Rage Issues

The last few weekends have been a nightmare.  I have not been this close to losing it with my kids for a few years.  I don't know what the root cause of the strife is, but I suspect that it has more of a spiritual attack than any physical factor.  (There's a topic for next week.) The kids have not been listening to me or my wife.  We have been trying to clean my daughter's room for three weeks, now.  I was not proud of the rage that I felt.  I showed my kids a side of myself that I don't like.

Rage is hard to deal with properly.  Especially when you cannot seem to calm yourself down.  I have been surprised at myself and my rage.  I always thought that men with anger problems at home were alcoholics or at least non-believers.  I never thought that I could possibly have problems dealing with my own anger.  That's where it started.  I was not realistic with myself.  I look back now and can recall angry moments as young man.  I never dealt with this anger.  I either repressed it or shunted it out of my life.  I never dealt with anger.  Anger isn't something that can be ignored for very long.

It is incorrect (I feel) to think of anger as only evil.  There is righteous anger that we can see demonstrated in Jesus' clearing of the temple courtyard.  Anger at injustice has spurred on many brave men and women throughout history.  So, anger has it's place inside us men and women.  But how do we deal with the uncontrollable rage that wells up inside when the kids are pushing our buttons.  Part of it starts with dealing with anger before you get angry.  Don't think anger will never come.  Anger is a part of you from early in your life.  I recently had to deal with several repressed issues in my life, and I found that they were at the root of a lot of my anger.  So, dealing with your inner turmoil is part of it.  I also like the strategies that "Love and Logic" taught me.  They teach not to take statements from your kids personally and kept your tone of voice calm and even.  The end result is like being a rock in a stormy sea.  The kids rage and yell at you trying to get a rise out of you.  But you stay calm through voice control and certain phrases.  Don't let them impart their anger onto you. 

What happens when I get angry anyways?  That's the hard part.  I don't know that I am yet an expert on calming down when I get worked up.  Somethings that have helped me over these weekends are stepping back and expressing my feelings.  Stepping back is important when you need to get your blood pressure back under control.  I have had some really good calming sessions while driving to my local coffee shop this last weekend.  When I get calm I then tried that other strategy.  I expressed my feelings to my kids and my wife.  I asked for forgiveness when I had done wrong, but I also let the kids know when they had hurt my emotions.  I found that they responded to my openness.  They expressed their hurts as well.  I felt more understood by them.  I don't know that they were able to work better but they tried harder.  I am trying to deal with my anger without letting it get out of control.  That's the best I can ask for right now.

That's about all I have to say for now.  What's some strategies that you us to deal with your anger?  Is the anger in your life caused by issues from your past?  Or do you need to express your emotions to your loved ones and ask for forgiveness?  Leave a comment about it.

Rituals of Home

Superbowl Sunday, a hollowed day in our house.  Well sort of, I liked to watch the game if not because my team is playing (we will not mention the embarrassment that they were this year) but because I like to watch the game.  Few things in our society are cathartic as watching football teams battle it out for ultimate glory.  I believe in giving this day some kind of meaning because it's like marking off the end of a year.  Whether football holds any meaning or not to your personal life it can be seen as a ritualized campaign that our society goes through each year.  I like sharing that with my family, especially the boys.  My youngest son likes to watch for about ten to fifteen minute intervals but runs around a lot.  My oldest son has never expressed any interest in football before, but he sat through most of the game.  I think part of the appeal for him was the commercials and the hope that it would end early.  But it was fun to try and explain the concept of football to him with my wife.

I am not an anthropologist but it seems to me that we need some ritual battles in our society. Our society lives through these events.  Sport and contest our a way to unite with our neighbors.  I like to invite friends over to share in the enjoyment of the game.  This game was worth it.  My wife and I commented that the last few minutes were nail biting.  As I try to become a better parent, I find that I want to share more of my own rituals with my kids. 

Well that's about all I have to say about that.  If you have any rituals for your own family please share them in the comments section.

Defining Manhood (To my Son's Generation)

My oldest at the race track.

Last week, we had the racing event of the month at the kids Awana's program.  It is that time of year for the wooden car grand prix.  All my kids got to participate this year.  My oldest son won second in speed last year.  So, I felt like I had some pressure this year to help him build the fastest car we could.  My oldest doesn't quite understand winning and losing.  He's autistic and that means he believes that if he has his car perfect it will always win.  Put that on top of the fact that very few competitions kids get into have actual losers. I was dreading the idea of him losing.  Not because I don't want him to lose but because he throws a fit when he does.  I want him to learn the lesson that you don't always win but it's also hard to see him go through the pain.

This age is hard for men like me and kids like mine.  We don't really know what it means to strive for anything.  I was not raised to think everybody wins at everything, but I have had my life disappointments due the fact that I expected to have what my parents had coming out of high school.  My kids will have it much worse.  I really try to teach them about losing and winning, but the school system and popular culture works against me.  My oldest son won third in "Most Realistic Design" which is great, but is that the whole point of racing.  Isn't it to win the race?  Should we have tried harder to make cars that win races?

Victory!!!

Competition is good.  Kids need to learn that they don't always win.  Over this weekend we watched a movie about the X Games.  My family loves the grandeur of watching men defy gravity and push human limits.  I loved what Shaun White said during one of his interviews.  He stated that he loved coming in 4th or even 5th in a competition.  Shaun White is an olympic medalist in snowboarding and a medalist in X Games for both snowboard and skateboard events.  He said that coming in anything other than first gives him that fire or drive to go back to practice track and prefect his technique.  I could not say it better myself.  My kids don't need to win all the time because they may need that motivation to try harder.  And losing doesn't always mean you lose to some stranger or enemy.

The last competition in the movie is Skateboard Big Air.  The competitors Bob Burnquist and Danny Way are friends outside of X Games but were competing against each other in this event.  Danny and Bob preformed some amazing tricks.  Danny got hurt not once but twice during his runs.  You can see the concern of Bob written all over his face while watching his friend get up and try again.  To me (this is only my opinion of the events) it gives my kids a great example of competition that draws a pair of friends closer.  Whoever wins or loses competition brings us closer not farther apart.