple of different takes on how the weekend went for me. Either it was a great end to a great week in which I made love to my wife nearly everyday, or this weekend was the culmination in one long frustrating week of battling with my oldest daughter over chores and basic morals. I am not sure which one of these two topics to take head-on. I have been sitting here for a couple of minutes trying to decide what to write about. I have been listening to my Pandora stations trying to let the music decide or at least set the mood. It was not working at all. So now I am just streaming my consciousness as best I can.

It's been bothering me for a while now the idea of writing a story on Google Docs program. I have been trying to decide if I trust Google enough not to steal from me. I know that I am not going to write the next great American novel but it bothers me that I am using a service for free and storing my creative work on their servers for free also. I have a strange feeling like somewhere in the millions of lines of legalize that I agreed to when I signed up with Google I gave away my every word and thought. It's stupid to think about these things part of me says. Because the reality is that I cannot afford to pay for any service anyways. Plus, what makes me think anyone is going to want to steal my ideas anyways?

So that is a small glimpse into my troubled mind. I let little things get to me without knowing how or why I should care about them.

Progession on the New Year

As I am nearing the end of the month it seems like a good time to check in with my yearly goals for this year. First goal, I have continued to keep a good schedule of doing a blog each week. I have to say that I am finding that the anticipation of writing each week gives me something to look forward to. I find that with a reminder each week I can think about what I want to write. I find myself saving ideas for stories as a part of the reminder. I don't know that my blogging has became more inspired. I never intended for this blog to be a literate blog. I am merely reflecting my ideas and thoughts. Sometimes there simple observations on life.

The second goal, I am really glad that I choose to try and not worry anymore. I really have to try to remind myself not to worry. Many times it is simple enough to tell myself, "Don't worry about it." I know that my stomach has been thanking me for the effort I have made to not worry. I really have a terrible stomach because of the stress that I have put myself through. I was living off antacids and prescription antacids. Recently, God pointed out to me that there are others who were able to eliminate worry about life. The Daily Bread devotional on 01/19/10 talked in part about how Paul lived without worry while in prison. (Click the title to go to the devotional entire.) The commentator talked about how Paul was, "content in Christ." That by being content in Christ Paul was able to live in prison without worry. But in turn, Paul was striving to improve his "spiritual progress." I can see how both goals work hand in hand. Relying on Christ means living a worry free life, but in order to live in that constant state free of worry one must strive to come closer to God. Letting God fulfil our needs by drawing ourselves closer to Him.

One final observation on living a worry free life. When you begin to live worry free you find yourself being more honest than you might have been in the past. Worry comes both from what you say and what you don't say to others. Dealing with them in honest means all the cards are on the table you've got nothing to hide from anyone so there is nothing to worry about.