Glancing Back but Moving on

Most of us took a moment to think about where we were ten years ago today. I was at a men's breakfast bible study. I remember very little about the rest of the day other than trying to get ahold of my friend who was due to get of the Army that day. I remember talking to him on the phone about whether or not he'd be coming home or staying another couple years. That day will be forever with me but even now time has faded it just a little.

I was talking to my wife this morning about remembering. I told her that I would remember today but I didn't want to dwell on the tragedy. I wanted to get out with my kids and enjoy what is still my life in my country. I am not at all saying that we shouldn't morn. I have morned in my own way many times during this last week leading up to today. I just don't want to let anyone change who I am by making me fear or fail to move on.

The thought was repeated in my brain several times that we shouldn't leave the house for fear of something happening somewhere. But I didn't want to give into that thought. I wanted to stand up and say, "I am here still and I will live my life as an American without fear or shame."

My wife is calling me to her side so that's about all I have to say about that.  It's good to be back. I took a longer break from the blog than I intended.  Please comment and subscribe as always.

Conquering the Mountain

One of the reasons that I love mountain biking is constantly pushing myself toward new challenges.  I get to challenge a trail over and over again in order to conquer it.  I have been trying since early April to get to the top of Green Mountain.  Green Mountain is a treeless hill west of Lakewood that is an easy ride for my office.  This May I finally got to the top.

It's a challenge even to get to the mountain because of the climb over the I-70.  The flyover bridge I take is steady climb leading then to a gentle slope down.  I discovered that I didn't need to ride to the main western parking to catch a trail on to the mountain.  There is a concrete path that goes under C-470.  It leads straight to Box O' Rox trail.  The name Box O' Rox is a very accurate name for the trail.  It is a smooth trail at the base but becomes rocky near the top.

Climbing a mountain on a bike is not always fun.  I didn't start out riding Green Mountain for the fun of the climb.  I didn't think the climb was the best part of the ride.  I thought it was the down hill.  I watched videos all winter of the downhill mountain bike races.  I got hooked on the idea that downhill was mountain biking.  But the ride can changed my thinking as I got further up the mountain.  Someday, I would make it halfway up the hill.  Other days I would barely make a quarter of the climb.  It was frustrating at the worst times and at best times would make me feel alive. 

I was able to find a place where the ache of my muscles and the shortness of breath met my sense of victory.  I have heard it called a "Zen" moment.  I was in communion with all the universe just my own body.  To feel that way is enough for me to find peace.  God made my body to move and to be in tune with that feeling makes me feel in tune with God. 

Since I rode to the top I have moved on to other trails (which you will hear about soon).  I cannot always find my peace with every ride.  I know that like everything in life I will be disappointed at times. I also know that there will be those times when I get closer God.  I look forward to those times to come.

A view from the top of Green Mountain

Winding Roads

This is my one hundredth post.  It’s a small accomplishment but I want to savor it since it is a pretty great personal mile stone.  I had a one point thought myself a writer, but then lost track of that dream for a time.  I got back to writing again in this blog as a way to “air out some things that are brewing in my brain.”  Since the time that I wrote my first post life has been a series of winding roads.  I have seen my dreams realized and sometimes discarded.  God provided in amazing ways.  What surprised me over and over again was the way that God gave me the desires of my heart.  Things that I never even prayed for, but every time I got what I desired I wasn’t really satisfied by those things.  

The desires of my heart were never really for the really important things in my life such as my wife and kids.  I love them so much.  They drive me crazy sometimes.  Seasons of my life with them have been tough (like right now).  I have had to eat crow many times, and I will never get used to having to admit that I was wrong.  God knows all these things about me.

If there is one thing that I wish could be said about me from the first post of this blog till now it is, “He followed God’s plan for his life.”  I am often trying to run my life on my own terms.  Men tend to do that. We don’t even have to think about it.  I get so caught up in the day to day running of my life that I often miss the callings of God.  The little voice during times of trouble or times of ease telling me to let God take command.  I can think of a thousand times when I nearly drove myself into a panic trying to run my life.  I tried to solve my own problems and get out of my own troubles.  


Right now, God is got me in season of life to teach me to let him run my life.  I don’t know if I have a choice this time.  God seems very serious about closing off my life from me.  With car wrecks, mental health issues, and other challenges, God is going to get through to me.  I need to learn what HE’s teaching me.  

My wife is calling me to her side so that’s about all I have to say about that.  I hope to have another one hundred posts to celebrate sooner rather than later.  Please comment and then subscribe.

Speeding Ticket- Playing the Game of Life

Tonight was family game night at my castle on Caley.  We played the Game of Life.  A classic game that I always remember because I was more interested in the plastic landscape than the game.  As we played the game, I found the random distribution of careers and salaries very ironic.  My oldest son was the lowest paid at $20,000.00.  His career pick was Police Officer.  My youngest son got to be a teacher with a $90,000.00 salary.  I am not sure what school district he worked for but I am assured it was not any public school here in Colorado. 

I don't know why we get dealt the hand we get.  God knows why.  He seems to think that what he deals us will make us stronger or grow us in some way.  I really hope that he's right.  I am thinking about two particular cards that God dealt me, my son's.  I find the mixture of there personalities and physical attributes strange at times.  Take my youngest boy.  He has had a high pain tolerance since birth.  He burnt his hand when he was very young on a night light.  We didn't know he'd done it until the church infant worker pointed out he had a blister on his hand.  The kid had burnt his hand not felt the pain then crawled around on the blister without one tear.  My youngest boy is short, stocky and great at just about any sport he tries.  All these physical attributes add up to a real boys boy.  That's what I thought.  My biggest difficulty with my youngest son is he emotional sensitivity.  He breaks down crying and weeping at the smallest insult.  His sisters seem to get a kick out of reducing him to tears everyday it seems

I have to stop myself from hardening him though.  I could do it.  Too many fathers have been in my place before.  They saw softness in their son's and couldn't reconcile that with the physical prowess they also saw.  So, they hardened the boy through brutalities or insults or the withholding tenderness.  I am not blaming anyone.  I hate weakness in myself.  I'll admit that.  But I get to make that decision.  I get to suffer my choice.  If I impose that viewpoint on my young son will I not be crushing him like flower beneath my boot? 

My second card is oldest son. If you don't follow my blog he is autistic.  That is one of the greatest blows I have ever taken.  I will freely admit that I spent years denying the facts of his autism.  I was not the best dad at those times.  I could even say that I was an emotional abuser.  I couldn't understand why more punishment was not straightening out my son.  Let me try and explain how I felt.

I was talking to a father at my son's school one day a year ago.  We had daughters in the same kindergarten.  We were talking about this and that when the topic of the special ed class came up.  My oldest son had just been admitted into that class that year.  I didn't share that fact with the gentleman I was talking too.  It didn't seem important.  We were talking about volunteering in classrooms.  My companion was telling me how he'd been asked to help out in the special ed room.  He stated he didn't like it much and asked the school not to be assigned it again.  He told me, "I don't know why those kids get such special treatment.  I could have those kids all straightened out in a few minutes if they'd just let me alone with them for a few minutes."

I know that some of you are horrified by that statement, but it's the reality that so many of us have to overcome.  I had to overcome it.  My son is autistic and nothing will change that.  I accept that he will take more time, more energy, and more love than anyone else can give him.  I have all those things.  That's what God thinks.  Some days God is right, and some days I think that God was wrong.  But in the end it's not about the middle of the game that counts it's the end.  Family game night showed me why.

My oldest, the under paid cop, ended up winning the game with the most money.  Not because he made money at his career, but because he collected the most "Life tiles."  A tile is a way of marking personal achievements.  Another way of saying it is he won because the way he lived "Life" not because he worked the hardest.  I want to win the game of life by the way I live it not because I worked the hardest.

My wife is calling me to her side so that's about all I have to say for now.  Please subscribe and comment if you have something to tell me.

In a Bit of a Daze

After wrecking my vehicle(click on the title to learn more), I have been in a bit of a daze.  I got really sick the same week that I had my wreck.  It was not pretty.  I used up the little sick time that I had saved up since my wife's surgery.  I imagine that I was a victim of my own stress that week.  I don't normally get a fever.  It's scary right now not having a second car.  Technically, I have my grandfathers 1979 Ford Ranchero to drive to and from work. 

It is a very low mileage vehicle even lower than my own vehicle.  I have driven this classic beauty for the last three summers in a row.  It's great to haul around my mountain bike, but it only is a two seater.  I am not sure what I am going to do about buying a second vehicle.  I got just a little bit of money for the wreck, and I got a little bit more back from taxes.  Combine this will be the start of either a down payment or buy a car with that money.  It's really up to God at this point.  That's a really scary idea.  I have been in this place before.  God came through for me that time.  I don't know why it's so scary this time around.  I guess that is why God tests our faith once and awhile.  I know that I don't learn the lesson the first time every time.

That's about all I have to say about that, if you have any thoughts please share them with me in a comment.

Broken Trees

I have always been a believer in God speaking through all kinds of events especially when your in need of it.  The problem is being open to God’s voice when he’s speaking to you.  This morning I wasn’t looking for God to speak his words of encouragement to me.  In my last post, I spoke to you about the rage that I have been dealing with.  Part of the has to do with being a parent to a child with a disability.  My oldest son is autistic specifically diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.  He can be a handful even at the best of times.  When you throw in three other children life becomes overwhelming very quickly.  I am not sure why God gave me this particular mix of kids.  Until this morning, I would have told you that it was my burden to bare.  

What I heard this morning was that I was given my kids so that I can see the greatness of God.  I get to experience it first hand.  And sometimes I am going to say, “I’m out. I’m done.”  Even in those times Gods still teaching me something through me kids especially my oldest son.  He has a love for the smallest and least of the world.  Why is it that those we call “broken” can give to those poorer themselves without a thought?  We who are “whole” have to be dragged kicking and screaming to spare a few cents for someone.  I cannot say that I know the answer.  What I know is that I’m not being “punished” or “burdened” by my son.  God gave him to me as his greatest blessing.  This is my talent.  I could bury it in the sand hoping to just get by without losing him.  Or I could invest in him.  I can see just how far he and I can go before the end.  I once thought that I was destined to be pastor.  I always thought that pastoring is how I would serve God’s kingdom.  I never thought that my service would be to my family.  I am finding that God gave me more than anyone could ever ask for in my family.  Mine is a flock bigger than any mega-church or temple.  I am truly ashamed to think of the ways that I have wasted my gift at times.  

I wasn’t sure how God was going to get me back on track after the rage of these past weeks.  I have fallen down before and crawled back before.  God knew what I needed this morning was to hear that he gave me great blessings and raising them will not be easy.  But in the end I will hopefully get to see them in their transformed bodies whole and glorious.  I know that’s what I heard.  I know that I am not alone either as evidenced by the hug my wife and I received from my relatives.  God was in on that hug, too.    

That’s all I have to say for this week.  Are you living with “broken” blessing?  How’s it going?  Are you ready to give up?  Leave me a comment with your thoughts.

Juggling Masculinity

I was watching my oldest prince trying to learn how to juggle two oranges this evening before bedtime.  He would throw one orange way up into the air then try and transfer the other orange from one hand to other before trying to catch the falling orange.  Most of the time my prince would get the orange in hand shuffled without any trouble, but he often would miss the falling orange.  Sometimes it would have fallen too far, or it would bounce off his finger tips.  The whole time he is intently looking at himself in his closet mirror.

Watching him I was reminded of my conversation with my wife this evening while preparing dinner.  We were talking about the conflicting attributes of manhood.  I told my wife, "I am a husband, a father, a cop, and a man, and a Christian.  I have to juggle all those things at once."  Watching my oldest prince, I wonder how many attributes he will have to start "juggling" as he starts his journey toward manhood.  I am reading a book titled "Iron John" by Robert Bly.  It is a study on manhood through the Grimm's fairy tale of Iron John.  I have been really searching my masculinity probing it to better understand myself.  I am struck by how conflicted some of the parts of my manhood can be.  The father in me wants to teach, to protect my princes and princess' from life's pitfalls.  The husband in me wants to serve only my wife, and love her with all my being.  The man inside wants to bellow to the heavens and burns with a wild energy.  The cop in me wants to serve and protect the public.  The "Christian" (this is the American version not what the Bible really teaches) in me wants to hug puppies and judge others for their short comings.  I cannot possibly be everyone of those people at once.  I don't want to be some of those people any time.  On top of all those people, I have this lazy, cowardly, and hateful thing that wants to suck all the life out of my life.

I know that I am moving closer to the point when I can begin to understand when each attribute is needed.  Think of it like a set golf clubs you use a particular club for a particular golf shot.  My masculine attributes are only to be used in certain situations where they are needed.  Sometimes it may be that two or three attributes are needed at the same time, but right now the hardest thing to understand is how each attribute works and what are it's limitations.

What attributes do you juggle with?  How do they work?  And what are their limitations?  Let me know what you think.  Well that's about all I have to say about that, God help our nation's men.  We need to find our holy masculinity, again.

New Bar Set High

Happy New Year!!  I am ready to meet this new year.  I am glad coming out of one of the best holiday seasons of my life.  I have been thinking about what is going to define me this year.  Last year, I made two commitments.  The first was that I would blog on a weekly basis.  I have to say that I pretty much succeeded in that goal.  If you have been following me you would have seen a new post from me every Sunday.  I didn't get every week but eighty to ninety percent is good enough for me.  As for my second goal, I determined to live a worry free life.  I don't know if I could say that I was successful in this goal, but I feel better about my life now than I did one year ago.  It took many battles and a lot of soul searching to get here but I feel less worried than before.  I stumble a lot though.  I still don't feel good about money, and I don't always parent the best way I can.

That brings me to the new goal that I will be setting for myself.  I will continue to blog.  I will now add to my weekly schedule taking one of my children out each week.  I don't really think that I can take them out to dinner, yet.  I plan to take them to library or get kids cones at the ice cream store.  I have been really thinking about who I am as a parent and a man.  I want to make an impact with my family.  I want to be a father to my kids.  I wanted to start ministering to others in my life, and I realized that my kids fall into that category.  They are more important though since God gave me them as an investment.  He wants to see a return for his trust in me.  I want to make sure when it's all done I can say that I made the effort to expand his investment even if I failed. 

That's about all I have to say for now.  God go before us all this year help us grow and heal each other.

Pixelated Xmas Memories

Everyone is a Hero

It's been a great holiday season.  I don't normally feel this way at the end of the Thanksgiving to Christmas season.  I usually am the Grinchy one at the holiday party.  I am not a people person.  During the holidays, I have a (what seems un-ending) list of parties and charity events to attend.  I have gotten so overwhelmed I have trouble cooking a simple breakfast for my princes and princesses.  I should have figured out by now why I get so grumpy during holidays.  It's was only this year that I took an inward look at myself.  I asked God and myself why cannot I keep from the grumpy feelings. 


 I simply needed to recharge myself more often through quiet, alone time.  I took our dog for a walk this morning to the library.  It was fabulous.  I walked some of my frustrations out.  I really wish I had some cold weather bike gear.  I know that I would drain all my grumpy out on the trails. 

Youngest Prince at the Movies

Oldest Prince at the Movies

To continue, I had a good holiday.  I didn't really expect anything from any of my relatives this year.  I know that my expectations have caused me anguish in the past (I'm not proud to admit that).  I didn't expect anyone would get me much this year because of the economy.  My attitude really helped me focus of the givers rather than the gifts.  I was much happier that way.  I also really tried to put some thought into the gifts I gave this year.  When I really try to think about the person whom I giving the gift to I come up with more meaningful gifts.  This year's Christmas surely will stick out to in my memory.  I will end with some photos of my nephew at our big Christmas celebration.

That's all I have to say for now, God please bless us this year and next.

Dream Interpretation

This was something that I wrote down after really having this dream.  As with all dream ideas, they sound great in morning but after that you cannot get the same feeling out of them that you had when it was a dream.

I dreamed that a dying millionaire gave me his fortune just before he died.  I knew that if I kept the money I would never have peace again.  People would always be bugging for the money.  I knew what I needed to do was give away the money.  I set up trust founds for my kids, my nieces and nephew, and for some friends kids.  I also donated millions to the medical fund for some family friends.  I created a scholarship for Camp Elim and paid for the land construction.  I also rebuilt the camp lodge.  I think the dream is about what Jesus dead for and gave us.  In Matthew 28:18-20 Jesus said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  The dream is about all the things I am meant to do with the inheritances Jesus gave me to use in this world.

That's all I have to say for now, God be with us throughout this week.

Manly Man?

What is it to be a man?  That's not an easy question to answer; I know that millions of men before me have tried to answer that question.  My friends and I are starting to read a book titled "Iron John: A book about Men" by Robert Bly.  We are meeting as a group of Christ believers, men, fathers, singles, and husbands.  I haven't even been able to start the book yet, but I have participated in the discussions.  I was struck by the need in the group for many of men to come to terms with their jobs.  I heard quite a few men agonize over some desk job that made them feel more a trapped than a fulfilled.  I didn't saying anything during this discussion because of my profession.  I am a cop.  I am living the dream of thousands of boys and men.  And yet, as a cop why do I feel less like a man so many times?  What's happening?

It's not something that I can really accurately describe to everyone.  I have learned how to shoot, drive, and fight over the past six years of my life.  Still, there are times when I am cowardly and to scared to get out of my own car.  Most of the time, I am oblivious to the danger that I face everyday.  I get numb to it.  There are other times in my career when I have just shut down with terror at the people I come into contact with.  Why is it that I live the ultimate man's job everyday, but I don't always feel like a man sometimes? 

I don't think that I have all the answers for this problem.  I know one thing that gives me courage.  Several times during my job I have stopped and prayed for various things.  A back bone, calm, and ideas have all been on my pray list.  I know that each time I pray I get what I need in some form.  So, one thing that makes me feel more like a man is not the guns or the cars but the faith that I wield.  But that can be fleeting if I don't stay God centered.  Another thing that I know gets me out of the car is my own stubbornness.  I am my own worst drill sergeant.  I talk myself into an idea or plan of action.  Often, I am presented with easier ways out.  I have to make the harder decisions because they are usually the right ones.

In the end, I don't think that any man can say that a career gives him the fulfillment he is looking for in life.  I know God gives me the most life I could ever handle.  Sometimes it's hard to live up to even courage that God gives.  It can be scary not to fear.  Other times you’re your only life coach.  You have to give yourself that inner motivation.  What makes you feel fulfilled in your life? 

Have a good week and may the Lord keep you safe.

Parenting Against my Nature

I am having been having a rough few weeks of being a parent this month.  My biggest problem is that my little angels are growing up.  Each of them is having a problem of some kind that altogether is draining my energy everyday.  My queen is feeling the same strain.  She has the hardest part which is that she has to live with the royal offspring almost twenty-four hours a day.  I don't envy her, but I also really appreciate what she does. 

Anyways, my youngest prince has been really having some huge temper fits.  He was one of the more easy going kids in the family until just recently.  I don't know what the change is about.  If he doesn't get the answer that he desires the first time he tumbles to the ground in a crying, screaming tantrum.  This is completely uncharacteristic for him.  My queen and I are completely at a loss to explain why he started this behavior.  My only idea is that he is displaying some kind of middle child thing.  He is the closet to middle that we have.  My youngest prince has to be feeling like his older brother gets most of my attention because of his autism.  I guess I am going to have to find a way to make my little prince feel special all by himself.  Simple right?  Here's hoping.

My oldest prince is doing better since we upped one of his medications.  I still haven't started the "talk" with him.  You may think it a little early at the age of ten, but with his autism I want to make sure that we get everything covered before real changes begin.  I have no idea what it will be like.  No one really knows.  My oldest prince's autism could have some effect on his puberty or none at all.  It's like playing Russian Roulette.  I have a fifty-fifty chance it will go off in my face.  Even though this sounds really depressing it is exciting to think that my children are getting older.  I would love it if I could have everything figured out before it changes just once.  I think that is part of the reason I parent with so much anger sometimes.  I am not good with change.  I like to get social situations figured out.  I don't like it when they change.  So, now I have to figure out how to parent despite my handicap.  I guess that is where God comes in.  God knows I need to fight myself, but he also gave me my kids for a reason.  I learn almost as much as I teach.  I learn to parent them and in turn God teaches them how to parent their own kids.  Wish me good luck. 
Happy Holidays and have a good week.

Letting go can take a few years

I have had to deal with a lot of difficult situation in my life such as: getting my queen pregnant before our wedding, having a son with autism, and being reprimanded for dereliction of duty.  I lived through these life experiences, but I have not always dealt with them on an emotion level in a timely manner.  It was years till I apologized to my queen for having sex before marriage.  My oldest son was in first grade before I would acknowledge that he had a problem and agree to the school testing him for services.  Finally, tonight on the car ride home my queen helped me realize that it's time to deal with one more life experience. 

About five years ago, I was working in the detention facility as a jail guard.  My queen was pregnant with our youngest, a daughter.  My queen was having a lot of health problems during this pregnancy.  She was hospitalized once with stroke like symptoms that were attributed to complications of a migraine headache.  My queen was also going through several emotional trials that made being alone with three very young kids difficult, next to impossible.  She would often call me at the jail in tears over the stress.  I started calling in sick on the Fridays and Saturdays the first two days of my shift.  My sergeant was not pleased.  I began to run through all the sick time I had available.  Soon, I was using sick time as soon as I earned it.  To cut it short, I was reprimand for calling in so much without a "legitimate" excuse.  Basically, I was told I was derelict in my duty at the jail by leaving other to cover my shift when we were short handed or so I was told (realistically we had plenty of guards).  I have often looked back and asked myself why I couldn't give them something that proved that my sick time was legitimate.  I cannot answer that question all I have to say is all the time I used was legitimate.  My queen was not doing well in her pregnancy and need my he

I have not been able to move past the reprimand go for all these years.  I am angry about it.  I know that I am angry as stated in my previous post.  I think part of that angry comes from my emotional issues around the reprimand and whether I felt it was legitimate.  I felt I had dealt with it, but really I only experienced it then tried to forget it.  I having been consciously and subconsciously driving myself not to make any mistakes or be absent from work.  It has been slowly killing me.  I cannot let it go.  There is nothing to do about it now.  I cannot change anything.  I need to let it go because after having been home for two weeks taking care of my queen I want to find myself.  I want to find the me that I was before all this.  I want to forgive me.  I am praying to God that He would help me let this go and forgive myself.

Where is the Church?

"Now you get to be the Church where ever you go." That is a quote from my pastor that I wrote down in my Bible this morning. I was immediately intrigued by this quote, because I began think about all the frustration and anger that I had gone through while being the Men's Ministry leader at my old church. I had come into the position with a vision all my own. That vision quickly got over shadowed by the whims of others in the church. I never was able to get back to what I wanted out of the ministry.

But taking the previous quote to heart, I came to realize that God was whispering in my ear the beginnings of an idea. What if I could start my own men's ministry from home? What would be wrong with that? Why would I have to have endorsement of a church to start something so near and dear to my heart. The answer to all my questions is that I could get it done if I truly wanted to do it. I am confident God would bless the ministry. The hardest part now is getting from the idea stage to the doing stage. So many great ideas don't ever get to the doing stage because it is so much easier to dream. I hope that I can make my idea a reality though and be able to share the experience with others.

Being Asked to make the Leap

Yesterday, I listened to my pastor ask the congregation to consider giving more to the church. I feel that I should explain first that we are not a traditional church that works on tithes alone. The philosophy has been that we should give where we felt God was leading us to give. For my wife and I there were a few non-profits that we both liked to give too. Unfortunately, the money in our budget dried up. That's not a good way to put it but it's the truth. The first problem I have with what I just wrote is that I said the money "dried up" as if I only give when I have excess funds. But that's the truth. I gave only when I had the extra money. In the early years of my marriage we gave nothing at all because we couldn't seem to fit it into the budget. That didn't benefit us at all.

Back the main point, I heard the pastor asking us to consider giving even if we didn't have the money. I assure you that he was not trying to bleed us dry or con us out of hard earned money. Our pastor merely laid out the verses from the Bible that showed the tradition of tithe and the benefit God said he would shower on us for giving even when we couldn't. During the whole talk, I heard God speaking to me. I imagined myself walking the high wire balanced perfectly over the abyss of debt and bills. I heard God asking me to leap. I physically felt the rush of adrenaline flowing through my blood. I always hear it in my ears. It sounds like rushing wind mixed with the high pitched whine of a finely tuned engine.

Who knew that God could cause such a reaction in my just sitting in church? I take money seriously. I don't have a lot so I want it to go as far as I can. I am doing better at putting more toward the family and less toward the billing, but I don't have room to mess around. I know what God has asked me to do. He gave me some pretty good ideas how I could make my budget fit around the tithe. Now it is up to me to make the leap. It's really scary, but I know from experience that God will catch me.

The Monster and other things

Things have changed a lot here at the house. We finally got the service/companion dog that we have been waiting on for my oldest son. It is not the same dog that I blogged about months ago, but that is another story for later. My son's dog is named Monster. Which is appropriate since he is a large Saint Bernard. He is great and he seems to be my buddy currently. Monster has attached himself to me which I love since I have always wanted to have my own dog. I know that the dog is for my oldest son and that is fine. My son is not ready to handle the dog yet but it will come with time. If Monster listens to me and my wife we can at least be assured that he will be well behaved and not drive us crazy.

I also listened to a great interview with Reverend Desmond Tutu. I loved listening to him talk about God. The thing that struck me the most was the way describe being silent in front of God. When asked about how he felt about God Reverend Tutu said, "I am learning to shut up more in the presence of God," he says, laughing. One model of prayer, he acknowledges, is that "you have a kind of shopping list that you bring to God" — and even Desmond Tutu confesses that "I still do."

But more and more for him, he says, communion with God is about "trying to grow, in just being there."

"Like when you sit in front of a fire in winter — you are just there in front of the fire," he says. "You don't have to be smart or anything. The fire warms you."
I enjoyed hearing it for this great man. I have never been able to put into words the way I felt about God.

Progession on the New Year

As I am nearing the end of the month it seems like a good time to check in with my yearly goals for this year. First goal, I have continued to keep a good schedule of doing a blog each week. I have to say that I am finding that the anticipation of writing each week gives me something to look forward to. I find that with a reminder each week I can think about what I want to write. I find myself saving ideas for stories as a part of the reminder. I don't know that my blogging has became more inspired. I never intended for this blog to be a literate blog. I am merely reflecting my ideas and thoughts. Sometimes there simple observations on life.

The second goal, I am really glad that I choose to try and not worry anymore. I really have to try to remind myself not to worry. Many times it is simple enough to tell myself, "Don't worry about it." I know that my stomach has been thanking me for the effort I have made to not worry. I really have a terrible stomach because of the stress that I have put myself through. I was living off antacids and prescription antacids. Recently, God pointed out to me that there are others who were able to eliminate worry about life. The Daily Bread devotional on 01/19/10 talked in part about how Paul lived without worry while in prison. (Click the title to go to the devotional entire.) The commentator talked about how Paul was, "content in Christ." That by being content in Christ Paul was able to live in prison without worry. But in turn, Paul was striving to improve his "spiritual progress." I can see how both goals work hand in hand. Relying on Christ means living a worry free life, but in order to live in that constant state free of worry one must strive to come closer to God. Letting God fulfil our needs by drawing ourselves closer to Him.

One final observation on living a worry free life. When you begin to live worry free you find yourself being more honest than you might have been in the past. Worry comes both from what you say and what you don't say to others. Dealing with them in honest means all the cards are on the table you've got nothing to hide from anyone so there is nothing to worry about.

The Bar Set High- A worry free life

I had originally wanted to write this blog on a NPR interview that I heard near the end of 2009. The blog idea was that I took issue with the idea of "the Dude" from the Big Lebowski as a Christ figure. You can follow this link above and decide for yourself. I think that we too often let the Christ figures in life be "good" men and not "perfect" like Christ truly was in his lifetime. But that is not the point of this blog.

In church today, we spoke of the things that we get when we live the life of the new covenant. One concept that was brought up that spoke to me was the idea that we are free from worry. The Lord knows that I struggle with worry. I have had times of near insanity worrying over the finances of my family. I struggle still to look at the numbers and believe that I am not one cent away from total destitution. But in the new year we try new ways of life. So to that end, I want to live a life free from worry. This doesn't mean that I will not plan or budget. It means living outside the numbers. Experience should have taught me by now that the numbers never add up with God. God can work in everything for his good. Example: My family recently landed free hockey tickets this week. Tickets that are way outside our budget, but still God wanted to give us this gift. With that example lifting my spirits here is to a year lived free from worry. Time for you to think about what your living for in 2010.

Dream

I just had a dream last night that had some significant spiritual tones to it. I know part of what the dream meant but now I am in need of an interpretation of what to do next. My wife suggests that I should put out there that I am looking for someone to help me interpret but not give away the story of the dream. Much like the story of Joseph I am seeking someone who could tell me what my dreams was and then tell me what it means. It is kind of scary living out something I have only read about in the Bible but the dream was that kind of dream. I really want someone to tell me what it all means. Has God giving you a message meant for me?

I am the Student

For those who follow Our Daily Bread, the November 2nd devotional really woke me up to some truths about my life. I am always struck by the way that God has been shaping and molding my life. It is not that I disagree with the way my life has progressed, but I am always weighing the possibilities. Some ideas seem better than others, or a job might be more attractive than another. But, I am always so worried about the future as though it were something that I were able to craft. Not giving thought to the idea that God is crafting my life. I may think I am making the choices but it is God who has the final say.

The passage on November 2nd talked about being a student of the Lord. I am learning what He has to teach me everyday. God gives me problems and tests to build on the work we have done in the past. It is humbling to think that my life can so simply be summed up in the image of student and teacher. Now that I have this metaphor before me, can I use it to be a real student of His teaching? Can I find the humility inside myself to listen to the Teacher. And as ever "Make my steps steady through Your promise; don't let sin dominate me." (Psalm 119:133)