Juggling Masculinity

I was watching my oldest prince trying to learn how to juggle two oranges this evening before bedtime.  He would throw one orange way up into the air then try and transfer the other orange from one hand to other before trying to catch the falling orange.  Most of the time my prince would get the orange in hand shuffled without any trouble, but he often would miss the falling orange.  Sometimes it would have fallen too far, or it would bounce off his finger tips.  The whole time he is intently looking at himself in his closet mirror.

Watching him I was reminded of my conversation with my wife this evening while preparing dinner.  We were talking about the conflicting attributes of manhood.  I told my wife, "I am a husband, a father, a cop, and a man, and a Christian.  I have to juggle all those things at once."  Watching my oldest prince, I wonder how many attributes he will have to start "juggling" as he starts his journey toward manhood.  I am reading a book titled "Iron John" by Robert Bly.  It is a study on manhood through the Grimm's fairy tale of Iron John.  I have been really searching my masculinity probing it to better understand myself.  I am struck by how conflicted some of the parts of my manhood can be.  The father in me wants to teach, to protect my princes and princess' from life's pitfalls.  The husband in me wants to serve only my wife, and love her with all my being.  The man inside wants to bellow to the heavens and burns with a wild energy.  The cop in me wants to serve and protect the public.  The "Christian" (this is the American version not what the Bible really teaches) in me wants to hug puppies and judge others for their short comings.  I cannot possibly be everyone of those people at once.  I don't want to be some of those people any time.  On top of all those people, I have this lazy, cowardly, and hateful thing that wants to suck all the life out of my life.

I know that I am moving closer to the point when I can begin to understand when each attribute is needed.  Think of it like a set golf clubs you use a particular club for a particular golf shot.  My masculine attributes are only to be used in certain situations where they are needed.  Sometimes it may be that two or three attributes are needed at the same time, but right now the hardest thing to understand is how each attribute works and what are it's limitations.

What attributes do you juggle with?  How do they work?  And what are their limitations?  Let me know what you think.  Well that's about all I have to say about that, God help our nation's men.  We need to find our holy masculinity, again.

Manly Man?

What is it to be a man?  That's not an easy question to answer; I know that millions of men before me have tried to answer that question.  My friends and I are starting to read a book titled "Iron John: A book about Men" by Robert Bly.  We are meeting as a group of Christ believers, men, fathers, singles, and husbands.  I haven't even been able to start the book yet, but I have participated in the discussions.  I was struck by the need in the group for many of men to come to terms with their jobs.  I heard quite a few men agonize over some desk job that made them feel more a trapped than a fulfilled.  I didn't saying anything during this discussion because of my profession.  I am a cop.  I am living the dream of thousands of boys and men.  And yet, as a cop why do I feel less like a man so many times?  What's happening?

It's not something that I can really accurately describe to everyone.  I have learned how to shoot, drive, and fight over the past six years of my life.  Still, there are times when I am cowardly and to scared to get out of my own car.  Most of the time, I am oblivious to the danger that I face everyday.  I get numb to it.  There are other times in my career when I have just shut down with terror at the people I come into contact with.  Why is it that I live the ultimate man's job everyday, but I don't always feel like a man sometimes? 

I don't think that I have all the answers for this problem.  I know one thing that gives me courage.  Several times during my job I have stopped and prayed for various things.  A back bone, calm, and ideas have all been on my pray list.  I know that each time I pray I get what I need in some form.  So, one thing that makes me feel more like a man is not the guns or the cars but the faith that I wield.  But that can be fleeting if I don't stay God centered.  Another thing that I know gets me out of the car is my own stubbornness.  I am my own worst drill sergeant.  I talk myself into an idea or plan of action.  Often, I am presented with easier ways out.  I have to make the harder decisions because they are usually the right ones.

In the end, I don't think that any man can say that a career gives him the fulfillment he is looking for in life.  I know God gives me the most life I could ever handle.  Sometimes it's hard to live up to even courage that God gives.  It can be scary not to fear.  Other times you’re your only life coach.  You have to give yourself that inner motivation.  What makes you feel fulfilled in your life? 

Have a good week and may the Lord keep you safe.