Frat House Parenting

This weekend my lovely wife went out of town for a women's weekend retreat. I was left to care for my four beautiful children. I didn't know how to really prepare for this kind of weekend. I knew that it would be better not to get up tight over a change in the schedule.  It would be better to not expect to much.  I really didn't want to spend the whole weekend yelling or disciplining the kids. I have in the past put some thought into weekends like this.  I planned out the weekend with a list of events to go to or projects to do. I really like doing that because I feel like I have fun with the kids. 


This weekend the best I could do was to come up with the plan not to do to much. We have had a rough week recently. I had little to no energy going into this weekend. I didn't want to do anything at all but the kids are not old enough to look out for themselves. Case in point is my youngest daughter who is standing below on her side of her bedroom. My wife and I have tried to get her to clean up this side of the room many times this month. I even tried to bribe her this weekend. So far she still considers this clean.

After a few half hearted attempts to get the kids motivated to do anything other than sit around watching television all weekend, I decided I was parenting a fraternity. I was the housekeeper to some wild crazy frat.  Everywhere I turned I found pills of clothes, wrappers, and various other collections strewn about the house. I cleaned up what absolutely had to get cleaned up, but left the rest to wait till the party was over. I am not recommending this style for every parent. I know that my wife may not be happy with somethings when she gets home. I will end up cleaning it up in the end. It just helped to put the whole weekend into perspective. A fantasy to help me deal with the totality of the weekend.

I don't really have a good way to wrap this weekend up. I don't know that there is a theme other than the fact that sometimes we need to allow ourselves to just deal with what life gives us. I made lemonade with the lemons life was giving me. My wife finally returned home, and I am so glad that I don't have to go through life without her. I am so appreciative of the role she plays in my life and in the family. I hope to show her how much. 

Please comment on the ways you deal with difficult weekends and subscribe. Also, I will be sharing my mountain bike experiences again on a separate page on this blog in the header bar above.

It aint easy being a kid

The last few weeks since spring break have finished have been tough for my oldest son.  He is starting his transition into his home room more often than before.  This is preparation for middle school which is coming up next year.  He came home last night with a bad entry in his back and forth folder (daily teacher log).  Nothing of what the teacher wrote was bad.  I can understand why she was upset.  It's nearly the end of the year and she has a new student, essentially, who keeps blurting out random statements in order to get his classmates to start laughing.  Stuff that you would expect during the beginning of the year when you have time to let the student know what your expectations are. 

My wife and I spoke to my son about his behavior.  We tried to emphasize the idea that if he cannot make this transition into his home room he may not be ready for the middle school.  I hate telling him that but it's do or die time.  He will not have summer school this year cause the district cannot afford to send every special needs child.  I feel like such a shumk.  I don't feel like I am being a great dad to my son.  I feel like this overbearing boss man.  I don't want that way but my son really losses focus and needs to be brought back to task at hand.  I wish I could figure out a way to get through to him.  But that seems to be the real issue with being the parent of an autistic child.  Your always wishing your could get through the autism to your child who's just under the surface.  I am prayer that my wife and I can find ways to have fun with my oldest not just be his boss.

My wife is calling me to her side so that is all I have to say for now.  Please comment, subscribe, and let me know if you also struggle getting through to your kids.  What works for you?

Long Silence

It's been a while since my last post.  I have been living life.  I had a great winter season learning a lot about myself and my life.  I had time to work on making my marriage even better.  My family has made its home in a really great church, and I have been growing closer to God.  All that meant that I had to balance out my life.  I let my blogging go by the wayside.

I made some other online life changes.  I dropped Facebook.  I am not going to go through all the reasons now, but I was reminded that before Facebook I had a really life.  I cannot multitask.  Maybe some of you reading this can multitask but I'm not one.  Only focus on a few things you can do really well that's what I am trying to do.  I am still working on the few things I chose.  I hope that I can now fit this blog into that list.  I don't know how I will handle posting or how often, but I want to get back into the practice.  Hopefully, I can hear from those of you who read this blog.  I would love to hear your thoughts on this or any of the previous posts.

Well my wife is calling me to her side.  Please subscribe, and leave a comment about how you may have had to let something go or how your able to multitask your life.

In a Bit of a Daze

After wrecking my vehicle(click on the title to learn more), I have been in a bit of a daze.  I got really sick the same week that I had my wreck.  It was not pretty.  I used up the little sick time that I had saved up since my wife's surgery.  I imagine that I was a victim of my own stress that week.  I don't normally get a fever.  It's scary right now not having a second car.  Technically, I have my grandfathers 1979 Ford Ranchero to drive to and from work. 

It is a very low mileage vehicle even lower than my own vehicle.  I have driven this classic beauty for the last three summers in a row.  It's great to haul around my mountain bike, but it only is a two seater.  I am not sure what I am going to do about buying a second vehicle.  I got just a little bit of money for the wreck, and I got a little bit more back from taxes.  Combine this will be the start of either a down payment or buy a car with that money.  It's really up to God at this point.  That's a really scary idea.  I have been in this place before.  God came through for me that time.  I don't know why it's so scary this time around.  I guess that is why God tests our faith once and awhile.  I know that I don't learn the lesson the first time every time.

That's about all I have to say about that, if you have any thoughts please share them with me in a comment.

Rage Issues

The last few weekends have been a nightmare.  I have not been this close to losing it with my kids for a few years.  I don't know what the root cause of the strife is, but I suspect that it has more of a spiritual attack than any physical factor.  (There's a topic for next week.) The kids have not been listening to me or my wife.  We have been trying to clean my daughter's room for three weeks, now.  I was not proud of the rage that I felt.  I showed my kids a side of myself that I don't like.

Rage is hard to deal with properly.  Especially when you cannot seem to calm yourself down.  I have been surprised at myself and my rage.  I always thought that men with anger problems at home were alcoholics or at least non-believers.  I never thought that I could possibly have problems dealing with my own anger.  That's where it started.  I was not realistic with myself.  I look back now and can recall angry moments as young man.  I never dealt with this anger.  I either repressed it or shunted it out of my life.  I never dealt with anger.  Anger isn't something that can be ignored for very long.

It is incorrect (I feel) to think of anger as only evil.  There is righteous anger that we can see demonstrated in Jesus' clearing of the temple courtyard.  Anger at injustice has spurred on many brave men and women throughout history.  So, anger has it's place inside us men and women.  But how do we deal with the uncontrollable rage that wells up inside when the kids are pushing our buttons.  Part of it starts with dealing with anger before you get angry.  Don't think anger will never come.  Anger is a part of you from early in your life.  I recently had to deal with several repressed issues in my life, and I found that they were at the root of a lot of my anger.  So, dealing with your inner turmoil is part of it.  I also like the strategies that "Love and Logic" taught me.  They teach not to take statements from your kids personally and kept your tone of voice calm and even.  The end result is like being a rock in a stormy sea.  The kids rage and yell at you trying to get a rise out of you.  But you stay calm through voice control and certain phrases.  Don't let them impart their anger onto you. 

What happens when I get angry anyways?  That's the hard part.  I don't know that I am yet an expert on calming down when I get worked up.  Somethings that have helped me over these weekends are stepping back and expressing my feelings.  Stepping back is important when you need to get your blood pressure back under control.  I have had some really good calming sessions while driving to my local coffee shop this last weekend.  When I get calm I then tried that other strategy.  I expressed my feelings to my kids and my wife.  I asked for forgiveness when I had done wrong, but I also let the kids know when they had hurt my emotions.  I found that they responded to my openness.  They expressed their hurts as well.  I felt more understood by them.  I don't know that they were able to work better but they tried harder.  I am trying to deal with my anger without letting it get out of control.  That's the best I can ask for right now.

That's about all I have to say for now.  What's some strategies that you us to deal with your anger?  Is the anger in your life caused by issues from your past?  Or do you need to express your emotions to your loved ones and ask for forgiveness?  Leave a comment about it.

Juggling Masculinity

I was watching my oldest prince trying to learn how to juggle two oranges this evening before bedtime.  He would throw one orange way up into the air then try and transfer the other orange from one hand to other before trying to catch the falling orange.  Most of the time my prince would get the orange in hand shuffled without any trouble, but he often would miss the falling orange.  Sometimes it would have fallen too far, or it would bounce off his finger tips.  The whole time he is intently looking at himself in his closet mirror.

Watching him I was reminded of my conversation with my wife this evening while preparing dinner.  We were talking about the conflicting attributes of manhood.  I told my wife, "I am a husband, a father, a cop, and a man, and a Christian.  I have to juggle all those things at once."  Watching my oldest prince, I wonder how many attributes he will have to start "juggling" as he starts his journey toward manhood.  I am reading a book titled "Iron John" by Robert Bly.  It is a study on manhood through the Grimm's fairy tale of Iron John.  I have been really searching my masculinity probing it to better understand myself.  I am struck by how conflicted some of the parts of my manhood can be.  The father in me wants to teach, to protect my princes and princess' from life's pitfalls.  The husband in me wants to serve only my wife, and love her with all my being.  The man inside wants to bellow to the heavens and burns with a wild energy.  The cop in me wants to serve and protect the public.  The "Christian" (this is the American version not what the Bible really teaches) in me wants to hug puppies and judge others for their short comings.  I cannot possibly be everyone of those people at once.  I don't want to be some of those people any time.  On top of all those people, I have this lazy, cowardly, and hateful thing that wants to suck all the life out of my life.

I know that I am moving closer to the point when I can begin to understand when each attribute is needed.  Think of it like a set golf clubs you use a particular club for a particular golf shot.  My masculine attributes are only to be used in certain situations where they are needed.  Sometimes it may be that two or three attributes are needed at the same time, but right now the hardest thing to understand is how each attribute works and what are it's limitations.

What attributes do you juggle with?  How do they work?  And what are their limitations?  Let me know what you think.  Well that's about all I have to say about that, God help our nation's men.  We need to find our holy masculinity, again.

Pixelated Xmas Memories

Everyone is a Hero

It's been a great holiday season.  I don't normally feel this way at the end of the Thanksgiving to Christmas season.  I usually am the Grinchy one at the holiday party.  I am not a people person.  During the holidays, I have a (what seems un-ending) list of parties and charity events to attend.  I have gotten so overwhelmed I have trouble cooking a simple breakfast for my princes and princesses.  I should have figured out by now why I get so grumpy during holidays.  It's was only this year that I took an inward look at myself.  I asked God and myself why cannot I keep from the grumpy feelings. 


 I simply needed to recharge myself more often through quiet, alone time.  I took our dog for a walk this morning to the library.  It was fabulous.  I walked some of my frustrations out.  I really wish I had some cold weather bike gear.  I know that I would drain all my grumpy out on the trails. 

Youngest Prince at the Movies

Oldest Prince at the Movies

To continue, I had a good holiday.  I didn't really expect anything from any of my relatives this year.  I know that my expectations have caused me anguish in the past (I'm not proud to admit that).  I didn't expect anyone would get me much this year because of the economy.  My attitude really helped me focus of the givers rather than the gifts.  I was much happier that way.  I also really tried to put some thought into the gifts I gave this year.  When I really try to think about the person whom I giving the gift to I come up with more meaningful gifts.  This year's Christmas surely will stick out to in my memory.  I will end with some photos of my nephew at our big Christmas celebration.

That's all I have to say for now, God please bless us this year and next.

Manly Man?

What is it to be a man?  That's not an easy question to answer; I know that millions of men before me have tried to answer that question.  My friends and I are starting to read a book titled "Iron John: A book about Men" by Robert Bly.  We are meeting as a group of Christ believers, men, fathers, singles, and husbands.  I haven't even been able to start the book yet, but I have participated in the discussions.  I was struck by the need in the group for many of men to come to terms with their jobs.  I heard quite a few men agonize over some desk job that made them feel more a trapped than a fulfilled.  I didn't saying anything during this discussion because of my profession.  I am a cop.  I am living the dream of thousands of boys and men.  And yet, as a cop why do I feel less like a man so many times?  What's happening?

It's not something that I can really accurately describe to everyone.  I have learned how to shoot, drive, and fight over the past six years of my life.  Still, there are times when I am cowardly and to scared to get out of my own car.  Most of the time, I am oblivious to the danger that I face everyday.  I get numb to it.  There are other times in my career when I have just shut down with terror at the people I come into contact with.  Why is it that I live the ultimate man's job everyday, but I don't always feel like a man sometimes? 

I don't think that I have all the answers for this problem.  I know one thing that gives me courage.  Several times during my job I have stopped and prayed for various things.  A back bone, calm, and ideas have all been on my pray list.  I know that each time I pray I get what I need in some form.  So, one thing that makes me feel more like a man is not the guns or the cars but the faith that I wield.  But that can be fleeting if I don't stay God centered.  Another thing that I know gets me out of the car is my own stubbornness.  I am my own worst drill sergeant.  I talk myself into an idea or plan of action.  Often, I am presented with easier ways out.  I have to make the harder decisions because they are usually the right ones.

In the end, I don't think that any man can say that a career gives him the fulfillment he is looking for in life.  I know God gives me the most life I could ever handle.  Sometimes it's hard to live up to even courage that God gives.  It can be scary not to fear.  Other times you’re your only life coach.  You have to give yourself that inner motivation.  What makes you feel fulfilled in your life? 

Have a good week and may the Lord keep you safe.

Question of the Week #1

I want to ask you a question....

 In Romans 6:20-23 is reads, "When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. ²¹ What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! ²² But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. ²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (NIV)"  The part that was pointed out to me today was the phrase, "slaves of God."  The author of this passages is very clearly stating that even though we are free in God we are still His slaves.  In the West, we have very strong emotions connected to the term "slave."  There aren't many people that I know who would call themselves "slaves"

Do you think of yourself as a "slave of God?" And what comes to mind when you think of being a "slave of God?"  

Parenting Against my Nature

I am having been having a rough few weeks of being a parent this month.  My biggest problem is that my little angels are growing up.  Each of them is having a problem of some kind that altogether is draining my energy everyday.  My queen is feeling the same strain.  She has the hardest part which is that she has to live with the royal offspring almost twenty-four hours a day.  I don't envy her, but I also really appreciate what she does. 

Anyways, my youngest prince has been really having some huge temper fits.  He was one of the more easy going kids in the family until just recently.  I don't know what the change is about.  If he doesn't get the answer that he desires the first time he tumbles to the ground in a crying, screaming tantrum.  This is completely uncharacteristic for him.  My queen and I are completely at a loss to explain why he started this behavior.  My only idea is that he is displaying some kind of middle child thing.  He is the closet to middle that we have.  My youngest prince has to be feeling like his older brother gets most of my attention because of his autism.  I guess I am going to have to find a way to make my little prince feel special all by himself.  Simple right?  Here's hoping.

My oldest prince is doing better since we upped one of his medications.  I still haven't started the "talk" with him.  You may think it a little early at the age of ten, but with his autism I want to make sure that we get everything covered before real changes begin.  I have no idea what it will be like.  No one really knows.  My oldest prince's autism could have some effect on his puberty or none at all.  It's like playing Russian Roulette.  I have a fifty-fifty chance it will go off in my face.  Even though this sounds really depressing it is exciting to think that my children are getting older.  I would love it if I could have everything figured out before it changes just once.  I think that is part of the reason I parent with so much anger sometimes.  I am not good with change.  I like to get social situations figured out.  I don't like it when they change.  So, now I have to figure out how to parent despite my handicap.  I guess that is where God comes in.  God knows I need to fight myself, but he also gave me my kids for a reason.  I learn almost as much as I teach.  I learn to parent them and in turn God teaches them how to parent their own kids.  Wish me good luck. 
Happy Holidays and have a good week.

The Name Change

I wanted to let you all know that I have wanted to make this name change for quite a while.  I had tried to get feed back from the Net nobody gave me any ideas.  Anyways, the new name is great.  My queen helped me come up with it.  Enjoy!

Learning to be myself

 I am an avid listener to the Podcast "This I Believe."  I have mentioned in previous posts that I wish to submit an essay to the organization but cannot seem to come up with the right essay.  This weeks essay (which you can listen to by clicking on the title above) was about the life lessons that one man learned while hunting with his father.  I am not an avid hunter so I won't try and bore you with a post about what I might be missing by not hunting.  Instead, I immediately thought of the activities in my own life that I share with my children.

I share the activity of biking my oldest princess and my youngest prince.  I taught both of them to ride their bikes without training wheels within twenty-four hours.  It really was simple.  I was patient and kind with both of them as we worked through their fears and set backs.  I am not normally a patient man especially with my kids.  I am scary often overbearing.  So, it surprised me that I was able to get both my princess and prince from not even being able to balance on training wheels to a two hour journey a few weeks ago.  I am a different man on a bike.  I don't feel frustrations the same way as when I am on the ground.  I understand that I have limits, and I accept that not everyone will be able to ride at the same level.  I forgive myself.  I feel a bound stronger than steel with my kids when I am leading them down the road.

The challenge now is to find that same bounding activity with my oldest prince and youngest princess.  Each one of them presents separate challenges.  My oldest son is Autistic which makes him very unique.  He and I run on similar batteries but they aren't 100% compatible.  My youngest daughter is a fiery red head with spirit.  If you think this is sounds pat it's not.  She is exactly as described.  The challenge with her is merely age.  As young as she is now, I just need to take her the nearest 7-11 to get snacks and that is special to her.  I wonder what she will want to do when she's thirteen?  But isn't that the challenge?  As dad's we have to meet our kids half way in their lives to get to know them and conversely they get to know us.   They see use through our activities and we get to see them.  We just have to be open to trying out what brings our children joy.  Good Luck.

Lazy Saturday Ride

This Saturday my oldest princess, my youngest prince, and their friend came with me on a bike ride down the Lee Gulch trail here in Littleton.  We started out by making our lunches then packing up the hydration packs with water and food.  I had not even gotten dressed in my bike shorts when we ran into our first problem.  My princess' back tire was flat.  I had filled it up when doing my safety check of the kid’s bikes.  I didn't really have to more than five minutes and the tire was flat again.  Luckily, we had a secondary bike nearly the same size that would work.  I got dressed prepared my bike, and we were ready to go.  Not yet, once my princess' friend D showed up his chain was falling off.  No problem, the adjustable wrench worked its magic and off we rode.  We rode quickly through the streets getting on the trail.  Five minutes on the trail, D lost his chain again.  I made a quick repair with my chain tool removing a link from the chain.  I figured if the chain kept falling off it was either the wrong chain size or it had stretched out to much.

We finally got on the trail.  I didn't really know if I could keep everyone together on the ride.  My princess and D started out strong leading the way.  My prince struggled up the hills but did pretty good. We recently got him a bigger bike.  I am really glad since the larger tire size means he moves more easily.  D and my princess stayed in the lead till we got to the lunch spot.  I chose a bench near a lake on the trail.  D wanted to show us his secret hide out that lay near the lake in a grove of trees, but I asked him if we could locate it another day.  We got out the turkey sandwiches and trail mix.  My prince asked me if the lake was safe to swim in.  I looked out over the brown water, and I observed the half dozen ducks swimming in the mirror still water.  I told my prince that I really didn't think that it was safe water to swim in.  D chimed in saying that it was probably full of gross stuff.  Yep, ducks got to poop somewhere I pointed out.


Once everyone was fed we were back on the trail.  Everyone rode really well.  Our destination was a dirt jump park setup by the parks and rec.  D was great at keeping the other two going even after they started getting tired.  Both the prince and princess alone don't really have the motivation to make it as far as we were going but with D there he gave them a reason to keep going.  I was so proud of them.  We rode a lot faster than I thought we would.  We arrived at the jump park in little under forty minutes.  When we got there I took one look at the size of the jumps and thought this whole trip might have been a bad idea.  Personally, I look at the jumps and they don't really look all that big.  I am not saying that they are tiny by any means.  To give you some perspective to the size the largest jump is about as high as my shoulder (my height being 5'10").

Taking all the kids sizes into account, I thought they would be too intimidated by the jumps to try.  I was proved wrong right away when D just tore right down the hill toward the biggest jump.  He cleared it without any problem.  He then cleared three more jumps in a row.  My prince took his run next.  The prince like D went for the biggest jump.  To my relief he cleared the top, but then my heart skipped when he turned sharply to the right.  These are table top jumps so imagine a vertical dirt ramp up to a flat top then another steep ramp down the other side.  If one stays straight you'll clear it no problem but off to left or right the sides just drop straight off.  The prince turned sharp right on the top flat move his butt behind his seat and rode down the straight vertical side, pretty impressive for a six year old.  Then I got my turn at a run.  My princess was not going to have any of it, so she would just watch.  I made a couple of small jumps nothing to impressive.  I thought I should give the large jump a try since a six year old made it.  I tore down the hill right up to the jump.  I braked a little too much before hitting it so I was pedaling right up the face.  I cleared the top, though.  Great, I did what a six year old could now on to second jump.  I rolled off the top of the first and toward the second table top.  I don't remember if I had enough speed going into the second, but I can tell you I cleared the top.  Once my front tire cleared, I clearly remember questioning myself as to why I had turned my front slightly to the right.  Before I could answer though physics caught me.  My front tire hit the downward side of the second jump at a slight right angle.  I could see the tire in slow motion lose traction then continue on to right sliding sideways.  I hit hard on my left side taking most of fall in my shoulder and bicep.  God has blessed me with a great instinct on how to take a fall.  Ask my wife and she'll tell you about the time I got throw forward off a horse.

After freeing my foot from under the bike (luckily my feet popped out of the clips), I dusted off and tried again.  This time I didn't fall but I was starting to fell it in my back.  We rode home on the street to save time.  D had to get home on time his mother was taking him somewhere.  I was really happy on the trip home, and I hope that this is the start of a great family activity to share with friends.  To end I will leave you with the only injury I sustained from my fall.  Have a great week.

This Blog was Brought to you By the Committee for the Other Guy

When my fireplace began to fill up with all the political fliers that had been mailed to my house I began to wish we never had elections.  I even wish that we could elect our politicians to longer terms so that their political debates would not interrupt an episode of "The Good Guys" (my current favorite).  I am not a political moron.  I listen to the "Political Junkie" on "Talk of the Nation" whenever I can.  I just don't want to hear another junk ad on why Bennett shouldn't be re-elected.  I knew who was going to get my vote even before the year started.  What I didn't know was how I was going to vote for County Coroner or for Colorado University Board of Regents. 

I want to hear for those candidates.  I want to see a debate from candidate A and B about why they would be the best city councilman for my district.  Maybe in your city this kind of things happens.  But I doubt most of us know who's running for county sheriff unless we work closely with that agency.  These politicians have the most impact on me.  My state congressman or senator could vote to take away my job or do away with the funding for my patrol cars.  This year as I voted my Queen told me about the two candidates for county coroner.  The incumbent is a medical doctor with years of experience doing the job of a medical examiner.  His opponent is a politician without any medical credentials.  That would have been nice to learn in a debate or simply a get to know the candidate. 

I want to hear from the candidates that matter to me.  The ones who might examine my corpse when I die or the one who makes decisions on how many cars I can park in front of my house.  Let's hear from you guys and gals.  Let you candidacy by heard so that next time I have to vote between you or the name below you I don't have to flip a coin.

Letting go can take a few years

I have had to deal with a lot of difficult situation in my life such as: getting my queen pregnant before our wedding, having a son with autism, and being reprimanded for dereliction of duty.  I lived through these life experiences, but I have not always dealt with them on an emotion level in a timely manner.  It was years till I apologized to my queen for having sex before marriage.  My oldest son was in first grade before I would acknowledge that he had a problem and agree to the school testing him for services.  Finally, tonight on the car ride home my queen helped me realize that it's time to deal with one more life experience. 

About five years ago, I was working in the detention facility as a jail guard.  My queen was pregnant with our youngest, a daughter.  My queen was having a lot of health problems during this pregnancy.  She was hospitalized once with stroke like symptoms that were attributed to complications of a migraine headache.  My queen was also going through several emotional trials that made being alone with three very young kids difficult, next to impossible.  She would often call me at the jail in tears over the stress.  I started calling in sick on the Fridays and Saturdays the first two days of my shift.  My sergeant was not pleased.  I began to run through all the sick time I had available.  Soon, I was using sick time as soon as I earned it.  To cut it short, I was reprimand for calling in so much without a "legitimate" excuse.  Basically, I was told I was derelict in my duty at the jail by leaving other to cover my shift when we were short handed or so I was told (realistically we had plenty of guards).  I have often looked back and asked myself why I couldn't give them something that proved that my sick time was legitimate.  I cannot answer that question all I have to say is all the time I used was legitimate.  My queen was not doing well in her pregnancy and need my he

I have not been able to move past the reprimand go for all these years.  I am angry about it.  I know that I am angry as stated in my previous post.  I think part of that angry comes from my emotional issues around the reprimand and whether I felt it was legitimate.  I felt I had dealt with it, but really I only experienced it then tried to forget it.  I having been consciously and subconsciously driving myself not to make any mistakes or be absent from work.  It has been slowly killing me.  I cannot let it go.  There is nothing to do about it now.  I cannot change anything.  I need to let it go because after having been home for two weeks taking care of my queen I want to find myself.  I want to find the me that I was before all this.  I want to forgive me.  I am praying to God that He would help me let this go and forgive myself.

Been taking time to live Life

It's been a few months since my last post.  Life gets that way sometimes with me.  I think I'm going to stay with something for every and every, but instead I drop it the first few hours after life gets hard.  I shut down.  I want to come home just want to drop my daily problems off in my office and watch some TV.  My Queen and royal lineage get in the way of that plan, though.  Pretty soon, I am anger at my Queen and the royal lineage.  I'm not really anger at them, though.  I take it out on them for being right there in my way.  The thing that I am really angry at is life itself.  But what is life that I can take my frustrations out on it?  Life is me, right?  I am angry at myself. 

I used to just get really depressed when I was a teenager.  When life wasn't what I wanted I would pretend to be a tragic figure like a suicidal person.  Thing was I didn't really ever think about suicide.  That wasn't me, I needed to deal with my emotions.  I really just didn't have a way to explain the moods that came over me or the emotions that seemed to rule me. 

So, why am I angry at myself?  Is there an emotional blockage?  Probably, I have never been good with my own emotions.  It has gotten especially bad since I started working in law enforcement.  I don't work in a profession that gives you an emotional release.  Cops don't where there hearts on the outside.  Being a cop means controlling your emotions keeping them in check.  Why am I angry at myself and taking it out on my family? Because, I feel emotionally bottled up.  I don't know how to let off the pressure.

10 Things for 10 years of marriage

I had my ten year wedding anniversary at end of May. My wife and I sat down to write down ten things that we have learned in ten years of marriage. I didn't really get to thinking about how much an accomplishment ten years of marriage were. Until, I started thinking about some of my childhood friends. One friend has gotten two separate women pregnant without marrying either, another friend has been divorced at least twice, and the rest are working on at least their second marriages or recently single. So, maybe ten years is the exception not the rule anymore. Here is the list that we came up with:

How to Survive the First Ten Years

1. Honesty is the best quality- be honest about everything.
2. Shared hobbies are good, but separate hobbies are even better.
3. Don't move furniture together. Get your friends to help or hire someone you
don't want the headache.
4. If you want something done your way do it yourself.
5. Try to avoid interruptions to your lovemaking.
6. Make time for each other everyday. Just saying, "I love you" can be enough.
7. Spur each other on to greatness without nagging.
8. Expect that you will each change over time.
9. Dream together about life after kids.

10. BEWARE THE 7 YEAR ITCH.

If you have some more rules that got your marriage through ten years or more (even better). Please leave them as a comment, email, or Facebook comment.

Where is the Church?

"Now you get to be the Church where ever you go." That is a quote from my pastor that I wrote down in my Bible this morning. I was immediately intrigued by this quote, because I began think about all the frustration and anger that I had gone through while being the Men's Ministry leader at my old church. I had come into the position with a vision all my own. That vision quickly got over shadowed by the whims of others in the church. I never was able to get back to what I wanted out of the ministry.

But taking the previous quote to heart, I came to realize that God was whispering in my ear the beginnings of an idea. What if I could start my own men's ministry from home? What would be wrong with that? Why would I have to have endorsement of a church to start something so near and dear to my heart. The answer to all my questions is that I could get it done if I truly wanted to do it. I am confident God would bless the ministry. The hardest part now is getting from the idea stage to the doing stage. So many great ideas don't ever get to the doing stage because it is so much easier to dream. I hope that I can make my idea a reality though and be able to share the experience with others.

Living a Jesus Centered Life

This weekend my wife and I were discussing how we felt about our new church. I have enjoyed my experience at the church. I feel like myself with friends and relationships that make me feel alive. The church is unconventional as I have stated in previous posts. I find it a great challenge to my own spiritual life. Anyways, my wife has not had such an easy time getting used to church. She has told me that part of the reason that she finds it hard to be comfortable with open style of our church is that she has been doing "church" for so long.

This Sundays discussion was about living a more Jesus centered life. A life of relationship with Jesus not following all the rules of the "church." "Church" could also be inter-changed with "the law" as in the law of the old testament. Jesus and Paul told us that Jesus came to make a new covenant. One that would do away with the rules and regulations of "the law." Our pastor stated that Christianity was supposed to be the anti-religion. Jesus fulfilled all parts of the old testament "law" giving us access and a fresh start. My wife found the discussion very helpful.

So in the end, It comes down to something my wife said. That our church is all about relationship and that takes time and can be messy.

Being Asked to make the Leap

Yesterday, I listened to my pastor ask the congregation to consider giving more to the church. I feel that I should explain first that we are not a traditional church that works on tithes alone. The philosophy has been that we should give where we felt God was leading us to give. For my wife and I there were a few non-profits that we both liked to give too. Unfortunately, the money in our budget dried up. That's not a good way to put it but it's the truth. The first problem I have with what I just wrote is that I said the money "dried up" as if I only give when I have excess funds. But that's the truth. I gave only when I had the extra money. In the early years of my marriage we gave nothing at all because we couldn't seem to fit it into the budget. That didn't benefit us at all.

Back the main point, I heard the pastor asking us to consider giving even if we didn't have the money. I assure you that he was not trying to bleed us dry or con us out of hard earned money. Our pastor merely laid out the verses from the Bible that showed the tradition of tithe and the benefit God said he would shower on us for giving even when we couldn't. During the whole talk, I heard God speaking to me. I imagined myself walking the high wire balanced perfectly over the abyss of debt and bills. I heard God asking me to leap. I physically felt the rush of adrenaline flowing through my blood. I always hear it in my ears. It sounds like rushing wind mixed with the high pitched whine of a finely tuned engine.

Who knew that God could cause such a reaction in my just sitting in church? I take money seriously. I don't have a lot so I want it to go as far as I can. I am doing better at putting more toward the family and less toward the billing, but I don't have room to mess around. I know what God has asked me to do. He gave me some pretty good ideas how I could make my budget fit around the tithe. Now it is up to me to make the leap. It's really scary, but I know from experience that God will catch me.